Aibu to end relationship because they have said they will never go on holiday with my DC again?

[UndoRedo]

Bit of background, been together three years, but don't live together as I have a teenage DD and younger DD and it felt like it would be difficult to expect them to live with someone new. I have shared custody and they already live in a blended house with their dad.

Anyway, DP has expressed discontent with elder DD, being a little selfish or unthinking, not particularly helpful around the house. Are they perfect? No, but they are overall good kids, not in any trouble, communicative, loving.

We are on holiday with DP. He's been noticably parenting my youngest, telling them off, telling them what to do somewhat. Not really his place, but I've let it slide so far.

He went off to get some snacks and didn't ask for suggestions, came back with a bag full. Eldest looked in, and not realizing he was in hearing distance moaned they weren't nice or what she liked. He kicked off, swore, saying how fucking rude she was.

I talked to him after, he declared he's never coming on holiday with us again, that she's rude entitled etc etc....

I'm feeling like this is it then. We had talked about moving in together in a few years, but this has massively put me off. He's also ND, and his lack of empathy and emotional intelligence in some other ways is just getting to me

DD admitted to me she was rude, but hadn't realized he was there. Wasn't a big deal, I'd have told to her buy her own snacks!

Apologised for not bringing the exact snacks the little princess liked and given her money?

Jesus wept. It’s snacks. Offered snacks. You say thank you and if you don’t like them, you politely have a couple and put it back.

It really isn't the boyfriends or our business how she parents her kids tbf, this man has shown the op who he is and she doesn't have to like it.

She makes it his business when she goes on a joint holiday with them. It’s a problem of her own making.

Or as I said he could have asked what people would like. I’m not convinced he was doing anything nice but no doubt that’s only because he’s nd and only he counts in his world.

Well now she knows what he is like lucky escape if you ask me, he sounds horrible.

I think it should be you who realises that taking your partner on holiday with your DC shouldn't and won't happen again @UndoRedo

He overreacted. Do the kids like him in general though?

Having said that, it’s a pity that the OP and the partner ballsed up their original marriages, as blended families by their very nature are absolutely wretched for all concerned, especially the male step parents, for the exact reasons that have been shown here

Ite certainly not an ideal situation for the partner to have been treated like this and clearly the OP has no idea how to control her children. She would likely be doing him a favour by dumping him, although 3 years is a very long relationship to throw away but he will never get the respect he deserves or his needs considered. He would be better off being single, finding a casual fun child free woman, or trying to get the love of his life back

When they go on holiday together it becomes his business.

What was the transport in the end? Are you insured?

And why are they wretched? Are relationships where people stay together at any cost any better?

I know several happy “blended” families and I know just as many, if not more, absolutely miserable and dysfunctional “conventional” families.

@BringBackThe1990s

I couldn’t agree with you more.

It sounds like you actually don't like him anymore, OP, as a result of how he has treated your children--that is fair enough, and a good reason to leave him. You need to like your partner.

His ND has nothing to do with it though--he might be ND, but he's also an arsehole, and only one of these is the problem

This!

Don’t say anything now. You are in a foreign country and don’t know what he can do.

But I would just grey rock him- nod and agree. Don’t do anything to wind him up. Tell your kids to just give him room and you’ll discuss when home.

I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t take on my kid. Teens are a nightmare- but adults don’t loose it over it. He sounds like he’s not a keeper

Would love to hear the other side of this story, you basically wrote “they’re no angels, but…” so I can only assume they are very poorly behaved and you don’t set boundaries or discipline them.

Basically free the poor man from having to put up with your spoilt brats. He’ll thank you for it in the long run.

Sounds like a minor squabble over very little. I'd just let it pass as he may not mean it deep
down. I doubt he'd describe her as selfish based on one incident so it sounds like there is backstory not shared here.

I would not want this man to be around my children.

My DH and DC's loved each other from the off. Blended perfectly.

Yes, if course. End it. I would never go on holiday with anyone's children (none in my life, thankfully).
YANBU.

Please don't continue this relationship. Sounds very much like how my stepfather was worth me and I'm 45 now and still suffer with really crippling anxiety because of years of constantly teasing eggshells around this man. Please don't put your daughter's through the same.
Mine actually physically assaulted me one day when I yelled back at him...he tried choking me.
Either your daughter will answer back and get hurt or she will make herself smaller to avoid him

Op I haven't RTET because I have to get ready to out with DH but I divorced my dc’s father ..finalized in 2007 and I can assure you I have had to state it out loud and live by my mantra….don't make me choose between my dc and you because you will lose.

Let this be your guiding principle always.

if your dc are rude or unappreciative or uncooperative or too demanding or don’t get up early enough or get drunk or appear bored or want to bring a friend or any of the other million things dc do and say…you and only you will address it.
No one calls my dc names or expresses displeasure in my earshot or sight. I will handle them as I see fit.

He seems awful with your DC, so it’s good he never moved in. Agree his outburst with DD alone is game over.

Shocking as well he apparently has no insight or remorse in to his unforgivable behaviour swearing at your DD.

If he actually said the words that she was 'fucking rude' then surely time to make your choice - your child or a grown man who says something like that about / to or within hearing of your child for stating her opinion/ preference - he could have made a joke about it or asked her what she wanted / preferred - a snack FFS??. He isn't ready to be 'blended' into your family - either a big conversation needed or 'the door out is that way>>' surely?? Your child may also be finding it difficult though?? I would chose the door choice though if ANYONE said that to my child.

It wouldn't surprise me if your children told you something after he's out of the picture . Mine highlighted things about their Dad that I hadn't realised.

It’s a bit weird that it’s the ‘never holidaying with them again’ thing that’s done it for you, rather than the fact he’s been horrible to your DC.

No wonder schools are so bad when children are constantly enabled and can never do wrong 😂

By her own admission, she was rude. So what, he swore. Jesus wept, its words. Fair enough if he was agressive but if it was "f*ck this shit" its hardly a crime! An apology from both sides should be enough.

The parenting the youngest and letting it slide, if you arent happy.... Parent yourself? Then no one else would have to?

I feel youd be best splitting up. I couldnt be bothered with this nonsense if i was either of you.