Aibu to end relationship because they have said they will never go on holiday with my DC again?

[UndoRedo]

Bit of background, been together three years, but don't live together as I have a teenage DD and younger DD and it felt like it would be difficult to expect them to live with someone new. I have shared custody and they already live in a blended house with their dad.

Anyway, DP has expressed discontent with elder DD, being a little selfish or unthinking, not particularly helpful around the house. Are they perfect? No, but they are overall good kids, not in any trouble, communicative, loving.

We are on holiday with DP. He's been noticably parenting my youngest, telling them off, telling them what to do somewhat. Not really his place, but I've let it slide so far.

He went off to get some snacks and didn't ask for suggestions, came back with a bag full. Eldest looked in, and not realizing he was in hearing distance moaned they weren't nice or what she liked. He kicked off, swore, saying how fucking rude she was.

I talked to him after, he declared he's never coming on holiday with us again, that she's rude entitled etc etc....

I'm feeling like this is it then. We had talked about moving in together in a few years, but this has massively put me off. He's also ND, and his lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in some other ways is just getting to me

DD admitted to me she was rude, but hadn't realized he was there. Wasn't a big deal, I'd have told to her buy her own snacks!

You may as well end it now.
You could still see him when you're child free but you've probably gone off him. There's no good future with a bad tempered man who can't regulate his emotions being around your children ... and any grandchildren you might have one day.

Well, if you're riding out the holiday so you can get transport from him, I'd definitely be telling him that any kind of 'parenting' your children is not acceptable and not wanted. Shouting at your kids is absolutely not okay. I have a similar set up to yours and that man's arse would have been thrown out of the window a lot bloody sooner.

You'd be a brilliant role model to your DDs if you dump this bloke. He's not the right man for you or your family.

End the relationship. A small positive is that you have found out whilst he is not living under your roof.

you sounds like a great mum OP. Yes leave him.
is there no way you can get home now without him? I’m sure you can judge for yourself if this is necessary but would be shit if something worse happens now and can’t be very relaxing at all for your daughters (or you) to have to be in the same space as him, sounds like you’re going to be walking on eggshells for a couple of days just to get a lift home and he may well pick up on it and things could blow up. If you can get a taxi to a train station and get home like that personally I think that would be a good idea.

😆 EXACTLY 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Ditto

If he spoke about my kid like that we’d be out of there pronto. Bin him.

I'd end it too. Obviously it's up to you when, but what are the next few days going to be like?

I have bf, and we live seperately too. I have to dc's at home (dd19, ds13) and share care with their father, and my bf has a dd14 who his is the main carer for. We've decided that we won't live together until the last one has left home or is happy with it. We make a point of not parenting each other dc's, I just think that's a recipe for disaster..... as you're finding out. So if your dp does it again, please don't let it slide. Your dp sounds very intolerant.

I had this last year on holiday with ex bf and dd now 15. But ours was around alcohol. She doesnt like anyone drinking and wasnt nice when he did. Anyways it all blew up and their relationship never recovered and effectively i was in protector mode all the time he also wanted to parent my youngest. He had adhd the youngest has adhd anyways it was a big mess. We split up. My advice would be holiday lone with him.and alone with kids. Date him dont involve the kid's

Bin him he sounds horrible, you are not doing your children and you any good.

Ps I ended my relationship of a decade because he shouted at my teen like this and I’m so glad I did. I see a lot of people being exposed as very inadequate parents when their kids become teenagers, issues of immaturity, intolerance, control… It all gets blamed on the teens doesn’t it, like it’s a joke how hard teens are but I think minimum half of it is that their adults just can’t deal with loosing control. See it everywhere, from mothers and fathers. It needs to be a time of rapid personal growth for adults as well as kids imo

I will say that I think if you are expecting a partner to be around/a part of your children's life, it is unreasonable expectations them to "not parent". Presumably if there has been more than one opportunity for him to pull your youngest on her behaviour, you aren't doing it yourself and if they are being rude/disrespectful then I don't think it's unreasonable for that adult to address it, if done respectfully.

That said, it doesn't sound like he has handled this at all well and is probably one to put back in the sea. You just aren't compatible. I can't tell you whether his standards are unreasonably high of 2 kids, or whether you are "letting things slide" that probably should be addressed, but either way you aren't going to see eye to eye on this, and the way he reacted and spoke to your eldest about the snacks was unacceptable and that alone (even if he was justified in being annoyed) would be it for me, nobody speaks to my kids like that.

I am a bit surprised that you didn't see this coming, though. You say that he has already expressed he doesn't agree with the kids behaviour at home (that presumably he doesn't think you are addressing adequately) and you know that he lacks empathy and emotional intelligence. Taking the kids out of their normal routine and away on holiday (when, let's face, kids as a rule of thumb tend to get a bit more unreasonable in their behaviour and expectations!) with him, where presumably there is little time or space to go off and all do your own thing, and if you don't live together presumably they don't know him very well, was a recipe for disaster if I'm honest. That doesn't excuse his behaviour and I think you should bin him, but I don't know what you expected tbh! Out of curiosity, who paid for the holiday?

In future, if you don't want a DP to parent your kids, don't put them in those situations. I think your decision not to move a new partner in at this stage in their life is admirable, but I think you need to accept that means no big happy family holidays either. Stick to holidays alone with your kids until they are older, you won't have many years left with them wanting to go away with you and then you'll have plenty of time to holiday with partners. Don't ruin your last few years of family holidays trying to make them get along with men they barely know!

I'd probably use it as a lesson for DD - always speak as about people as though they can hear you and/or read what you are saying. So don't say something that you wouldn't say to their face....Really good message as so many people get caught testing the wrong person or with others overhearing....Use it as a lesson to teach her tact and diplomacy.

However separately, yes to dumping him.

Your BF won’t get better with your DC, only worse, you can’t blend your family with him. He is intolerant of your DC, he won’t accept their behaviour is them just being children, he is starting to cross boundaries and judge them harshly which isn’t acceptable.
This isn’t something that you can sit down and talk through because your BF won’t see his expectations are way too high and that his behaviour is worse because he is an adult.
He went to the shop, without bothering to ask them what they wanted and then goes into a strop that they didn’t like his choice of snacks/food. Your eldest has owned her words upset him but your partner refuses to see he should of asked if there was anything they wanted, If it was your DC who had come back from the shop with snacks he disliked, he would’ve gone into a strop too.
Your DC are being used as scapegoats by him, he will start to blame them for any problems in your relationship with him. I’d let him know that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ is not acceptable and sever ties with him when you get back home.

Agree with this. She was rude but to her credit, she acknowledged that and she'll know in future to be more careful about what you say in case you are overheard. I think we've all done that at some point in our younger years, said something not very nice and been overheard!
However, his reaction was awful and I would get rid of him for that.

Your ideas of parenting don't match up. Also I don't like how he's commented on what your DD does or not do around the house and being "selfish" or "unthinking". He doesn't live with you (thank fuck) so it's none of his business what she does or doesn't do around the house! Maybe she is a bit selfish or unthinking but that's up to you to deal with and not him.

Just get rid. You don't need this in your life. Also, it was a very good thing that you didn't let him move in with you. Too many people move men in to the family home far too soon.

Good on you for prioritising your kids.

There’s nothing more frustrating than having to spend time with children who are lazy, rude, unhelpful etc and there isn’t hope for you to have a successful blended family.

Your only hope is to keep dating and keep him separate to your home life and hope one day in the future when your children are adults that they’re both able to have mutual respect and politeness towards each other.

Nope. Don't visit this on your daughters. They don't need to see themselves through his lens.

It sounds like he did a well intentioned thing which was not appreciated and now he is hurting. It could easily happen in a real father/child situation and I would speak to them both separately. I’d tell the child not to be ungrateful and the adult to be more patient. Don’t blow it out of proportion.

He swore at your eldest for not being grateful for snacks she didn't ask for?
That's not "emotional immaturity", that's straight up abuse.

Maybe keep your boyfriends away from your children, unless you are expected to blend families. However, it's probably best to not introduce a new man into their lives while they are still living with you.

Dump him. There is no way in hell I would let anyone speak to my kid like that, whether she was rude or not. She is still a child and needs to learn not be told off. He is an adult and if he heard her, the appropriate response would be something like, Well I tried. You don’t have to eat them and next time, perhaps you can buy your own.
Why didn’t he ask what snacks they like? I think that is rude.

@UndoRedo i wanted to address the ND thing, i assume your partner has no kids of his own. My ex (ND) and i recently split up and although this wasnt the main reason, one of he things was him judging my parenting. It annoyed me but i also thought it was unjustified as his standards were way too high - no screen time ever, no sweets ever etc. I did a lot of research after we split and the main thing was that children really affect that type of ND/NT relationship. I think its because children arent predictable/have moods etc, and these arent even his own kids. Whereas ND people thrive on routine/everyone behaving well. I think you probably thought youd be able to blend families like i did, but the reality wasnt the case. My ex wasnt nasty but i think he was of the attitude of kids behaving perfectly and being seen/not heard.

Even though i was devastated to split - i had a friend whose mother married a man who was ND and he didnt get on with both the children. Unfortunately the mother stayed with him and both my friend and her sibling have suffered since, both with him and dysfunctional relationships. So there is that knock on effect if you decide to stay with him.

It's also interesting (to me) that it's your eldest that he's clashed with given his precious negative comments about her.

I'm guessing she's not his biggest fan and he knows that, hence niggling at her more than the younger one?

If you stay together I'd bet it won't be long until he's broaching living together but that not being possible while she lives at home

Dump him. I’ve spent 6 years watching my partner and living separately. We have done multiple holidays together with his DS and it’s only now we are blending. You are absolutely doing the right thing, role model behaviour putting your DDs and you first.