Aibu to end relationship because they have said they will never go on holiday with my DC again?

[UndoRedo]

Bit of background, been together three years, but don't live together as I have a teenage DD and younger DD and it felt like it would be difficult to expect them to live with someone new. I have shared custody and they already live in a blended house with their dad.

Anyway, DP has expressed discontent with elder DD, being a little selfish or unthinking, not particularly helpful around the house. Are they perfect? No, but they are overall good kids, not in any trouble, communicative, loving.

We are on holiday with DP. He's been noticably parenting my youngest, telling them off, telling them what to do somewhat. Not really his place, but I've let it slide so far.

He went off to get some snacks and didn't ask for suggestions, came back with a bag full. Eldest looked in, and not realizing he was in hearing distance moaned they weren't nice or what she liked. He kicked off, swore, saying how fucking rude she was.

I talked to him after, he declared he's never coming on holiday with us again, that she's rude entitled etc etc....

I'm feeling like this is it then. We had talked about moving in together in a few years, but this has massively put me off. He's also ND, and his lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in some other ways is just getting to me

DD admitted to me she was rude, but hadn't realized he was there. Wasn't a big deal, I'd have told to her buy her own snacks!

I don’t think you should be letting your male partner tell your children off. They have a father.

I think you should end this but take some time before dating to think about you integrate your partners with your children.

Oh it's a 'he' at last, not a they and you've at last mentioned 'daughter'. Phew!

Just don't live with him, keep things as they are for as long as it suits. Living with somebody else's kids is no fun.

If you were at home, you could’ve asked him to leave, or they could’ve asked their dad if they could stay. You are all on holiday in a vulnerable position if he kicks off, your DC don’t feel safe or secure being themselves round this man because he can’t regulate his emotions and intolerant.
This is how he would be if you lived together and if I was your child I’d be asking dad if I could live with him permanently.
Your BF is rejecting your DC because they aren’t his idea of perfection and he sees them as your baggage. This is having a profound affect on them, they need you to put them first as he is shredding their self worth.

Sounds like lack of communication all round tbh. Start talking to one another

If a man swore at my daughter I would be absolutely fucking raging. He’d probably get a few choice words back at him ironically. I am autistic and sometimes emotional intelligence seems like a foreign concept, but if you want a relationship as an autistic, you need to learn. Unless he is very high support needs, he can learn. Autism or ND is not an excuse for acting like this. Teenagers are self centred, it’s a normal part of development. The only teens I’ve met who aren’t are carers who have way too much responsibility at a young age to be self centred.

I do think that if he is your partner and you’ve been together three years, he kind of does have a place to tell your kids off. My step dad and step mum would tell me off if I was being cheeky, not in the same way my mum/dad would, but they’d tell me to pack it in. How long has he known them?

For me, I would dump him. It’s not the “I’ll never come on holiday with you again” it’s that he can’t handle kids. He is also using his ND as an excuse to be a dick - and it’s not an excuse.

@Newmum738

”he’s hurting” over the DC whingeing about snacks he bought? Give over. Stop excusing that behaviour at flying off the handle and swearing and insulting this posters young teen daughters. You need help if you think he’s the one ‘hurting’ and entitled to lash out.

I wouldn't even consider continuing a relationship with this man. I also wouldn't 'let it slide' when he overstepped the mark with my children.

this isn’t just about holidays. See the bigger picture. Holidays are a couple of weeks a year on average. He doesn’t like your children, and a holiday should be an example of what it would be like to live together.
your children won’t be young forever , but you need to find a man with his own so maybe he is more prepared what to expect from them.

OP I’ll give it to you straight no matter the fawning over an ill tempered horrible man.

Not only is he intolerant of your girls being normal teenagers, he dislikes them, they irritate him to the point he loses his temper over snacks - he is probably jealous and resentful of them thus he feels the need to step in and try ‘parent’ them. Can you even LIKE a man who sees your daughters this way?

I still remember when I left the light on in my room a few times even after being reminded and so my then stepdad took all the lightbulbs out of my room for 6 months. Please don't let him move in

@Kate8889

omg I’m so sorry that is disgusting and it will have left a lasting mark on you, his aggressive ‘teaching you a lesson’

"I don’t think you should be letting your male partner tell your children off. They have a father."

I would tell off any small child I was travelling with if they were misbehaving or doing something dangerous and if their parent wasn't close enough to intervene. That's not the same as 'parenting'.

@Gwenhwyfar completely misses the whole point and context, as usual.

Two thoughts, yes he was way out of line swearing and yes he should leave the parenting to the parent.....however he may also have a point about your daughters and its possible that his status as an outsider to the family allows him to see things you can't easily see as their mother. But I'm from another country originally and am often amazed by the behaviour UK parents shrug off, so I may not be unbiased! Either way holidays rarely bring out the best in children / teens IME so I'd avoid holidaying together.

That wasn't not nearly the worst thing he's done, but definitely one that I took personally. My mom's current husband isn't much better, but thankfully I don't live with her anymore so interaction is minimal and cordial.

You are clearly switched on - not blending families when it's clear that's not in the kids best interests. Trust yourself with this one too - he has over reacted hugely and is a clear indication that he will not tolerate your kids ( very normal ) behaviour. Don't do it to yourself or your daughter

@Kate8889 so glad you’re out of both situations, but awful you’ve had to go through that.

Do not move in with this man, he’s not cut out to be in a blended family, prioritise your children

I have Similar step father stories, men like them just don't like us and see us as a nuisance and a bother!

Posters decrying a teenager complaining to their mum they don’t like the snacks instead of focusing on the grown adult man, attempting to parent them straight off the bat on their first trip together, losing his shit and swearing over it

Guess who’s blamed and should be taught to be nicer and more grateful

Please don't move this man into your children's home.

I don’t think your daughter was rude. I think it’s important for children and teenagers to feel safe to express their discontent. If these were snacks for everyone then a normal person would ask others what snacks they wanted. It’s basic manners.

I don’t like how your boyfriend has been disciplining your youngest child. Your boyfriend sounds like a bully.

He’s not interested in your kids. Fact. Get rid

I think this sounds a good plan! His response to dd was out of order. And his lack of realisation today that he’s ff-ed up would be another nail in his coffin to me.
A relationship with someone with low emotional intelligence and empathy just isn’t worth it. Add kids into mix and deffo deal breaker.
I would tell him to back off parenting but otherwise just get through holiday, back home and split up.
Best of luck you sound very sensible and your parenting sounds absolutely fine - it’s him

Definitely end it. The DC are more mature than the sulking man with no patience.