Aibu to end relationship because they have said they will never go on holiday with my DC again?

[UndoRedo]

Bit of background, been together three years, but don't live together as I have a teenage DD and younger DD and it felt like it would be difficult to expect them to live with someone new. I have shared custody and they already live in a blended house with their dad.

Anyway, DP has expressed discontent with elder DD, being a little selfish or unthinking, not particularly helpful around the house. Are they perfect? No, but they are overall good kids, not in any trouble, communicative, loving.

We are on holiday with DP. He's been noticably parenting my youngest, telling them off, telling them what to do somewhat. Not really his place, but I've let it slide so far.

He went off to get some snacks and didn't ask for suggestions, came back with a bag full. Eldest looked in, and not realizing he was in hearing distance moaned they weren't nice or what she liked. He kicked off, swore, saying how fucking rude she was.

I talked to him after, he declared he's never coming on holiday with us again, that she's rude entitled etc etc....

I'm feeling like this is it then. We had talked about moving in together in a few years, but this has massively put me off. He's also ND, and his lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in some other ways is just getting to me

DD admitted to me she was rude, but hadn't realized he was there. Wasn't a big deal, I'd have told to her buy her own snacks!

It's completely untenable. It has to be over. I can't believe you've let it go this far tbh.

Basically he resents your kids and sees them as an inconvenience to be put up with if he wants your company, not a valued addition to his life. He wants to occupy a position where he gets to cast judgement from the sidelines, voice his displeasure, discipline them etc, but doesn't want to create an actual relationship with them that has any warmth or mutual respect and love. How does that look going forward? You have a life that's split in two. You have a life with your partner who wants to pretend you aren't also a mother, and then a separate life where you have adult children, possibly grandchildren etc who don't want his involvement and with whom he does not want to be involved. It sounds utterly miserable. And tbh if my mum chose a man like that, I'd take it quite personally and it would affect our relationship.

Also, and I appreciate this may not be a universal opinion, it is extremely important to me that my children continue to see my house as their home. I want them to always feel they are welcome and can visit and stay whenever they want or need to. That it's a safe base for them. This would not be possible for your children because your partner would not be willing to allow them to stay and would very much not see it as their home.

Best of luck for the next 3 days.
You are a fantastic parent, well done on having firm boundaries while raising your fabulous DC.

She was acting like a normal teenager and he reacted like a child.
I can’t stand adults over reacting when children/teenages act the age they are.

You lot are absolutely off your rocker

Your daughter was extremely rude and ungrateful to your partner, a good parent would teach their daughter some manners and make her apologise for her attitude and ungratefulness. You’re not doing her any favours enabling her to behave in such an atrocious fashion with no consequences

Poor partner, having to put up with that. I’m sure it’s no wonder he would rather go on holiday solo or with mates or as a couple than be treated like that, no doubt he paid for it too

This ridiculous gentle parenting has gone too far and is the root cause of many of societies ills. This behaviour from your daughter would not have flown in the 90s or better yet the 70s and frankly the world was a better place

If you are cruel enough to end the relationship over this you will probably resent your daughter forever, and what other man would put up with such a situation

Also if the genders were reversed - a teenage son acting like that to a female step mum I bet the reactions on here would be different. You need to take a long hard look at yourselves

There's a very fine line between parenting and 'adulting' an older child or teen. I wouldn't let DS's friends do and say whatever they want in my house so I do hold boundaries, even though I don't see this as 'parenting'. Is your dp trying to parent your younger child or is he just holding boundaries?

With your older DD the reacting to her rudeness is not on. If this were one of DS's friends, I would say 'that was rude, do you not like x? I thought you would' I'd then expect them to say something conciliatory and acknowledge their rudeness and if they do I'd probably have apologised for not consulting first. That to me is the right balance of not letting them be rude or disrespectful.

If you don't think your dp can manage to change his approach then yes, I think you are right that there is unlikely a future for you together.

She didn't realise he could hear. His reaction was way over the top. You can't possibly move into together. I'd think about ending the relationship.

Straight in the bin OP protect your kids.

@UndoRedo YANBU OP. Your eldest DD's behaviour sounds typically teenager'ish (although we're all allowed to not like stuff!) and she recognised that by telling you she hadn't realised he was within earshot, so it doesn't sound like she has zero self-awareness or that she meant to upset him. His behaviour, on the other hand, sounds significantly more immature (and offensive) than hers. I think you've probably arrived at the right decision OP and I have to say I'm impressed by your ongoing determined prioritisation of your DDs' needs over a man's. They won't be children forever, but you will always be their mum. 🤗

"I'm feeling like this is it then. We had talked about moving in together in a few years, but this has massively put me off. He's also ND, and his lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in some other ways is just getting to me"

It's over, then. All that's left is to tell him so.

He swore at your children. Of course it’s over. What on earth are you teaching them if you carry on?

I'm going to guess that your boyfriend doesn't have any children of his own? Therefore, he's not used to children of any age. You don't live together, so your children aren't used to being in close proximity to him for any real length of time. You've then all gone on holiday, and have expected everyone to get on. It was unlikely to happen. Your boyfriend is used to his own space and your children aren't used to living with your boyfriend. There were always going to be teething problems. However, it sounds as if your boyfriend doesn't really have the patience to be involved in your daughter's lives, or interest. He seems to find your children frustrating, and annoying. Relationship's generally have to grow and evolve, they can't stay the same forever more. You mention about living together, but given being on holiday in close proximity, hasn't been a great success, I can't see living together working either. Your boyfriend, especially as he doesn't share a home with your children, shouldn't be disciplining them, let alone thinking he has a right to shout and swear at your eldest. If your boyfriend can't tolerate your children, then that's the biggest red flag - the relationship isn't the right one for you or your children. End the relationship.

Yes, he has to go.

For those of us who have been through the teen years, know that this is completely normal for a child this age. They are completely self absorbed and we bide our time to get through that phase.

But he isn't in a phase, he doesn't have the puberty excuse.

Imagine if this were the other way around. You telling him that you will tolerate him only, but not when his dc are there.

To be very honest OP, this is exactly the reason why I never wanted to date again after my divorce. I was not going to put my dd's in uncomfortable situations which involves some man which is not their father. They have been through enough trauma with the split.

Focus on you and your children. Everyone will be much happier.

Exactly!

How old are his kids?

I am an old school parent, and I would not accept this from a new partner either.

My children were teens a fair while back, and teens are teens due to hormonal changes. This is nothing to do with gentle parenting. If you believe it is, well I must have been a gentle parent in the 90s too. As during some phases in parenting, you just have to pick your battles.

But no-one is going to swear at my child on my watch. And then expect me to side with them.

In this instance, I would have spoken to my dc later on in the day so that they were aware that their reaction was not actually okay. But an eye roll and being sworn at are two very different situations.

he declared he's never coming on holiday with us again,

That's fine. You shouldn't be taking him on holiday with your DDs ever again. His behaviour towards them isn't healthy. This is him on his best behaviour, on holiday for the first time with his partner's children, the two people she is responsible for and cares about most in the world. And he shouted and swore at them over a trivial remark. It's not going to improve.

You could keep a relationship going if you like but you'd have to keep him well away from your DDs. And what's the point of that? YWNBU to end the relationship.

Teenagers are difficult. You are quite right to have not moved in together and it was a mistake to go on holiday together but I don't think that means you end the relationship. Stick with seeing him when your kids are with their dad or at school. You can spend more time with him when they have left home. He is right to say he won't holiday with them again it's clearly not going to work.

Op you've said this man is now acting as if nothing is amiss, this suggests to me that he's training you to accept him dominating and bullying your children.
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She wasn't rude or ungrateful 'to' the OP's partner because she didn't know he was there or would overhear. DD admitted she was rude and probably would have apologised - if he hadn't kicked off and started swearing at her.

It is not ok to be yelling and swearing angrily at kids because they don't like the snacks you bought when they are your own children, let alone when they're not.

If that's how you behave then I feel sorry for your kids.

Well, you tried it, it didn't work.

No shame in realising that and breaking things off.

It gave you a snapshot of what the future could be like if things progressed with this man, and you've seen that it's not what you want.

I would call partner out and suggest he apologies to DD, it all stemmed from snacks which she hadn’t been asked about, she shouldn’t be made to feel she has to blindly accept them and be grateful. I completely accept that teenagers can be a profound pain and self absorbed, however your role is to protect her above all else. Whether he apologises will be very telling.

He is not involved at home as you stated he only visits when they are at their fathers, he can’t expect to be able to have a good relationship with them if he doesn’t spend and invest in time with them.

I would be very cautious and keen to avoid showing your daughters that they shouldn’t stand their ground and question horrible behaviour within a relationship, a dangerous precedent to set.

The thing that stands out ti me is that you have been together three years. At this stage I would have expected that ge has gelled with your family unit a lot more, even to the point where he could tell your children off. That you would be on the same page about acceptable behaviour and that yes if they were about to stick their hands in a cake for example, he could tell them not to. But that he would also be in the same page as to what is just normal kid behaviour, like complaining about snacks and be able to have a little banter or joke about it with yohr daughter. 'Oh you dont like the snacks I hear, well I will just call the butler to put on an afternoon tea for you, hahaha, ok dont worry we will get you something later' that kind of thing. Not swearing and calling her names
It's just weird that he is not in anyway gelled into your family dynamic after 3 years.

Is your daughter entitled? Frankly if he isn’t their step dad, not taking that role in anyway, then he’s just a family friend and she shouldn’t have been so rude and ungrateful. If he is her stepdad or more of a part of the family then fine maybe she’d let her guard down a bit and be rude. He shouldn’t have sworn. I’m guessing that it isn’t just the one time she’s been rude though - or he’s just sick and tired of being expected to do all the bits you want him to do (like go on a family holiday) but not being allowed to have any say on what he finds rude or disrespectful and tiptoeing around you because he’s not their step dad (well then they should be on better behaviour. Would they treat a stranger this way? Or a family friend?) you can’t have it both ways. He is either part of the family or he’s not.

lol thank you for some sanity, I was reading the other comments thinking this is why kids are rude as hell nowadays.

@UndoRedo honestly this is on you. If I had to guess you’re like me and overcompensate with your DDs to the point that they inadvertently becoming very inconsiderate kids without even realising. This works when it’s just the 3 of you but it doesn’t work when there’s someone else who sees the dynamic from the outside and just goes “?????”.

It’s up to you whether or not you want to let this person go (I would because if this is all it takes for you to consider breaking up, maybe it’s just not that solid?), but even if you do break up, maybe start letting things slide a little less.

You sound unhinged.

I would hate that OP and couldn't be with someone like that. The kinder he is to your kids the better behaved they will be as they will feel safe.