For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

[MumLife90]

My best friend and I have been besties since we were 5! Recently, she’s been acting strange with me and after asking what’s wrong, it’s come to light that she’s upset we’re getting married in the same month, 3 weeks apart.

She is having the big white wedding, me eloping with immediate family only and her, as to me, she is family (we also invited her husband to be and two sons, one of whom is my god son).

She explained that she’s upset we’ve planned it in the same month and said if it had to have been that month (which it did because of school holidays, other family commitments and financial benefits) then I should have asked her.

I didn’t ask her, because i genuinely didn’t see it as an issue. The reason being that they were two totally different weddings and with the exception of our wedding guests, no one else was going to know we were married until after the wedding so it wouldn’t detract from her day in anyway. Maybe I was selfish in this regard but had it been the other way, I really wouldn’t have had an issue.

Anyway, we then ended up telling people as she suggested doing so as people may be upset not that they weren’t invited, but because they weren’t told. It seems that it’s been after telling a specific group that she’s had these feelings again (but this is the first I’m hearing of it) and I can’t help but think they’ve stirred the pot and heightens emotions that were may be already there.

that’s by the by but I wanted to give as much detail as possible as I really want to understand if I have done something wrong. I hate that she feels like this and I would never intentionally try to hurt her or detract from her day in anyway.

i can’t help but wish we’d not told a single soul (including my best friend) and dealt with the negativity after the wedding instead of having the lead up tainted.

YABU for promoting a 15-guest wedding as an elopement.

That is a small wedding. We had an elopement in the sense that we went away for our wedding, had no wedding guests and the witnesses were our photographer and bagpiper. However we did tell our families about it so it wasn't an elopement in the traditional sense.

I can see why your friend might be annoyed as she might just want to decompress after her own wedding and she might have planned to go on her honeymoon but now she can't as she has to get in the mindset of going to your wedding instead. Also the fact she has to travel for it might add to her annoyance whereas if it was happening locally then she might not be as bothered.

Having said all that your weddings are 3 weeks apart so I think that tips the balance towards her BU and not you.

I agree with this, everyone saying the friend is a narc “she doesn’t own the month” and “she’s a bridezilla who wants all the attention” where as I can see it from the other side… you couldn’t give your best friend one occasion just for her? You're piggybacking straight off the back of it. Sounds like the friends wedding has been planned a long time in advance if it’s a big wedding. Why did you have to book it the same month?
Works both ways in my book.

Is she upset because she's realising that she can't go?
Annual leave for any wedding prep, maybe hen dos, her honeymoon and your trip abroad?
Maybe she's trying to make it work but slowly coming to the realisation that she can't make it work and is disappointed that she won't be there to see you get married/is missing out.

I can't really get my head around what her problem is. Really bizarre self absorbed behaviour.

And if your sister moved house and found it stressful then you moved the same month and invited her to a housewarming party wouldn't you think she was being silly if she was offended that you had the temerity to move house the same month and expect her to have to attend a party when she was still taking the weeks she needed to relax from the stress?

A house move is more stressful and it's ongoing. You have unpacking to do and finding things that are wrong and sorting the utilities etc. A wedding, however stressful you have chosen to make planning it, is done in the day. It's over, and nobody owns the time after it.

House moves and weddings are completely different as you are well aware. was only making the comparison that just because one person doesn't find something stressful or a big deal, it doesn't mean someone else won't.

As for 'she sounds insecure' Maybe she is - but wouldn't it be nice if her best friend throughout her entire life recognised that and gave her a bit of grace. I imagine that's what she's upset about.

The year I got married, 3 other couples we know got married in the summer holidays as we're all teachers. 1 of the weddings was actually another family wedding, which was abroad. Originally they'd wanted our wedding date. We negotiated with them and they agreed to do theirs the weekend after so that we'd be able to turn the trip into a honeymoon for us, and to allow the rest of the family who were attending both weddings to spend longer abroad if desired, rather than having to rush back for ours. The day we flew home from our honeymoon, we went straight to the evening do for another friend's wedding, then attended the fourth wedding a week later. It was very civilised and we all had a lovely wedding month!

As an aside, 4 of my other close friends got married that same year outside of the summer holidays, so we attended 8 weddings over a 7 month period. It was such a lovely year. We even did a huge "hag-do" (hen and stag) night out to celebrate before the first wedding.
Could you try to take the approach that it's so lovely you get to share a "wedding month" as best friends?

Is she taking a honeymoon with her family afterwards? If so it’s a bit of a bind to be going to a destination wedding so soon alter returning from that in terms of time off work etc. I’m a bit sensitive to this as my 2 week honeymoon turned into a 3 week honeymoon because our return flights were cancelled (anyone remember the Icelandic volcanic ash cloud?) and it killed my annual leave and bank balance. I didn’t take another holiday abroad for years after that.

It does sound a bit like other friends ‘stirring the pot’ a bit. I’d sit down with her and have an honest conversation and maybe try get to the root of what’s bothering her.

The point I’m making is just because you didn’t find planning a wedding stressful doesn’t mean it’s not stressful. Same for moving house, both events universally recognised as being stressful.
You don’t know the reason she is upset, she hasn’t said it’s because she thinks she will be stressed for 3 weeks after the wedding. Maybe it’s because it’s been sprung on her in the run up to her wedding and she’s getting all sorts of opinions on it and she could do without it. Maybe the OP wants to talk a lot about her own wedding (since she’s the only friend she’s told) and she doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with it at the moment so she’s just cooled off a little. The OP even admitted she pushed her to tell her why she’s been cool with her, maybe she didn’t plan to say anything and was just concentrating on getting her own wedding done before she could give her friend the excitement she wants. There’s two sides whether you can or can’t relate is irrelevant.

This,

there is a limit to the number of good weather weeks in the year (and school holidays if that’s relevant). OP is not upstaging her friend. Unless the friend doesn’t have the money or time off work to also travel to OPs wedding, I don’t see the issue

This post sums up to me all that is wrong about weddings.

Your friend does not have a wedding month. Both your weddings take a day. She is the unreasonable one.

You’ve done nothing wrong. She doesn’t “own” the month she’s getting married in. I could not get worked up about this tbh.

Also you aren’t eloping… you’re having a very small wedding.

She's being ridiculous. And entitled.

People need to stop looking for justifications as to why she might be upset/angry/unhappy that someone else is gasp getting married in the same month.

It doesn't matter who booked first.
It doesn't matter if hers is a big wedding and yours is small wedding. Or vv
It doesn't matter who is getting married first or second.

What matters is the people in your life should be happy for you! Thrilled that you're thrilled. And wish you the best.

As PP have said, and I don’t think @MumLife90 has actually responded to this point, maybe it’s the description of your smaller wedding as an ‘elopement’ when it’s patently NOT, that is at least partly driving her annoyance.

If this was a genuine elopement, she’d have no cause to be upset as she wouldn’t have a clue it was happening! A small wedding, especially one where you end up telling all and sundry in advance anyway, is not an elopement.

She probably is BU, but I somewhat sympathise with the idea of being frazzled from one’s own extravagant celebrations, then having to gird the loins for another non-elopement almost immediately afterwards.

I think if you know your friend, you’d know what would upset her. I think you’ve taken some of the excitement out of her big white wedding. It’s a huge event to plan, so your “elopement” may not be sitting well with her (that’s her problem, but still…)

Why on earth did you listen to her and told everyone when your initial plan was not to?! She doesn't get to dictate how you get married just because you both are getting married in the same month. It's like she knew how some people would react and just wanted to take the wind out of your sail. Is she always the jealous type? Nobody owns a month! It's ridiculous.

In your shoes, I wouldn't do anything to make amends because you have not done anything wrong. Let her come to her senses. If anything, she should apologise to you for messing up your wedding plans.

I think @WashableVelvet makes a lot of sense!

It's probably more complex than just the date.

It's a different situation but I had a friend once where I thought we were close friends. Looking back she was the sort of person who asked a lot of very personal questions & you sort of ended up sharing more than you mighy ordinarily. She fostered an atmosphere of closeness & i realised v starkly one day that it was largely one way traffic with her. She was v manipulative.

Through her mannerism of being very interested & engaged (remembering everything & asking lots of deeply personal questions) she knew a lot about my life. I felt we were best friends.

Then 2 things happened that opened my eyes where she made public announcements about significant life stuff & I found out the same time as general acquaintances. One was related to a success in work where she'd been awarded something & she'd never said a word. In fact she sent me a WhatsApp message the morning it was announced & she included an acquaintance she disliked in the same message. That stung.

And after that she sold her house & bought a new one without a whisper.

I felt utterly taken for a fool. It changed how I felt about her & our 'friendship' because I realised I'd been lulled into all the sharing & she was v comfortable keeping stuff to herself. My life was passing entertainment to her.

I pulled away from that friendship after that & she acted 'puzzled'

So i fully understand what @WashableVelvet is saying.

On a wedding related note, we're married a long time now but when we were at that stage where lots of us were all getting married we had peripheral friends who attended our best friends wedding, got drunk & made an announcement over the mic that they'd gotten engaged in the carpark!

We were getting married about 6 months later & they quizzed us about our plans & then nabbed a cancellation in the same venue 3 weeks before ours.

They invited us to the afters & when we arrived the bride rushed over to tell us all the things she was unhappy about with the venue -it was the weirdest flex ever like she knew better than us!

Our weddings were v v different so none of her complaints were even relevant to us. It still bemused me how they carried on. She was thrilled she got 'our' venue before us - but its a wedding venue- LOADS of people got there before us!!

Wedding bubble? Batshit....can nobody else do anything until the previous bride says they can? Honestly OP either she will come to her senses or there is nothing you can do about rescuing the friendship.
Regarding elopement weddings, they are now sold as a thing. Young friends of mine did it. The concept is a small wedding with everything included. All you and the guests do is turn up.

Why on earth did you listen to her and told everyone when your initial plan was not to?!

Yeah, I didn’t get that part either.

She doesn't have to go. Sorry but I will be on honeymoon is absolutely acceptable.

I missed this post earlier, but you have explained it far better than me. This is exactly how I would feel in this situation.

I wouldn’t have booked the same month especially if she has had hers planned for a long time. Your reasons are understandable but could you have waited until another school holiday. My best friend was getting married and I was mindful to let her do it first. But maybe it says more about the best friend and being wary of how they react. All you can do is let her come round. Maybe she feels like it will be a lot all at once.

I don't understand why people have to make someone else's occasion about them. She will have had her wedding 3 weeks before. Ridiculous like those people who have a birthday week.
You don't need her permission nor did you need to tell other friends before hand just because they might be upset not to know, so fucking what? t's your business. I'm actually a bit narked that she's spoilt it for you just because you didn't want a big drama filled wedding.

Neither did I