Aibu to end relationship because they have said they will never go on holiday with my DC again?

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Bit of background, been together three years, but don't live together as I have a teenage DD and younger DD and it felt like it would be difficult to expect them to live with someone new. I have shared custody and they already live in a blended house with their dad.

Anyway, DP has expressed discontent with elder DD, being a little selfish or unthinking, not particularly helpful around the house. Are they perfect? No, but they are overall good kids, not in any trouble, communicative, loving.

We are on holiday with DP. He's been noticably parenting my youngest, telling them off, telling them what to do somewhat. Not really his place, but I've let it slide so far.

He went off to get some snacks and didn't ask for suggestions, came back with a bag full. Eldest looked in, and not realizing he was in hearing distance moaned they weren't nice or what she liked. He kicked off, swore, saying how fucking rude she was.

I talked to him after, he declared he's never coming on holiday with us again, that she's rude entitled etc etc....

I'm feeling like this is it then. We had talked about moving in together in a few years, but this has massively put me off. He's also ND, and his lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in some other ways is just getting to me

DD admitted to me she was rude, but hadn't realized he was there. Wasn't a big deal, I'd have told to her buy her own snacks!

YANBU please get rid of this man now before he does damage to your daughters.

I cannot overstate what a red flag this is!

Not many men (any?!) will blend with a family so can you simply date him and keep them all separate? They’ve no real interest in other people’s kids (let alone teens)

You can end a relationship for any reason you want to, you don't need permission.

I'd also not "let it slide" - don't parent my kids.

Yes, this relationship is done. Sounds like a dick.

YABU to dump him solely for not coming away with you again. YANBU to get rid of him because he is a nasty prick to your DC, his relationship with them is the priority not holidays.

@Newgirls

How can you advise her to just keep them separate? He’s awful to her daughters, kicking off and swearing over snacks, complaining about how entitled they are! He is a menace to them.

Keep your daughters close and put them first, they’re already part of a blended family and adding to this a horrid man who clearly dislikes them is horrible.

Nope. No. Not a chance. Him and his collection of red flags would be gone.

Bin him. Sounds like you'll have a much nicer holiday just you and your daughters next time.

I don't understand why you brought him on holiday if you know your children wouldn't want to live with him on the normal days. This is supposed to fun and relaxing for them too, but you've brought a random man to live with them on a special family occasion? It doesn't make sense.

The teething issues that you'd have when you first move in should have happened at a calm time at home.

Also, you should dump him because he treats your kids crap and parents them, not because he won't go on holiday with you.

I‘ve said yabu because I think letting some boyfriend of yours tell off your children and say they are fucking rude and let it all slide is appalling.

He bought the bag of snacks without asking for anyone‘s opinion to set up a situation where he could call someone ungrateful.

bin him off.

Why did you think it would be a good idea to share a holiday with him?

It does sound like it’s done tbh op. It sounded like a weird dynamic anyway, you saying it wasn’t his place to correct your teen is fair enough but then what, he just lets stuff slide? It just sounds like you’re acquaintances rather than a team

Btw, what is his current living situation?

I wouldn't have let the parenting your youngest slide.

But swearing at your DD would be the end for me.

Living completely separate lives forever would be miserable and given his flying off the handle would you even want to keep going with him separately?

Definitely split up. It’s not fair on your children. I hope he didn’t make them feel uncomfortable on their holiday.

I guess anyone can get irritated by a grumpy or seemingly rude teenager. Also Teenagers are inherently selfish and go through a period of pushing boundaries etc. So I can see how this might of happened as an isolated incident.

It depends how much you want your relationship to progress with this guy. Would you be happy keeping your relationship with him separate from your family life. i.e. separate holidays - not living together etc etc??
How long is it likely to be before both your children are independent? Can you wait that long before progressing the relationship to moving in?

If you want to continue the relationship I think you need to have a frank conversation with DP about what life with a teenager might look like - make him understand you come as part of a package with your children and things wont always be smooth. The kids aren't always going to be on perfect behaviour. Also - speak to him about your boundaries in terms of him "parenting" your kids.

I think he response was far too emotional and immature. Sure, you might be a little miffed with an ungrateful response, but they are kids. He has kids of his own,!

The reason for not living together was also originally around my house not having enough space or bathrooms for all of us to not feel comfortable or uncramped

I think there's a very fine balance between not being a complete doormat as a "stepparent" (or similar) and overstepping on the actual parents toes and I don't think it's right for you to let things slide that don't sit well with you because things will just continue to escalate and your kids will feel like you've chosen him over defending them. That's damaging to your relationship with them as these moments can easily build up when each one is individually small.

I think the fact he swore and lost his temper in front of my kids would be the nail in the coffin of the relationship. It sounds like he's not able to be flexible enough to accept that this is what life with teens is often like and doesn't have the emotional skills to regulate himself enough to manage it properly. It sounds like being on holiday with the kids is too much for him and if that's too much for him then I'd agree that living together is not on the cards. I personally wouldn't waste any more time on someone who feels comfortable speaking to my kids that way.

Being ND can create certain challenges in a relationship around communication etc but it's not actually an excuse for lack of empathy, many ND people are actually highly empathetic and quick to worry about reading situations wrong and are very apologetic if they get it wrong. The fact this guy isn't is the red flag.

And ive just read your other thread. He is a cock. Bin him now.

He has his own place where he is when I have my DC, tends to come over when they are with their dad. Didn't want to push the blended family as they have this with their dad and it's not been ideal.

personally I think it would be great if you ditched this awful sounding man. But of course you can date whomever you like. I wouldn’t impose him on your poor DDs though.

your DD’s behaviour was typically teenage - but very aggravating to someone who just bought snacks and considers her to be grown up enough to behave like an adult - ish. You can guarantee that if your DD’s friend bought snacks, your dd wouldn’t have said that. But friends v home is different.

breaking up is a reasonable option - I think your eldest needs space to exist in where another adult doesn’t get at her for chores/lack thereof. Or consider her selfish. Teens need to work through their shitty behaviour, but without someone sticking their oar in

Three more days of holiday to go... I'll hold off the conversation until back home I think (he provided the transport!).

From his behavior today he seems to have no idea anything is wrong, I spent the night thinking this is over.

Letting things slide sounds like a lazy way of parenting. Are you actually stepping up to parent your kids so that he doesn't feel like he has to?