They contacted my partner after I didn’t respond for 12 hours

[Littleluv]

I have a 7 week old baby this person also has a 12 week old baby. We hung out for a walk on the Sunday and the next Friday she texts me in the morning about doing something the next week due to my baby being fussy and being busy with family plans I did not respond and my partner received a text from them at 9pm (12 hours later) asking if I’d changed my number, if I was “coping” and if I was struggling with the “adjustment to motherhood” due to my non-reply… I was pretty shocked she took to messaging him at all let alone when only 12 hours had passed and also as a new mother I don’t take it personally if there is any delay from others because I know babies are a handful and time often passes or you don’t get a chance to respond. Also I am actually coping really well I am just not glued to my phone all the time as I like to spend time doing things with my little one. I really don’t think I want to be friends with this person anymore as I find this extremely overbearing, in addition their partner says bad things about literally everyone. Thoughts on this and how you would feel?

OP would I be right in thinking that your partner didn’t respond to the message quite how you’d have liked him to? Ie he took it very seriously and conveyed an existing worry to you? Or did he shrug it off as nonsense?

I'd guess she.either has some extreme anxiety/paranoia herself, or (and I sense this may be the more likely one) is calling out what she perceives to be a rude non-response on your part with faux-concern for your state of mind.

This is weird as fuck and quite creepy, I would let her know I thought that. She sounds like a fantasist and nebby busyboddy. I have never messaged a friends partner, I don’t have their numbers.

Hi CF,

DP told me you messaged him asking if everything was alright with me because I didn’t reply to you in a specific timeframe. I am fine but thanks for your concern and apologies for the late reply. DC and I have been enjoying a day out with my family. I tend not to check my phone when I’m out with company as I find it rude. I normally catch up on my messages once baby is asleep on an evening.

I have a pretty jam packed week next week but will let you know if I’m free any day.

Take care,

Then do not meet her again if you don’t want to. I would be avoiding her.

Yanbu that's way too overbearing. If she'd done this after 12 days then I'd find it somewhat reasonable for her to do but 12 hours? Absolutely not.

This is really intrusive and crosses a line for me. I wouldn't see this person again and would tell them why

If she seems otherwise quite nice and normal then maybe this is a manifestation of her own post partum anxiety? I was madder than a bag of bees for at least six months after my first DC arrived. Really grateful for friends who gave me the benefit of the doubt when I was being odd (a low point was sobbing at a girls dinner because I was concerned the curry my parents were having for supper while baby sitting might overpower the smell of carefully chosen lavender ‘sleep scent’ I used in his bedroom..)

What did your partner reply?

7 times in 2 years is not a little time. Does she think she has a deeper/closer relationship with you & your partner than what you think the relationship is?

Even though, I do think she's a bit much. I would be rapidly cooling off this friendship.

No he was totally taken aback by her message and said to her everything was fine we were doing really well and he was sure I’d get back when I was free… he was pretty pissed off about it too and what querying if she was drunk or something when she sent it as he couldn’t quite believe it.

That’s wildly inappropriate of her. I would just stop making plans with her.

This includes times when we were with other people and bumped into them. I have met up with her alone twice and my partner and her partner twice. Three times with other people/randomly saw them.

I'd end the friendship. I'd be furious. Send a text:

Your recent messages to my partner and your comments about my parenting were completely unacceptable. You have overstepped a boundary, and because of this, our friendship is over. Do not contact either of us again.

Woah!!! 😆

Lol, I was waiting for it.
I think that unless you have being complaining a lot about not coping etc she was way over the top. Very intruding.

This. And stop overthinking/ taking umbrage.

Sheesh @cigarsmokingwomantry to chill out dude!

Does she think she has a deeper/closer relationship with you & your partner than what you think the relationship is?

I wondered this.

However I can see why you are annoyed.

We had family that wasn't really in touch frequently but durring first pg towards end till early childhood would get really upset with us we didn't instantly reply to phone or texts - often being a bit PA as here. We never been more busy as not just young children but job changes and huge house moves - it was an unnecessary and irriating addtional mental burden and frankly irritated us - as even if we were struggling there was no actual help from them on offer and felt more about them and their needs that we were expected to accomodate and not us.

I'd probably be busy for a bit but not burn bridges - she may be less when her child older or she's busier.

It very bizarre.

Weird pushy inappropriate behaviour that would make me step back completely.
I wouldn't want to spend time with someone like that.
Red flag for me anyway.
When you have children, no drama friendships are a non negotiateable.

It's a bit much. I have a friend who will bombard with "Are you ok"? messages if not responded to within 45 minutes. Err, yes, I'm OK. Just not glued to my phone.

Unless you were making plans where she needed to know immediately if you were free so she could book tickets or something, it’s very overbearing and I’d probably not see her again. I’m also a pretty chilled person and don’t like people checking up or expecting things from me, so if I get an anxious clingy vibe from someone it puts me off them. I’m sure they’re nice but they can make other friends who appreciate that rather than me. I guess perhaps because you hung out alone and made potential plans she might think you want to take things to the next “level” of friendship. But it sounds like you two are not on the same page about what that would be

All very OTT & in no way normal.

Is she a bit of a drama llama generally? You now the type - never happy unless there's something going down?

This is a classic case of someone spiralling and then projecting. Perhaps she is really struggling and has PND but her behaviour would be a massive red flag for me in terms of overstepping boundaries, downright impropriety and intrusiveness. It’s not nice and it’s not cool. And texting your husband is absolutely wild. I’d be phasing her out as I wouldn’t be able to bear this type of thing and her husband sounds like a twat.

Congratulations on your baba! Colic is so hard and stressful but I promise it will pass xx

You don't have to be friends, but I reckon it's quite possible she's blowing things out of proportion with baby brain and hormones etc. Maybe she isn't coping.

I might just say "if I don't answer my phone, please don't worry, I'm just doing other stuff."