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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They contacted my partner after I didn’t respond for 12 hours

162 replies

Littleluv · 31/07/2025 11:04

I have a 7 week old baby this person also has a 12 week old baby. We hung out for a walk on the Sunday and the next Friday she texts me in the morning about doing something the next week due to my baby being fussy and being busy with family plans I did not respond and my partner received a text from them at 9pm (12 hours later) asking if I’d changed my number, if I was “coping” and if I was struggling with the “adjustment to motherhood” due to my non-reply… I was pretty shocked she took to messaging him at all let alone when only 12 hours had passed and also as a new mother I don’t take it personally if there is any delay from others because I know babies are a handful and time often passes or you don’t get a chance to respond. Also I am actually coping really well I am just not glued to my phone all the time as I like to spend time doing things with my little one. I really don’t think I want to be friends with this person anymore as I find this extremely overbearing, in addition their partner says bad things about literally everyone. Thoughts on this and how you would feel?

OP posts:
Ademasstudio · 31/07/2025 13:08

PinkyFlamingo · 31/07/2025 13:02

Why on earth would she be worried about suicide just because the OP didn't reply immediately?

Show quote history

The OP is not going to be able to objectively answer that question.

Fact is, this person appears to have been very concerned.

And presuming she’s not like this generally (waiting for the drip), then I’d be inclined to think she was genuinely very concerned

diddl · 31/07/2025 13:12

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 31/07/2025 12:09

I dont see anything wrong. She may be worried about pnd or suicide etc and wanted to ensure you was ok. Good friend.

If she's worried there are surely better ways of going about it?

Honestly when my first was that age I was still sleeping when I could!

diddl · 31/07/2025 13:14

And presuming she’s not like this generally (waiting for the drip), then I’d be inclined to think she was genuinely very concerned

Then why wait 12hrs?

C95 · 31/07/2025 13:14

Blimey she's batshit crazy!

As PP pointed out the "normal" reaction would be for her to ask you if you're ok NOT go running to your partner!!

Sounds like a drama llama and to be avoided! I hope your DP ignored her text.

I'd fade this friendship out.

notacooldad · 31/07/2025 13:17

I dont see anything wrong. She may be worried about pnd or suicide etc and wanted to ensure you was ok. Good friend.
Why on earth would she be worried about suicide just because the OP didn't reply immediately?

The person gave a number of suggestions thay could have sparked concern. Maybe the op said something that was benign in conversation but the friend has had a negative expierence and jumped to PND or worse. Who knows , but when doing something like Assist training you pick up on changes if behaviour, change of tone, phrases people use etc.

I can see it being an over the top reaction but at the same time if mate isnt normally a drama lama ( which is different to being over bearing) I'd be quite touched that someone was concerned about me. If it became a habit that's different of course.

To me, it sounds like you want an excuse to get rid of her. If so be honest and stop looking for reasons.

notacooldad · 31/07/2025 13:19

And presuming she’s not like this generally (waiting for the drip), then I’d be inclined to think she was genuinely very concerned
Then why wait 12hrs?

Maybe she was doing what a lot of us would do and convince ourselves everything is ok and 'we'll just give it a bit longer'

Saladbar · 31/07/2025 13:20

She doesn’t sound like a close friend. Do you still have mutual friends? If so I’d see her at mutual meet ups but not meet up alone anymore as I honestly would feel weird around her and paranoid now.

My husband wouldn’t have replied and ignored that text. Did yours reply? Mine would have found it batshit.

Id do the slow ghost and fade, id reply to messages but be suddenly super busy. Anyone suggesting that I am not coping and messaging my husband is a boundary crosser and not someone I’d want in my life.

MyLittleNest · 31/07/2025 13:23

She sounds overbearing and paranoid. Even if you didn't reply to her for a week, it wouldn't be grounds for her texting your husband out of extreme concern, especially as her concerns sound unfounded.

This says a lot more about her mental state than yours.

I'd have half a mind to text HER husband and say you are concerned about HER after she sent this crazy message to your husband when you didn't reply to her text after 12 hours!

PInkyStarfish · 31/07/2025 13:23

She’s a shit stirrer trying to make you look bad in your partners eyes.

Block and drop her.

ItsNotMeEither · 31/07/2025 13:32

Maybe it’s the exact opposite of what you’re thinking. Could she be struggling. She reached out and when you didn’t respond quickly, she’s projecting some of her own issues?

Maybe she was quietly desperate for someone, particularly an adult, to chat with/message with that day. In particular, another new mum who might nod and smile and understand how the little things can really get you down some day, despite how much you love your baby.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 31/07/2025 13:36

PInkyStarfish · 31/07/2025 13:23

She’s a shit stirrer trying to make you look bad in your partners eyes.

Block and drop her.

This.

If she was that concerned she could have phoned you. A simple 'is X ok? Was expecting a reply' would be enough if she really felt a follow up was necessary. She is not your friend. Distance yourself from her.

godmum56 · 31/07/2025 13:36

AngelicKaty · 31/07/2025 12:40

@Littleluv I'm a little on the fence with this OP although I've voted YANBU.
You say her partner "says bad things about literally everyone" - maybe he's been winding her up about you not coping (untrue) and she got unnecessarily worried and messaged your partner as a bit of knee-jerk reaction? (Although I don't see why she couldn't just send you a follow-up message if she was concerned.) You say you've only socialised about seven times in two years with her, so it's clear that you've not been close previously and it's motherhood that has brought you closer in recent months, so I would ask yourself this: do you like her? Could you see the friendship growing stronger and more meaningful if she hadn't done this? If so, I would just mark her card with a message along the lines of "I was busy with baby and your message didn't require an urgent response. I am not someone who is glued to their phone 24/7 as I have more important things to do. To put your mind at rest, I'm coping very well and really enjoying motherhood. However, I don't appreciate you messaging my DH in the way you did and if you want our friendship to continue you should never do this again." Her response will dictate whether or not the friendship continues.

I can't find where the OP has said this. Was it perhaps on a previous thread?

GAJLY · 31/07/2025 13:41

I'd be very annoyed at that too. I'd message back saying, I'm sorry I was busy with the baby and catching up on sleep! Please do t text my husband again. Just wait for a response which may be the next day!

Coconutter24 · 31/07/2025 13:41

Littleluv · 31/07/2025 12:28

Suicide… Jesus… why on earth would someone be concerned about suicide and PND after 12 hours?? I don’t have any mental health issues and have a supportive partner. If this is something that comes into your mind I would maybe see if you have paranoid tendencies…

That’s a bit of a rude reply to that poster. Women do suffer with PND, thoughts of suicide and mental health issues during these first weeks. You aren’t but how is she supposed to know that. You ask ‘after 12 hours??’ But when was the last time you spoke to her, 12 hours since she text which you didn’t reply to but if she’s not heard from you in a few days she may be checking in that you’re ok. I wouldn’t be as rude to discourage other people from checking in with friends by questioning their ‘paranoid tendencies’ because one day one woman might need that friend to check in on her!!

AngelicKaty · 31/07/2025 13:42

godmum56 · 31/07/2025 13:36

I can't find where the OP has said this. Was it perhaps on a previous thread?

Show quote history

No, she wrote it at the end of her first post "I really don’t think I want to be friends with this person anymore as I find this extremely overbearing, in addition their partner says bad things about literally everyone. Thoughts on this and how you would feel?"

VaseofViolets · 31/07/2025 13:44

She’s unhinged. I’d block her immediately.

Ademasstudio · 31/07/2025 13:48

diddl · 31/07/2025 13:14

And presuming she’s not like this generally (waiting for the drip), then I’d be inclined to think she was genuinely very concerned

Then why wait 12hrs?

Tbf, she had a newborn herself

Summer2025gal · 31/07/2025 13:49

Littleluv · 31/07/2025 12:05

No not at all! I had said the usual baby is colicky and it can be hard some days to get out the house but nothing to suggest I wasn’t coping with motherhood. I’m a really laid back person so don’t also give off the vibe of high anxiety. If anything I think she does… I’m not sure if she was projecting how she wasn’t coping?

I agree the reaction was OTT but do you think perhaps your friend is going through a rough patch and has post natal anxiety and maybe due to saying your baby has colic and you’ve been finding it hard to get out some days your friend has panicked (projecting her own worries) that you haven’t responded and that is why she messaged your partner.

My guess is she worried you were having a horrible day which is why she messaged your partner, again over thinking and anxiety on her end.

A lot of people are saying to stay clear but I’d give her the benefit of the doubt or speak to her in person about what happened if you want to continue the friendship.

Being a new mum can do crazy things to people

Ademasstudio · 31/07/2025 13:49

The fact this person has the partner’s number indicates a family friend or at least a fairly close relationship

Original poster
Littleluv · 31/07/2025 13:50

Coconutter24 · 31/07/2025 13:41

That’s a bit of a rude reply to that poster. Women do suffer with PND, thoughts of suicide and mental health issues during these first weeks. You aren’t but how is she supposed to know that. You ask ‘after 12 hours??’ But when was the last time you spoke to her, 12 hours since she text which you didn’t reply to but if she’s not heard from you in a few days she may be checking in that you’re ok. I wouldn’t be as rude to discourage other people from checking in with friends by questioning their ‘paranoid tendencies’ because one day one woman might need that friend to check in on her!!

Show quote history

I’m sorry but for people to immediately jump to suicide because they didn’t reply to a text for 12 hours with zero indication the person suffers from mental health issues is nuts. Also why didn’t she just text me again? Or if she was that concerned call. The fact is she was querying if I’d changed my number whilst also suggesting I wasn’t coping… doesn’t quite add up. Of course women suffer from PND I’m just not one of them and don’t wish for that to be insinuated to my partner behind my back.

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 31/07/2025 13:53

Ademasstudio · 31/07/2025 13:49

The fact this person has the partner’s number indicates a family friend or at least a fairly close relationship

Not if you read all of OP's posts. She's told us:
"I’ve known them a long time but only really started being friends in the later stages of pregnancy. We have hung out maybe 7 times total over the space of 2 years." and
"... She has his number from a long time ago through mutual friends they have exchanged a couple texts before this point but nothing significant."

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/07/2025 13:54

I'd be LIVID, and would end the 'friendship'. However, I'd do it in a fade out way, rather than calling her out on her smothering, intrusive, deceitful ways, as I actually wouldn't put it past her to call SS telling them you aren't coping.

I cannot believe people actually think this acquaintance was being genuinely concerned by doing what she did. She's overbearing and out of order.

AdoraBell · 31/07/2025 13:55

That seems pushy to me.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/07/2025 14:01

I'd be backing right off with that friendship. 12 hours and she's messaging your partner without even a follow up message to you first? Smothering and controlling.

Coconutter24 · 31/07/2025 14:01

Littleluv · 31/07/2025 13:50

I’m sorry but for people to immediately jump to suicide because they didn’t reply to a text for 12 hours with zero indication the person suffers from mental health issues is nuts. Also why didn’t she just text me again? Or if she was that concerned call. The fact is she was querying if I’d changed my number whilst also suggesting I wasn’t coping… doesn’t quite add up. Of course women suffer from PND I’m just not one of them and don’t wish for that to be insinuated to my partner behind my back.

Show quote history

People suffering do sometimes give zero indication that they are struggling. How’s your friend meant to know the state of your mental health?
Of course she could of text you again or called I do agree with that, my point was you were still rude to that poster