For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

[MumLife90]

My best friend and I have been besties since we were 5! Recently, she’s been acting strange with me and after asking what’s wrong, it’s come to light that she’s upset we’re getting married in the same month, 3 weeks apart.

She is having the big white wedding, me eloping with immediate family only and her, as to me, she is family (we also invited her husband to be and two sons, one of whom is my god son).

She explained that she’s upset we’ve planned it in the same month and said if it had to have been that month (which it did because of school holidays, other family commitments and financial benefits) then I should have asked her.

I didn’t ask her, because i genuinely didn’t see it as an issue. The reason being that they were two totally different weddings and with the exception of our wedding guests, no one else was going to know we were married until after the wedding so it wouldn’t detract from her day in anyway. Maybe I was selfish in this regard but had it been the other way, I really wouldn’t have had an issue.

Anyway, we then ended up telling people as she suggested doing so as people may be upset not that they weren’t invited, but because they weren’t told. It seems that it’s been after telling a specific group that she’s had these feelings again (but this is the first I’m hearing of it) and I can’t help but think they’ve stirred the pot and heightens emotions that were may be already there.

that’s by the by but I wanted to give as much detail as possible as I really want to understand if I have done something wrong. I hate that she feels like this and I would never intentionally try to hurt her or detract from her day in anyway.

i can’t help but wish we’d not told a single soul (including my best friend) and dealt with the negativity after the wedding instead of having the lead up tainted.

I guess it's too late to change anything but - even as a wedding-hater - I think you have been insensitive. It seems very odd to me that you didn't think "Oh June is X's wedding, so we'll have something in October when it's all blown over." I think YABU.

Do you have a lot of the same friends who will be attending her wedding? Maybe she feels you are using her wedding as an excuse to celebrate your wedding with everyone without having to organise or pay for it.

Why though? Wedding venues and register offices get booked up very quickly so clearly other people are getting married in the same month.
If organising a wedding is stressful (mine wasn't I've been married 43 years) then it doesn't take 3 weeks to destress. I would not be waiting another 6 weeks to appease anyone except close relatives who might not be able to make it. If I wanted a summer wedding that's what I would have not wait until October.

tbh I don’t really see why you’d do it so close unless you wanted to take some of her special time. Why not elope later in the year or next year? I think I’d also be wondering what the motive is? Most people have a bit of a comedown period after their wedding, waiting for photos to arrive, going on honeymoon etc, if she takes this time she’ll be encroaching on the build up to your wedding.

my feeling would be that I can’t see why there wasn’t another option and yes you should have run it by her if she is such an important person in your life. Like didn’t you ask her when floating the date? I asked my parents/siblings (eg we’re thinking of July 2025, what do you think? If they then told me they’d booked a cruise or my cousin was about to announce a July 25 wedding I’d change my plans)

i say this as a person who didn’t have a big white wedding either.

In theory you've done nothing wrong. She doesn't own the month. However I can understand it feeling a bit off to her, as you are so close.

I got married the same year as my best friend, both each others bridesmaid and like you hers bigger than mine and booked first. I deliberately ruled out a month gap either side of hers when looking at dates, so I didn't feel like we were planning 2 weddings at once. In the end mine was 3 months after hers which worked well - she'd had her honeymoon, we'd looked at her photos etc before we were on to hen do and last minute prep for mine.

I would apologise for not realising that would seem too close or talking to her about it, but explain as they are so different it hadn't occured to you, and also there were practical reasons for those dates. Hopefully she can move on from that, as it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme if things, but it will probably help to recognise her feelings.

Yes I can imagine a ‘and cheers to you and husband to be as well!’ Etc

But if the OP wants to get married in the school holidays for family reasons, that cuts in down to a week in Feb, 2 weeks in March/April, all of August, a week in October and 2 weeks over Christmas.

And, again, she can have her wedding when she wants she doesn't have to plan it around someone else's schedule.

I must live on a different planet ,the year I got married there were about 4 other weddings amongst our group of friends.All Summer Weddings and I genuinely cannot remember any fuss whatsoever!
OP I have had a similar problem with a very close friend ,not Wedding related ,but same emotions and I have had to sadly accept that our friendship will never be the same again.
I sent friend a heartfelt apology for being thoughtless over something I had forgotten explaining that events in my own immediate family over that few days had absolutely flawed me. A very scary few days for us all. She was aware of the ‘event’.
Now I would forever be worrying that I have unintentionally upset friend and would never feel relaxed in her company.
Am truly heartbroken .
People can be so complicated .
I hope you and your friend can sort things out and you both enjoy your weddings. X

It’s a drama about nothing but I’d be tempted to move the date, since she’s a very old and important friend. People don’t need to win every debate.

Ignore Her OP, a wedding is one day and yours is after hers so it’s not even like it interrupts her preparations. Just 1st world problems in my book she needs to get over it. You can’t own a month and dictate what everyone else does with their own lives, it’s ridiculous. If she was a good friend she’d be just as happy for you as she is for herself x

When my husband and I got married and set our wedding date his brother and now wife weren't even engaged but within a few weeks they were engaged and then set their wedding date which was 3 weeks before ours, and they didn't ask if we were ok with it. I couldn't have cared less, I was just looking forward to our wedding day.
If you're that concerned about your friendship I would ask her what does she want/expect you to do - her response will tell you if she's bothered about maintaining the friendship. What I wouldn't want is for her to say she's accepted it and to then always feel like I need to tip toe around her or be apologetic for everything - the friendship is then unbalanced and I don't think it would be worth saving.

She is being ridiculous, trouble is, this is how weddings are going these days, everything has to be big, ridiculously expensive. I read the average wedding is £20k. It's one day in your life. When I got married to me first h,I expected to wake up and feel completely different. Yes,we did actually elope. If you look in the dictionary now,it says a small intimate wedding focusing on the bride and groom..I had 20 at my second wedding. I thought that was huge (tiny register office) people complaining about the day, the time,mil about no kids. I wish to God we had gone to gretna green, which was booked and paid for.

You’re absolutely right she can do what she likes, she doesn’t have to consider anyone else.
And if she doesn’t want to consider her best friend for “all her life since they were 5” then she shouldn’t. And she shouldn’t then get upset if her friend put off by it.

She made you tell people people? Like you weren't intending to before? Just dropping it in afterwards? Sounds like she is in it for the drama

Anyway, breezy text saying your sorry for being selfish of course she will be far too busy after her wedding to attend yours and you completely understand she can no longer attend then go back to your original plan of keeping quiet and just having family involved do not discuss any arrangements with people outside the group who are actually going the friends will be hard pressed to get traction on drama if you refuse to engage

One of my best friends and I got married five weeks apart. It was fun planning it together etc, the only bit we both felt a bit bad about was the cost of a hen do and two weddings back to back for our couple of mutual friends. No one owns a month she sounds unhinged. I always wonder if these people who make such a drama out of their weddings are old enough/mature enough to be getting married at all. My DHs ex was a huge bridezilla and he wasn’t much better, huge family arguments about money and contributions and who was staying where etc then a baby almost immediately. Their marriage lasted not quite two years and on reflection they both admit to getting sucked into the wedding itself and ignoring the fact that they were incompatible and immature. Both happily remarried now.

I mean I had a wedding with only 13 guests but it didn’t make it any less of a special occasion for me and I would have expected my closest friends to make me feel special, as they did.

People are allowed to feel special when they get married. There’s nothing wrong with that.

@Spotthering of course there’s nothing wrong with that! But to go on about a bubble weeks later when it should be all about you and someone else celebrating somehow detracts from your delight at getting married, there is something wrong. I had a blast at my own wedding but realise family and friends had a great time but don’t need to think about it for weeks after.

is it because it impacts her having a honeymoon?

I like to plan my events and wax timelines! 🤣 too soon to wax again for the 2nd wedding! 🤣 Honestly, there are 52 weeks in the year, why not just space them out.

Too soon to wax again, the weddings are too close.
just me?

She is a drama queen

Be prepared for her to accept you paying for her family, her having a sulk during your wedding and then dropping you like a stone after.

Who was the one who picked their wedding date first?

Tell her to grow up

If you were having a big occasion, hen do etc then I think I would understand her point of view more assuming you have the same friendship groups etc - costs for friends etc. but given you're essentially eloping, covering the costs for everyone involved it is hard to understand. I'd probably reach out to her and say you never meant to offend her, it's the only month you could do and given it's low key didn't even think to mention it to her before hand?

If I was planning a big wedding this would be too much for me given that we all also have work and family commitments/stresses to deal with.

What was the problem with just choosing another month? There is no way that I would knowingly book the same month as my friend to get married- unless we both wanted that. Especially knowing that she had all the stress of a big wedding. It just seems so weird and unnecessary to me.