For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

[MumLife90]

My best friend and I have been besties since we were 5! Recently, she’s been acting strange with me and after asking what’s wrong, it’s come to light that she’s upset we’re getting married in the same month, 3 weeks apart.

She is having the big white wedding, me eloping with immediate family only and her, as to me, she is family (we also invited her husband to be and two sons, one of whom is my god son).

She explained that she’s upset we’ve planned it in the same month and said if it had to have been that month (which it did because of school holidays, other family commitments and financial benefits) then I should have asked her.

I didn’t ask her, because i genuinely didn’t see it as an issue. The reason being that they were two totally different weddings and with the exception of our wedding guests, no one else was going to know we were married until after the wedding so it wouldn’t detract from her day in anyway. Maybe I was selfish in this regard but had it been the other way, I really wouldn’t have had an issue.

Anyway, we then ended up telling people as she suggested doing so as people may be upset not that they weren’t invited, but because they weren’t told. It seems that it’s been after telling a specific group that she’s had these feelings again (but this is the first I’m hearing of it) and I can’t help but think they’ve stirred the pot and heightens emotions that were may be already there.

that’s by the by but I wanted to give as much detail as possible as I really want to understand if I have done something wrong. I hate that she feels like this and I would never intentionally try to hurt her or detract from her day in anyway.

i can’t help but wish we’d not told a single soul (including my best friend) and dealt with the negativity after the wedding instead of having the lead up tainted.

Your friend is getting married, not saving the world from absolute annihilation. God some people don’t half get their knickers in a twist about weddings.

I think she’s being a bit crazy but then my views don’t correspond with the majority. For example, I think it’s fine to announce happy news at someone’s wedding-engagement, pregnancy etc as it’s a happy occasion when everyone’s together so why not? I’d be pleased for my friends not throw a big sulk because they had the temerity to get married-shock-in the same month! But weddings have got weirder and weirder. I can’t think of any other occasion where people spend thousands to get totally stressed, get upset because their brides,aid wore the wrong shoes and think it perfectly reasonable to ask their friends and family to shell out sometimes thousands to help them celebrate. And then to be worshipped for the day because ‘it’s all about them’. Ugh. What happened to genuinely wanting your loved ones to have a great time?

I’d be annoyed at this and I think you’ve been a bit shitty.

Yes she doesn’t get to own the month but given she is your best friend since childhood it’s an odd thing to do.

The fact that it’s a different wedding and you’re calling it an elopement doesn’t help. It smacks of “look how laid back and cool I am, being breezy about my wedding, isn’t she being silly making such a fuss about hers” I imagine she is feeling very judged by you

That might be unreasonable on her part but I bet that’s how she feels.

Mumsnet love to say noone should carr about weddings, baby names etc, and say people are petty and ridiculous, but people do care and want to be considered by the people around them.

Do you do this to her a lot?

It’s an elopement. There is nothing to prepare for as a guest

The fact that it’s a different wedding and you’re calling it an elopement doesn’t help. It smacks of “look how laid back and cool I am, being breezy about my wedding, isn’t she being silly making such a fuss about hers” I imagine she is feeling very judged by you
I didn't pick that vibe up at all!

That you came up with that whole mental creation says a lot about you. It never even occurred to me that all that judgement/look how cool I am thinking was even a thing

Agree with all this. I hope we are at peak bridezilla and sanity will resume in a few years.

I’m not saying that is the OP, but that might be how it is received, especially in the midst of wedding planning.

Why would you be annoyed?

I just don't get it. What exactly would be the problem?

No-one owns a month, and it is so narcissistic to get precious about it. In the grand scheme of things this is a very minor thing to get some worked up about.

The OP hadn't been shitty. I bet she wishes she had just kept it to family. A good friend would be happy for her.

However, I agree about the term elopement. It isn't an elopement if there are 15 guests.

Tell her it's cancelled and get married anyway.

Always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

What an insane take! 😂

Yes it does say a lot about me probably. I am anxious and overthink massively, and I think that is how I would feel.

I’m not saying she’s reasonable, but the OP asked for other perspectives to help her understand.

I’m not sure I would get stroppy but I wouldn’t like it. When it’s someone close, there’s usually a build up to the wedding and then a bit of a high for a couple of weeks afterwards. As the couple, you’re also still in your little bubble. I would be annoyed if someone who is supposed to be my best friend decides to burst all that and have the attention and focus on her too.

Yes it’s just a day, but really it’s more than just a day.

Also, as others have said, what you’re doing is not an elopement.

This might have already come up but I'd have serious doubts that her "tell our mutual friends beforehand - they will be hurt they didn't know" was in good faith. She plainly just wanted an excuse to vent about it to them! Lo and behold they are now all being unpleasant to you.

With that in mind I'm not sure how good a friend she is and how much more you can put into trying to smooth things over, beyond saying - I'm sorry - it wasn't my intention to hurt you or cause stress - we were just limited in our options for X reasons. How do we move beyond this?

All the best and try not to let it take away from your day, OP 💐

She is suffering from main character syndrome and being a pain in the arse. Why on earth should you put your plans on hold? She has already got kids, so her wedding is hardly a life changing event.

It would be very tempting to out bridezilla her and create a big drama about her ruining your wedding and your friendship. Why does she get to be the only victim? Probably wouldn’t be very wise though!

I agree.

There are some professionally offended posters on this thread. Life must be exhausting for them and for the people who have to tread on eggshells around them all the time.

I understand why she's a bit annoyed. You're having a destination wedding. Regardless of you paying for it, they still have to go away very soon after their wedding and honeymoon.

But if I were her, I would just have decided whether I wanted to go without involving anyone else.

You don’t need to ask her permission to get married a few weeks after her, ffs. (The only reason I might have sympathised is if she was going to be away on honeymoon and miss your wedding). She’s being v unreasonable, you’ve done nothing wrong.

@MumLife90 how far away is the wedding from where you live?

It’s not being professionally offended, it’s being hurt by the actions of someone else.

There are far more ‘professionally above all this’ people on Mumsnet who think they are too superior to trifle with such nonsense.

You can get married whenever you want but you have stolen her thunder maybe.

I wouldn't have done what you have personally.

I can't relate to this at all. I didn't find ot stressful or in the least something I needed weeks (weeks!) to recover from. I had a full bells and whistles church, hundred guests to a country house reception etc traditional wedding. It was fun and I enjoyed the week we had off after then went into a new job.

A friend's wedding the same month, even the next weekend would have been lovely.

OP's friend is being really weird and silly.

It does sound like that group of friends has stirred the pot but equally, she’s a grown woman who could have made her own mind up about it. I think she is being precious tbh, she gets one day not the whole bloody month. If you’d booked it for the 1st of the following month (which presumably can’t be that long after your actual wedding date) would it have made any difference?
I think you’re very sweet trying to save your friendship - but if I were in your shoes I just wouldn’t bring it up again and carry on as normal and let her have a little sulk over it. Hopefully she will see sense eventually. I’m sorry but she’s being a bit of a brat IMO.

She's overreacting but you are not eloping and could have chosen any other time for your small wedding. I wonder if you have form for stealing her thunder?

Are you the person who works for me and wanted permission to go part time for 6 months to plan your wedding? And was astounded when you asked me how stressful I'd found it expecting sympathy and got short shrift when I pointed out it was only as stressful as you choose to make it?

Anyone who finds thinking about packing a bag for a short trip 3 weeks after their own wedding in any way difficult, stressful or even slightly noteworthy really needs to chill out