To want a child but be terrified of the baby/toddler stage

[Helpmeup]

I am 31 years old, my finance and I are planning to TTC after we get married but I am very very nervous and questioning myself and whether I can do it.

I know that I want a child and a family but I always picture an older child/teen/adult and am pretty terrified of going through the baby and toddler stage. I know I will hate it and find it so difficult that I’m not actually sure I’d be able to cope. I have said for so long that I don’t want children but I realised the reason why I was saying this is because I was picturing crying babies and toddler tantrums. People say they are only this little for such a short amount of time and I feel like if this is something I want, I will have to grin and bear those years and just get through them somehow.

I know that every stage and age comes with its challenges. It’s not as if they turn 7 years old and suddenly everything is perfect and you never have a problem again. But I feel like I may be “better” with the challenges that older ages bring.

My question is, if I feel this way should I just accept it’s not for me, even though I really do have the maternal urge and long for a family? Or is it normal to not like these stages? Has anyone else felt the same?
I know myself and I know I would suffer (or maybe I’ll surprise myself and enjoy it more than I’m expecting). But is suffering through the first 3/4 years or so worth it?

A huge part of how it will be depends on your partner and on your baby but you have no way of knowing that.
What kind of person is your partner? Have you discussed your expectations in terms of parenting? That's very important to do.
But also people can talk the talk but not walk the walk so judge it based on things he does now not just claims he will do.

I was saying to my partner the other day that if I didn’t know any better and I went to places to eat and tourist places and looked at all these families it would put me right off having children. Sometimes all you see are screaming kids and screaming adults so I do get it!

I have a 13 year old and (I always wanted to be a mum) he’s a joy to be around. Does he struggle sometimes? Yes, do I? Yes but it doesn’t have to be as hard as people make it. As a baby he had high needs (didn’t want to be put down/bad reflux) but we muddled through and as a toddler he had big feelings and I didn’t handle things great half of the time, but you take it a day at a time.

You mention you’re worried about sleep. that’s completely understandable!
I do feel though that a huge help is having a partner that is as equal as you. It can’t be one sided, it can’t be you do the most and they pick up some of the slack (or none).
Many people have children with partners that are barely there, or leave the children to the woman. They say they thought he would change but he hasn’t. Many parents struggle because they are doing it all on their own. So if you have a partner that is going to be a full on parent then life will be so much easier.

Your second reason I understand too. People make noise more about the negative than the positive. You’re not going to hear people go off about their baby being really content or their toddler working through stages they are going through. Hearing work colleagues moan is not going to be the full picture.
There will always be those people, especially at work.

Before ttc my partner and I made the conscience decision to look into parenting styles. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but if you’re worried or are only seeing things one sided or wonder surely having a toddler is better than this then that’s something that could really help.
Being informed of the different ways to go about things.

Many people confuse “Gentle parenting” with “Permissive parenting” for example… they let children rule the roost without consequences or boundaries.
If you’re consistent from the start and see that the behaviour they’re showing are the symptoms of them not being able to express themselves and not that your child is “naughty”, if you work through things calmly with your child (as much as you can… as they need calm when they can’t self regulate on their own) then parenting a toddler is going to be a lot easier.

I’m still learning with parenting… and we find it so hard because of the way we were parented and the trauma we’ve been through… and then what our partner has been through too and outside influences.

It is a minefield, but for me personally it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.. being a Mum.

you work up to this stage, you don't just wake up one morning and they are terrorising you

This is very true.

I remember a few months ago, my son was practicing tantrums, and he didn't quite know how to do it right, and I'm not kidding, it was hilarious watching him work out how to throw himself on the floor without actually hurting himself. And it helps to see their tantrums as just a funny thing they're doing rather than a personal offence.

And in-between the tantrums, there's loads of fun stuff. My son came running to grab me the other day because his favourite song came on and in his view, it was an absolute banger, mummy loves this one, we had to dance!

As a fellow insomnia sufferer, the sleep deprivation with a baby has been absolutely horrific. I can't sleep when the baby sleeps. I can take an hour to wind down (and yes, I breastfeed which is meant to help and I also exercise) but an hour later the baby wakes up. It sent me down some pretty horrible bouts of depression in the newborn days when he was sleeping in 90 minute increments.

Oh and BF is meant to help you fall asleep more easily but it also makes you extremely alert so you wake up at the faintest sound. So DH going in to help with the baby does fuck all to help.

He's 11 months now and currently teething. I fell asleep at 10pm but he woke up crying and needing a cuddle at 00.30, 2am, 3.30 am, 5am and up for the day at 6.30am. I work full time so I've had to get him and myself ready and do a full day of work.

But you do just get on with it. In a way, I don't have time to be selfish anymore which is a good thing.

But I'm also fat, exhausted, and terrible at a job I used to be brilliant at because I'm so incredibly tired.

So yeah, people on these threads are always very encouraging but reality is mixed. I wouldn't not have my baby but I can't sugar coat for you either sorry.

I have a 21 month old and each stage so far has just been sooooo different. You also don't know what sort of baby you are going to get, so different stages are different for everyone! I really didn't like newborn, it felt very relentless but it's kind of over quick, and you start to get something back around 6 weeks when they smile and then they just give more and more. I much prefer toddler to be honest to newborn and baby. since 18 months his language and understanding has gotten so much better and he's so fun to be around and do things with. Yes he has tantrums and meltdowns but we also just act consistently to these and manage them as they come.

I also before having him, always pictured myself with like a 5 year old and up, but you've got to do the little to get the big! I also used to suffer on and off with insomnia and if anything this has gotten better since having a child because except from obvious sleep deprivation at times, I have less time to worry about my own sleep so just tend to sleep better 😂

it’s all swings and roundabouts OP!
Each different stage brings different amazing and challenging things. Parents always loom back with rose tinted glasses though, forgetting how tough The sleepless nights were or forgetting how hard the first day of school was etc etc.
Everyone’s experience is different. I loved the baby and toddling part 🥰

All babies are different. My 1st was an absolute nightmare, she has been highly strung from day 1. She did suffer with her stomach too bless her so it wasn't all her fault but she was HARD. It sounds awful but I didn't actually like her that much until she was about 2. May have been partly me also, I may have had some PND that I didn't address, I was always judging myself. 2nd was the total opposite, absolute breeze. She was the classic, feed, burp, sleep, we couldn't believe it.
They are now 5 and 10 and although they drive me nuts at times (bickering, squabbling over nonsense) I couldn't love them any more if I tried and I would be lost without them. The baby and toddler stage seems a lifetime ago now.

I did not enjoy the baby stage but 2+ has been great fun (most of the time)! I actually think your (and my) way round is the better way - so many people want the cute baby but that’s not what the majority of the parenting job is. As soon as they’re not at the dress-up-able /‘push round in the pram while everyone oohs’ / ‘look how cute they are, I could watch them sleep for hours’ stage and especially when they have their own opinions and wants, a lot of people seem to struggle. You’ll probably manage the baby/toddler stage better than you think (not all toddlers are difficult - I have two kids and I can honestly say I can’t remember any genuine tantrums - some tears, of course, but no utter craziness!)

I have teenagers and it is literally the worst experience of my life. Babies and toddlers are sweet and loving.

Have you considered shared parental leave? You take however long off to recover (length depending on birth and job after) and your partner is the primary parent. Similarly when they are a toddler - you work full-time and your partner be the default parent for pick ups etc

I’ve always had trouble sleeping. I don’t think I was any more tired during the baby phase (with a non-sleeper) than at other phases of my life. The advantage of the baby phase is that when I was done feeding I would almost certainly fall back asleep straight away, which is unheard of for me! Not once during the baby phase did I stay awake for 3 hours berating myself for why I just couldn’t sleep and to just stop thinking.

I found the baby stage quite hard but even with an independent toddler, I’ve quite enjoyed this stage. Yes, it’s monotonous but so was our life anyway! I wasn’t spontaneously going to Bali on a Wednesday night before kids and I’m not doing so now. I think the monotony comes from making sure someone is always doing childcare (nursery, grandparents, partner) when you want to do something. Even if that something is just work. It’s not that your life is more restricted, you can take kids pretty much anywhere, it’s the extra admin they bring and many people just can’t be bothered with that.

They have this way of just when you think you can’t do it any more, they reel you back in. As a baby, it’s the newborn scrunch, then that first smile, that first laugh. Then it’s getting a hug or being told they love you. It doesn’t sound much and pre-kids I’d have given someone the raised eyebrow for this answer but these things feel like a jigsaw piece fitting in your heart. Days are overall harder, more stressful but the years are happier.

Have you considered adoption? You can then miss the baby toddler stage entirely.

I have to agree with this! The worry is real.

We are out the other side now and they have developed in to delightful, respectful hard-working young adults now (most of the time 😃) but our teenagers were really challenging from about the ages of fourteen to eighteen and they didn’t even do anything particularly wrong like drinking or partying excessively; it was their up and down moods and communication styles that were difficult and how they reassess you so clinically as a human and let you know your failings!

It’s a humbling but an interesting stage of life, that’s for sure! Also, having to step back and watch them make mistakes is cripplingly stressful as a parent but necessary 🙈

Thank you for asking this question because it’s exactly how I feel as well. Total panic rises in my chest when I think about it. I miscarried earlier this year and honestly I was so relieved that i wouldn’t be expecting a baby in September because the thought of the first years, as you describe, terrified me. It definitely comes from a place of fear, lack of control (can’t just talk them out of being bad sleepers lol), and also lack of control in relation to my body (that massively amplified in relation to the miscarriage), and fear of derailing a fragile career.

I’ve found other peoples responses helpful on this thread so thank you for asking the question.

maybe we should start a “terrified of toddlers” club ;) ;)

You change with your baby too. I did find it hard with my first because ibl couldn't quite picture all the things he would one day be doing for himself, the joy of watching him learn, his pride when he first put his coat on himself. Makes me tearful just thinking about it now that he's off to secondary school!

I was the same before having kids, OP. I’m not very maternal, and never wanted to hold babies or interact with toddlers. I’m a secondary school teacher, but did some casual stints in early years early in my teaching career which nearly broke me.

However, the baby/toddler years have been so much more fun than I expected. I hate changing nappies, waking in the night with a teething baby, and yes, the tantrums are hard to deal with sometimes. However, my toddlers in footie pyjamas after a bath is just something that melted my cold heart every night after a hard day. The snuggles are next level, and they do and say the cutest things.

My oldest is now 7, and in that ‘golden age’ and I definitely find him much easier than my younger two. But I’m surprised at how much I enjoyed those first few years.

Hi OP! I actually went into it blind because I was the first amongst my friends to have a child and WOW it humbled me haha! The baby days were very tough for me and my husband particularly as my DD was very high needs and I constantly felt in fight or flight from overstimulation. That being said - she is now 15 months old and a DELIGHT! We love being toddler parents (yes, there are tantrums and yes it's not all sunshine and rainbows) but having a little human to cuddle and play with is fantastic tbh. Bottom line: everyone will have ages and stages they find tricky and this just depends on you AND your individual child. The latter is impossible to predict so I think you just have to go for it and trust it'll all even out!

I didn't want a baby particularly, but I did want a family so I just put my head down and got on with it. I didn't love the baby / toddler stage (still in it with DS2) but actually I think not expecting to love it made it a bit easier for me than for some of my friends who were expecting to love it and didn't. You don't have to love every phase of being a parent. If you know you want a family I think you just have to bite the bullet and get on with it.

Every age and stage has its potential difficulties. You can't know or predict necessarily what those will look like for you as every child is totally different. My SIL had the easiest baby, who turned into hell as a teenager. I'm having a tough time with my baby's colic at the moment, but who knows what that'll look like in 3,5,15 years from now?

I had little experience with babies/children but having had two plus two stepsons, I found baby and toddler stage the easiest stage! One ‘good’ baby one fussy, but still easy compared to preadolescent and teen years, when it is psychologically exhausting.
im now out the other side (20 and 22 now), but they still have their moments!
Babyhood has s all about physical care and can be physically exhausting, toddlerhood not so bad (not many tantrums though DD’s mood could change on a dime) golden years of 5-8/9 when they still think you are the sun moon and stars then BOOM! They start telling you you’re stirring your coffee wrong. Then comes drugs/sex/exam pressure/friendship trauma/peer pressure/bullying/life decisions/and so on…

My child is now 4. Honestly if I could go back in time and not have a child I would. Most of my time with my child currently is spent cohersing them to do something or managing tantrums.

Alas I'm trapped now so just have to get on with it. Probably it will get better (but I have been thinking that for years)

But you can't tell how you'll react, so my personal experience doesn't really help you. Id say youve really got to want it, and agree having a partner who is all in is vital

You might surprise yourself. MN led me to expect that I'd be a shell of myself for the first few years. In the past, I've really struggled with burn out and not enough sleep, so was expecting the worst. Honestly, it's been great with my baby. He only sleeps in 2 hour blocks over night and always has done, but actually I feel ok. I'm just taking life a bit slower. Sometimes it's hard if he's been awake all night, but that's very rare. He still had a witching hour which is frustrating, but doable. Most of my friends' babies sleep in 4-6 hour blocks now. They're going on holiday and to festivals. I'm looking forward to going back to work 2 days per week when he's 5 months. You only hear the worst bits on mumsnet because, honestly, the people who are doing fine are out enjoying life rather than posting (I'm on a train with a baby asleep in the carrier having visited friends in the next city )

First two years were hell OP, it's not something I would want to go through again! I'm really glad I went through it once though.

Adoption is a wonderful thing to do, OP but if you're going to consider it then please make sure you do your research. Adopted children are likely to need a high level of support due to early trauma and attachment difficulties, or being exposed to alcohol and/or drugs in utero. It is well documented that experiencing abuse and neglect in infancy and very early childhood can cause psychological, physical and cognitive issues that may persist into adulthood. If you are worried about looking after a toddler due to emotional dysregulation, poor sleep, challenging behaviour and the demands that they place on you then adopting an older child may not allow you to avoid any of those issues!

I have had sleep problems since I was a child. I developed OCD in primary school because of it, because I would get so worried and stressed about not being able to sleep, I would have thoughts in my head that said “if you don’t touch this, you won’t be able to sleep tonight” so I had certain rituals I had to do, to try and take some control over falling asleep. At my age now, I don’t suffer with that anymore as I got help but I never really got help with my insomnia. I have been to the doctors about it countless times but they just tell me to take hot baths and read before bed. I take sleeping tablets when I go through bad phases.

I would definitely have support. Not too sure about DPs parents or my dad, but my mum would be hands on and wanting to help out in any way she can.

All of the comments on here are really helping me to stop stressing as much about it, so thank you