They contacted my partner after I didn’t respond for 12 hours

[Littleluv]

I have a 7 week old baby this person also has a 12 week old baby. We hung out for a walk on the Sunday and the next Friday she texts me in the morning about doing something the next week due to my baby being fussy and being busy with family plans I did not respond and my partner received a text from them at 9pm (12 hours later) asking if I’d changed my number, if I was “coping” and if I was struggling with the “adjustment to motherhood” due to my non-reply… I was pretty shocked she took to messaging him at all let alone when only 12 hours had passed and also as a new mother I don’t take it personally if there is any delay from others because I know babies are a handful and time often passes or you don’t get a chance to respond. Also I am actually coping really well I am just not glued to my phone all the time as I like to spend time doing things with my little one. I really don’t think I want to be friends with this person anymore as I find this extremely overbearing, in addition their partner says bad things about literally everyone. Thoughts on this and how you would feel?

She's really entitled and overbearing.

To contact your partner after you haven't responded in only 12 hours is unreasonable, but to insinuate you're not coping is what takes it into very weird territory. Who does she think she is?

You're being smart to back off, she is smothering and entitled.

For a first time ‘offence’ I’d be OK with it. Maybe she’s just concerned about you? Maybe…she’s just a nice person 🤷‍♀️

If it gets too much then obviously say something though.

I think you might be overreacting. I had my baby around the same time as a friend did and if I didn't hear from her after a day or so I worried that she had hurt herself and/or her baby. Looking back now it's alarming how convinced I was that something awful had or was going to happen but I just went so mental post-partum.

If the friendship is otherwise fine I would just move past it.

I'd end the friendship. 8 think she massively overstepped. I wouldn't like to be obliged the clock and worried about what she will do if I don't reply immediately.

I'd be telling her you are absolutely fine and just busy out and about having fun with baby, friends & family, but is SHE OK? Because it's really quite the over reaction to approach someone's DH to raise potential concern just because they haven't messaged you back for a few hours?!

She needs putting back in her box.

Firmly.

She is suffocating. I would just block her number after telling her shes suffocated the friendship by being overbearing. I get fortnight of no contact but 12 HOURS?!

I think that is highly likely, Littleluv and she has latched on to you, assigning more importance to your association than it is to you. Messaging your husband is quite bizarre and out of order, I wouldn't like that. When you see her, just be pleasant but play it cool.

Suicide… Jesus… why on earth would someone be concerned about suicide and PND after 12 hours?? I don’t have any mental health issues and have a supportive partner. If this is something that comes into your mind I would maybe see if you have paranoid tendencies…

Assuming nothing happened on the previous meet up that indicated cause for concern I’d find this very controlling.

She’s training you to reply straightaway so that she doesn’t message your partner.

I’d be busy for a long while.

My guess is that she is experiencing some PND herself and just wanted to look out for you, since her baby is slightly older and is possibly more aware of the transition through certain stages and is just trying to look out for the signs in case you need any support. However it was poorly judged and overbearing to message your DP, I think the intentions were good but the execution was poorly handled. I remember someone pulling me aside to ask me if I am OK, am I coping, do I feel like I love my baby etc because I wasn't being very social but I was just exhausted and possibly a little depressed tbh. I was put out at the time that they were asking me these things and felt judged as we aren't close but I do think the intention was good

Smothering, intense ‘friend’.

What has OP said or done to leap to thinking of suicide?

I would find that way OTT. And also a bit cheeky implying to my partner that I wasn't coping. Is she a bit of a drama llama?

Did your partner reply to her?
Or did he put her on hold as well?
You might be getting a police welfare check next!!
I think people have forgotten that we have phones for OUR convenience not as a command system.
She needs to know you will get to her... when you have dealt with all the things further up your priority list.

@Littleluv I'm a little on the fence with this OP although I've voted YANBU.
You say her partner "says bad things about literally everyone" - maybe he's been winding her up about you not coping (untrue) and she got unnecessarily worried and messaged your partner as a bit of knee-jerk reaction? (Although I don't see why she couldn't just send you a follow-up message if she was concerned.) You say you've only socialised about seven times in two years with her, so it's clear that you've not been close previously and it's motherhood that has brought you closer in recent months, so I would ask yourself this: do you like her? Could you see the friendship growing stronger and more meaningful if she hadn't done this? If so, I would just mark her card with a message along the lines of "I was busy with baby and your message didn't require an urgent response. I am not someone who is glued to their phone 24/7 as I have more important things to do. To put your mind at rest, I'm coping very well and really enjoying motherhood. However, I don't appreciate you messaging my DH in the way you did and if you want our friendship to continue you should never do this again." Her response will dictate whether or not the friendship continues.

I suggest this is a reflection on how SHE is feeling. She is projecting herself onto your situation.

That's just unnecessarily mean. She's a bit over the top and full on and I'd feel uncomfortable with it but maybe she's struggling herself and feels desperate. Do we have absolutely no grace any more.

Sounds like you have already made up your mind to ditch her anyway.
You say you have known her for awhile, has she always been this intense? If not, maybe she is the one struggling.

This also my thoughts.
she sounds a bit mad!!! Is it some sort of cry for help? Is she struggling?? Sounds a bit much so I can’t think why else she would be this overreaching..

It's not cool really. But I also think she isn't coping. It's quite a frantic way to behave. The kind thing to do would be to message and ask if she is ok as her behavious was quite erratic and OTT. Absolutely fine to just cool the friendship though. And absolutely understandable.

Why cant she just be concerned about you as a new mum?

Why does everything have to always be so sinister on mumsnet.

You presumably are quite close to her if she has your partner’s number?

*I’d get your partner to reply ‘yeah she’s doing really well, she often tosses her phone to one side because she’s such a good mother focussing on our child instead of outside interference, so I’m sure she’ll get back to you at some point if she wants to’.(
That's just unnecessarily mean. She's a bit over the top and full on and I'd feel uncomfortable with it but maybe she's struggling herself and feels desperate. Do we have absolutely no grace any more
Absolutely
Theres a lot of shitty suggested replies on MN. I know some a meant to be light hearted but they don't come across well.

One of the depressing things about Mumsnet is the fetishization of insularity. How very dare anyone be worried about someone else, to reach out, to care. The worship of “my little family”. She was a little over concerned. But better than leaving a friend flailing because “it’s none of my business”

Why on earth would she be worried about suicide just because the OP didn't reply immediately?

A normal person would just send a follow up message to OP, if they were really concerned about her. It's OTT and intrusive to go straight to her partner after just one message wasn't responded to.