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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They contacted my partner after I didn’t respond for 12 hours

162 replies

Littleluv · 31/07/2025 11:04

I have a 7 week old baby this person also has a 12 week old baby. We hung out for a walk on the Sunday and the next Friday she texts me in the morning about doing something the next week due to my baby being fussy and being busy with family plans I did not respond and my partner received a text from them at 9pm (12 hours later) asking if I’d changed my number, if I was “coping” and if I was struggling with the “adjustment to motherhood” due to my non-reply… I was pretty shocked she took to messaging him at all let alone when only 12 hours had passed and also as a new mother I don’t take it personally if there is any delay from others because I know babies are a handful and time often passes or you don’t get a chance to respond. Also I am actually coping really well I am just not glued to my phone all the time as I like to spend time doing things with my little one. I really don’t think I want to be friends with this person anymore as I find this extremely overbearing, in addition their partner says bad things about literally everyone. Thoughts on this and how you would feel?

OP posts:
JDM625 · 31/07/2025 11:06

How long have you known them? Why do they even have your partners number? If you don't want to me friends, well you don't have to.

JMSA · 31/07/2025 11:07

It’s overbearing and a bit weird, but not to be taken personally. It’s no reflection on you as a mother that she got a bit worried.
Me personally, I wouldn’t end the friendship. But I’d explain how you feel and ask her not to do it again.

Newnamesameme · 31/07/2025 11:09

I would really feel intruded on and step back from the friendship. Did she even send you a follow up message or call you before going to your partner with her concerns. This is a fairly new friendship and this is far too overbearing.

Newname42 · 31/07/2025 11:10

For how long have you been friends? If it’s a newish contact I’d just end the friendship, if it’s an old friend I’d assume that she tried to look after you as a new mum and got it wrong.

Original poster
Littleluv · 31/07/2025 11:12

I’ve known them a long time but only really started being friends in the later stages of pregnancy. We have hung out maybe 7 times total over the space of 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleluv · 31/07/2025 11:13

No nothing just straight messaged him. She has his number from a long time ago through mutual friends they have exchanged a couple texts before this point but nothing significant.

OP posts:
NewNewForest · 31/07/2025 11:14

OMG keep an eye on your bunny 🥴

CurlewKate · 31/07/2025 11:22

Is it possible that you put out some worrying vibes? I agree she was over the top, and she should have tried you again first , but I can imagine circumstances where I would send a quick “Is Jane OK?” message to a friend’s partner if I was worried…

Delphiniumandlupins · 31/07/2025 11:23

She has been a bit OTT. I would message her and say that you often don't reply the same day (if that's true) and assume she was coming from a caring place. I would probably also cool the friendship if she seems too intense in future.

Blanca87 · 31/07/2025 11:24

This is hand that rocks the cradle, territory

Lotsofsnacks · 31/07/2025 11:24

ignore, I’m feeling suffocated myself reading this! I think this friend will be massively overbearing if you continue this. Phase out

noidea69 · 31/07/2025 11:30

oh come on, how has someone not suggested husband & friend are having an affair yet, this place isnt what it used to be.

ladyofshertonabbas · 31/07/2025 11:31

YANBU, wonder if she herself is actually in a really bad place when one minute feels like a day and she needs something in the diary to look forward to. The message is odd.

Amba1998 · 31/07/2025 11:32

There is messaging your husband but then there is insinuating you aren’t coping in that message. I’d be fuming quite frankly and would definitely be taking a step back

TeenLifeMum · 31/07/2025 11:33

I think this comes from a good place but is quite full on. I’d get dh to reply “op is doing a fantastic job adjusting to being a mum. She’s just been really busy and can’t always respond to messages straight away. I’m sure she’ll be in touch when she’s got some free time. Hope you well”

MollyButton · 31/07/2025 11:33

I would send them a message backing off (and then block if possible). They aren’t being helpful.

namechangeGOT · 31/07/2025 11:37

I’d get your partner to reply ‘yeah she’s doing really well, she often tosses her phone to one side because she’s such a good mother focussing on our child instead of outside interference, so I’m sure she’ll get back to you at some point if she wants to’.

Henryhall · 31/07/2025 11:51

I agree it’s a bit intense but I think perhaps you are being over-sensitive if that’s the only example of her being OTT. Maybe she felt (rightly or wrongly) that you were under a lot of pressure, perhaps suffering from PND, and was concerned about you. Just tell her you don’t always reply to texts quickly so not to worry in future.

Whether you want to be friendly with her because you dislike her partner is a completely separate issue.

FernandoFeathers · 31/07/2025 11:53

Asking if you have changed your phone number is insane! I find this kind of behaviour really irritating and it would put me off contacting her.

spoonbillstretford · 31/07/2025 11:58

YANBU. She does sound a bit much. I'd certainly be wary after that.

PembeGreyfurt · 31/07/2025 11:59

I have come across this behaviour with three different people in my life and they all turned out to be very problematic. On closer inspection, this wasn't their only red flag. So I have become very careful as soon as I encounter anything like it.

Original poster
Littleluv · 31/07/2025 12:05

No not at all! I had said the usual baby is colicky and it can be hard some days to get out the house but nothing to suggest I wasn’t coping with motherhood. I’m a really laid back person so don’t also give off the vibe of high anxiety. If anything I think she does… I’m not sure if she was projecting how she wasn’t coping?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 31/07/2025 12:07

noidea69 · 31/07/2025 11:30

oh come on, how has someone not suggested husband & friend are having an affair yet, this place isnt what it used to be.

🤣 Think I’d message and ask her not to contact your partner, that’s frankly a bit off. You have a very young baby, I’ve literally sent a friend in the same situation best wishes/congratulations and asked if she’s ok then left it to her to contact me if she needs anything.

FOJN · 31/07/2025 12:08

I think it depends on the length and closeness of the friendship and previous pattern of responding to texts but even if the delayed response was unusual I would still have sent a follow up message to check you were OK. Texting your partner is OTT and far too intrusive after just 12 hours.

You could be honest and tell her that if you don't respond promptly it just means you are busy and you would prefer it if she did not message your partner to pressure a response from you. If you are not too bothered about continuing the friendship and she takes offence then you have lost nothing but she may apologise making it possible to reset and continue being friends.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 31/07/2025 12:09

I dont see anything wrong. She may be worried about pnd or suicide etc and wanted to ensure you was ok. Good friend.

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