To want a child but be terrified of the baby/toddler stage

[Helpmeup]

I am 31 years old, my finance and I are planning to TTC after we get married but I am very very nervous and questioning myself and whether I can do it.

I know that I want a child and a family but I always picture an older child/teen/adult and am pretty terrified of going through the baby and toddler stage. I know I will hate it and find it so difficult that I’m not actually sure I’d be able to cope. I have said for so long that I don’t want children but I realised the reason why I was saying this is because I was picturing crying babies and toddler tantrums. People say they are only this little for such a short amount of time and I feel like if this is something I want, I will have to grin and bear those years and just get through them somehow.

I know that every stage and age comes with its challenges. It’s not as if they turn 7 years old and suddenly everything is perfect and you never have a problem again. But I feel like I may be “better” with the challenges that older ages bring.

My question is, if I feel this way should I just accept it’s not for me, even though I really do have the maternal urge and long for a family? Or is it normal to not like these stages? Has anyone else felt the same?
I know myself and I know I would suffer (or maybe I’ll surprise myself and enjoy it more than I’m expecting). But is suffering through the first 3/4 years or so worth it?

Babies and toddlers is the easy part.

It’s definitely not in any way ‘fun’. It’s a huge amount of work but you CAN do it, if you want to. Good luck x

I’m really sorry to read that, do you have a support system or have you had any help from your GP, health visitor etc? I can promise you not all of them will be thriving, they may put on their best face but they’ll be struggling too so please don’t think you’re shit compared to them. It’s just like social media, it’s not all real and things won’t be perfect behind closed doors. I hope things pick up for you soon

The thing is, there are just so many variables. You may have an easy or difficult pregnancy. You may have an easy or difficult birth. Your personality will impact things, as will your babies and your partners. The level of support you get. How involved your family and partner will be. Everything had an impact.

I had a traumatic TTC journey, a traumatic pregnancy and labour. I spent the first year with DC1 traumatised and on high alert. However, I found the baby bit easier than the toddler bit. I'm good with the mundane. I made our own little routine but wasn't overly rigid with it. I hated the toddler bit. I quickly realised that you can't really make them do anything they don't want to. I also didn't want to parent with fear and that's what I knew and grew up with. I had to learn to parent

I feel like I'm doing a shit job most of the time. I have a lot of guilt. I also feel invisible and like I've lost myself. But the are all ME problems.

If you want kids the go for it but make sure your a well and whole person first and your partner is 100% on board and committed.

I’m also a chronic insomniac (problems since age 13; I’m now 39). I have 2 children (aged 6 and 2). I REALLY recommend seeing a proper sleep therapist (it’s a branch of physiotherapy)…not a GP (they don’t know about it). I saw a sleep therapist when my first son was age 0-1 but realistically I’d had problems for years (it’s still not perfect but is MUCH improved). If you can’t do that, then Google sleep restriction therapy…which you can do from home with no professional intervention. It sounds counterintuitive but really works…it’s a total reset. You also need a good sleep hypnotherapy app (if you don’t already have one). This one worked well for me:
https://surfcityapps.com/

finally, look at your sugar and alcohol intake, as well as your protein intake, if you haven’t already done so.

We have no family nearby to help (both sets of parents live abroad) but don’t underestimate the incredible support network you already have, and also can subsequently build, around you (my husband is AMAZINGLY supportive and we also have incredible crèche, school, after-school club and - when needed - babysitters) to help lighten the load. It takes a village and all that.

FWIW I wouldn’t be without my two. They share a room and it’s lovely to hear them giggling away when they should be asleep. They are so cute together and play really nicely together too (…mostly). One is a carbon copy of me and the other a clone of my husband, but they’re also their own (wonderful) people. Our lives would be incomplete without them (and I say that even although we are potty training the youngest as we speak…possibly the nadir of parenting).

Wishing you all the best 💕

FWIW I have also been a secondary teacher for 17 years and find older kids easier to deal with (though I accept I don’t currently have my very own real live teenager in my house!). I am definitely not the best at entertaining little kids all day (so summer hols are hard!!) but I do find the 6yo easier than the 2yo in a lot of ways. He’s (obviously) more independent, toilet trained, can have proper conversations, will listen to proper stories being read aloud, is starting to understand my (terrible) jokes, can go on a full day out without naps needing to be negotiated etc. It’s got a lot going for it. Saying that, every stage has its loveliness and its difficulties.

I was scared of having kids too, but honestly now I have them I can’t understand why I was 🤣🤣 I think the fact you are not blind to how difficult things can be is a good thing, and like me you will most likely be surprised that it’s not as hard as you think. I would say the majority of people are the opposite, they have children thinking it will be plain sailing, then have a shock as it isn’t. I’ve got one friend who didn’t even know she would have to get up on the night with her baby when her daughter was born!
of course only you can decide, but I honestly think you will be pleasantly surprised.

I would be really worried about you becoming a parent, until you’re in a better place mentally about motherhood. The last thing you should do with a crying child is panic and fuss over them, it’ll make everything worse and then you’ll spiral into being miserable the whole time.

I think it’s like saying how long is a piece of string? You could get a range of different responses here. Every baby, child, toddler, teen, is different. Parents’ experiences are unique. I do not think 0-3 needs to be a suffer through it period though. There is an awful lot of hard work but lots of rewarding moments like seeing various firsts.

yanbu - don’t do it. There’s another thread running about “what didn’t you expect…” and it is all about the early years - the extreme exhaustion, the loss of your sense of self, the difficulty breastfeeding, the adverse impact on your heath (often permanent), the damage to your relationship with your partner, the burden of caring for a child when you’re unwell or burnt out, the unexpected additional needs to be catered for, being “touched out”, never having personal space - even when you go to the loo they follow you.

I adore my children but the first three years are relentless.

I honestly loved that stage all three times. They are growing into their little personalities and are at their cutest. It's not the easiest but your heart is full.

It's the indescribable love you have for them that makes the pain worthwhile. Never known a love like it. It's all hard but so rewarding.

Tantrums and not listening are not the exclusive preserve of babies and toddlers, believe me. Teenagers are hell. I miss the baby years.

My toddlers give me less stress than my 18 and 20 year olds! Not even kidding! Toddlers can be challenging but you just have to put the hard work in especially at that age because you are literally moulding how they will be as they get older. And it is hard work but it’s worth it. As long as you have a solid relationship and a supportive, committed partner you’ll be fine

My kids are now 14,15 & 17.... the baby and toddler bits are the easiest and nicest!
Toddlers can be trained like dogs, teenagers have thier own minds! ( currently arguing with 14 year old who wants bedroom red !!)

I’m the complete opposite of you as I love the baby/toddler/little kid stage and I’m slightly terrified of the future and having a teenager 😬🙈

Another thing for you to think about is the possibility of your child having SEN and/or a disability that will mean that they need care similar to that of a baby or toddler for the rest of their lives and how you would cope with that if it were to happen.

If you are struggling so much at the moment, I agree it would be extremely hard to add parenting of (any age) DC in to the mix.

Something would have to give - can either or both of you afford to reduce your work hours?

I have suffered with insomnia for more than half my life. It actually helped for a while as I was that exhausted I just slept. My daughter is now nearly 3 and it’s back. I can fall asleep now but wake up after 2-4 hours then that’s it. I work just 2 night shifts a week now so I nap with my daughter. I’m dreading when she drops it!!

I have also had lots of mental health struggles. It was one of many reasons I didn’t want children. I had a surprise pregnancy.

I enjoyed the pregnancy part more than I expected but did struggle physically (I was 37). I found the baby stage quite easy and enjoyable. Obviously hard parts in it but generally was very enjoyable and easy going. Toddler’s have their own challenges but I love teaching her new things and watch her grow.

My depression and anxiety has gotten very bad. I was diagnosed with PPA/PPD. It was something I was keeping a look for because I knew I was susceptible. I have went back on medication a year ago and it finally started helping about 6 months ago.

If you asked me if I would change anything, I truthfully couldn’t answer you. I love my daughter so much and I actually love being a mum. She brings me so much joy. But I have also not been this ill mentally for a lot of years and the other struggles with in-laws added to this. The anxiety has been very all consuming. It is hard especially when all my reasons for not wanting a child has 90% come to fruition. But it’s different now I have her ti remover her from my mind.

I think either choice is a hard one to make but you need to discuss this before you get married because if you really do not want biological children your fiancé needs to know now.

Just my tuppence worth - I can hardly remember much of the very early weeks due to sleep deprivation, as a single mum in a bedsit with a premature baby (partner bogged off) - no support from any family really - baby always in my bed, wouldn't sleep in his cot, but it all passes, so I slept when he slept, and I am now a proud mum of a successful man, of 36. (and have been proud since he was born).
I cried when a dinner lady at his primary school asked if she could have a word with me - I thought the worst, then she said he was the most polite child she had ever met - he always said please and thank you etc.....
Yes, it can be hard, but so worth it. He was a lovely toddler, made friends easily, and was a very happy baby / grew up to be funny, kind and happy. Still is.(happy and kind, but doesn't still sleep in my bed, ha, lol). Never been in any trouble, ever, and he supports me now when needs be. Wouldn't change a thing. We have a close bond, and were having proper conversations by the time he was about 2/3. Cannot remember a single tantrum. Those early years were lovely. Good luck 🌹

Everyone is different, every baby is different but for me the baby and toddler stages were bliss.

You learn so much about yourself, your preconceptions, you look at the world through the new eyes of your child and there is so much joy in it. There is so much love. It's a magical time. Not always easy, but what is?

You don't get a lot of time to yourself, it can be tiring and repetitive but it is truly life altering in the best possible way. And you never doubt your sense of purpose with little children - you know what it is, to get them through the day with as much love and laughter as you can give them.

Give me a child to the age of 7 and I will show you the man as the saying goes.I honesty loved the toddlers years. Babies are lovely too but hard work .BF is tiring .broken nights as well .Reading bedtime stories .looks of wonder when they see bubbles or a duck for the first time.i.think Western women are well educated with many choices. This is good.but most women want children and feel perhaps some of the disadvantages more keenly than previous generations. Do u have any smallDC in the family. If not you can be intimidated by horror stories!

I think half the problem is that everyone can appreciate how awful sleep deprivation sounds, but you genuinely don’t realise how much those milestones make it worth it. Last night my 2 year old had me up 5 times and was up for the day at 5.15. Don’t need to be a parent to know that sounds shit. But she also said her first “love you mama” this morning, and suddenly I couldn’t care less about the night, it’s made my day, but I don’t think you can appreciate how much that means until you experience it.

Yes, this is true. You see these posts on social media that say stuff like, if you want to know what it's like to have a child, set your alarm every two hours 24/7 for three months, make six cups of coffee before 10am and wait until they're cold before you drink them, only eat things you can eat with one hand, only shower once a week etc.

First of all, that's an exaggeration in most cases, but more importantly, of course that's going to be incredibly shit if you don't have a baby to make it worthwhile. Even if you hate the baby stage, which some people do, you don't hate your baby. And babies grow up at some point into bigger kids and then adults. That doesn't mean it's easy, you just get different problems. But every stage is temporary.

I second what @Cacktussaid. I had only one as I also didn’t want to do the baby/toddler stage again because it was fucking awful.

I also dreaded the lack of sleep before I had kids, but your body adapts and learns to function on broken sleep.

When you do have your baby, I strongly recommend co-sleeping (search how to do it safely) and breastfeeding. For me it would have been impossible to do formula as getting out of bed would properly wake me, while having my boobs out and available to the baby meant I could doze while breastfeeding on the side and get straight back to sleep. DH did all nappy changes in the middle of the night in exchange.

Babies and toddlers are the most amazing, hilarious, adorable creatures though. I wish those ages lasted longer! Yes, the tantrums are a bit annoying but they're only a small part of parenting. Big kids bring far bigger problems without any of the cuteness to make up for it.

I mean that was my experience in fairness, although it would’ve been an alarm every 2 hours for closer to 18 months, but those posts can’t get across how much joy you get out of the little moments that make it worthwhile somehow.