For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

[MumLife90]

My best friend and I have been besties since we were 5! Recently, she’s been acting strange with me and after asking what’s wrong, it’s come to light that she’s upset we’re getting married in the same month, 3 weeks apart.

She is having the big white wedding, me eloping with immediate family only and her, as to me, she is family (we also invited her husband to be and two sons, one of whom is my god son).

She explained that she’s upset we’ve planned it in the same month and said if it had to have been that month (which it did because of school holidays, other family commitments and financial benefits) then I should have asked her.

I didn’t ask her, because i genuinely didn’t see it as an issue. The reason being that they were two totally different weddings and with the exception of our wedding guests, no one else was going to know we were married until after the wedding so it wouldn’t detract from her day in anyway. Maybe I was selfish in this regard but had it been the other way, I really wouldn’t have had an issue.

Anyway, we then ended up telling people as she suggested doing so as people may be upset not that they weren’t invited, but because they weren’t told. It seems that it’s been after telling a specific group that she’s had these feelings again (but this is the first I’m hearing of it) and I can’t help but think they’ve stirred the pot and heightens emotions that were may be already there.

that’s by the by but I wanted to give as much detail as possible as I really want to understand if I have done something wrong. I hate that she feels like this and I would never intentionally try to hurt her or detract from her day in anyway.

i can’t help but wish we’d not told a single soul (including my best friend) and dealt with the negativity after the wedding instead of having the lead up tainted.

I personally wouldn’t have chosen the same month as my friend was getting married for my wedding day because I know how precious some people are about wedding days however we booked our wedding shortly after we got engaged and got married 4 months later, which happened to be 8 weeks or so before a close friends wedding who had spent 2 years planning her huge wedding(ours was a little wedding eg only close family hers was a huge 180 guest wedding) and she wasn’t happy that we were getting married before her and accused us of stealing her thunder by getting married before her. However it was ok for another close friend to get married 2 months after her wedding because it was after her big day.

we are still friends but not as close.

I don't understand all these posters saying she needs time after her own wedding to be thinking of someone else's. I was back at work a week after my wedding and would have loved to have something to look forward to. It sounds like the OP is paying for her friends and families to attend so a free holiday as well! I felt very flat after the excitement and lead up to my wedding. A trip and a celebration a few weeks later would be lovely. Your friend would have had a (small) point if it was a lot of the same guests being invited but this isn't the case here. YANBU OP

But why would you find it hurtful? I can't see anything in the OP's plans that are hurtful. Nothing at all.

I wouldn’t be thrilled with having to attend another wedding in the same month as mine, more because I might have something going on that day (or just need a day to sit down) or might have been hoping to be away if it’s after.

But I wouldn’t necessarily say anything about it, but if it’s just before, it does a little bit feel like you’re taking the wind out of her sails (and giving her more bloody wedding stuff to deal with). There are loads of dates, so I would have chosen a different one.

You can’t see anything hurtful but the OPs friend obviously does feel that way and I am trying to explain why that would be the case.

All the posters can say she is being a bridezilla, selfish etc but the OP either wants to preserve the friendship or not.

I agree. I think it's now used to mean a small wedding. A couple I know got married with no guests whatsoever only hotel staff as witnesses and they just called it their wedding.

Do you project onto other people a lot ? Because that’s certainly what you’re doing here.

Yes I am projecting. But OP is here asking for opinions to better understand why her friend might be upset about it and what to do about it.

Isn’t that what we all do on Mumsnet?

I think the question is whether or not OP wants to preserve the friendship, given that she is not the one jeopardising it by going full bridezilla and claiming a whole month for her own wedding !!

No. Projection is totally different.

The other wedding isn't about her though. She doesn't need to spend 3 weeks preparing for it. She needs to buy a frock and turn up.

I had a friend who had a small wedding, similar to OPs but not abroad. It was a beautiful wedding.

However I also told her I couldn’t keep it secret from our other friends who weren’t invited. I felt uncomfortable lying to them and thought they would be incredibly hurt that they didn’t know. She did tell everyone and it was all fine.

Have the wedding you want but there are aspects of small weddings that can be just as ‘look at me’ and performative as big ones.

calling it an elopement, wanting a big reveal afterwards and planning it a fortnigy after your best friend’s all tick those boxes.

I do think she is being quite silly. If you were planning your massive wedding a week before hers, with the same guests and perhaps an event over several days then I’d see her issue. As it is, it seems she is upset because your friend group might give a bit of attention to you. I’m sure most people are capable of being happy for more than one friend at a time.

That said, in your shoes I’d weigh up whether I wanted to be visibly right or friends. You are right, of course, but perhaps say sorry and grovel a bit for the sake of peace and harmony.

She doesn't own the month. She is being precious. They are two different events, planed differently according with the people who is getting married wishes and agenda. She wants to make the full month, season
, about her. Well that is not going to happen, someone is going to have something, births, graduations, milestone birthdays, wining the jackpot etc and that is only counting the good things.
Do not explain yourself to anyone, there is not need.
If they want an explanation of something that has nothing to do with them, that tells more about them that about you.

Aren’t most weddings in the summer anyway? (I don’t care enough to Google it.)

It’s very odd to essentially ask someone to change or push back the nature of their relationship: “No, you can’t sign this legal document in the same month I’m signing my legal document!”

Sounds like the OP can't do right for doing wrong! Surely upstaging the wedding would be having a bigger and better one, not a quiet ceremony with a handful of witnesses?

Quite.

And the way OP @MumLife90 has prioritised her friend and included her - well if someone did that to me I'd fell honoured, not pissed off.

I'd give a non-apology "I'm sorry you feel that way..." and get on, hoping she is just feeling a bit stressed about her big wedding and will come round later.

It seems a bit weird that out of all the months in all the years that you could have got married you've suddenly decided to pick this month in this year. Comes across as a bit like you want to 'keep up' with her. I would be a bit hmmm about it.

What's wrong with it being in the same month? Seems a bit of an arbitrary objection, she might as well object to it being in the same year.

Just because you can’t relate doesn’t mean she’s being weird or silly.
I dont find moving house stressful, my sister however is finding it incredibly stressful, I wouldn’t dismiss her feelings because I “can’t relate” I can recognise that moving house can be a stressful time, same as weddings can be.

It is a bit odd that after years of being together you and your partner HAVE to get married the same month as her, why not next year if this month is the only one out of 12 ye can ever get married in?
How much notice did she get that she will have to travel after her wedding, do they need to use up whatever left of their annual leave, are they going on honeymoon and have to leave again for your wedding v soon after getting home?
Yes she could just say she can't go, but of course she wants to attend her besties wedding, and she d be worried about upsetting you if she didn't go.
I don't think either of you have done anything wrong as such, but I can completely understand the emotion of ' WHY did they have to plan this for right on top of our wedding' life and arrangements would probably just be easier if it wasn't.
I would sit down and talk her through your reasons for why you have to get married this year and in that month, that she really doesn't have to come etc

No it doesn't. It really doesn't - unless you are insecure.

Sorry if anyone's already asked this, but could it be because it limits when she can go on her honeymoon? So she either has to get it in before yours or wait nearly a month?

Also will she need to book any more annual leave? It can be a bit stressful going back to work after a long break (wedding and honeymoon potentially) so maybe she doesn't want to immediately go off again.

In your situation now I would just bugger off and get married, just the two of you and a couple of witnesses. Why should she dictate when you get married??