For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

[MumLife90]

My best friend and I have been besties since we were 5! Recently, she’s been acting strange with me and after asking what’s wrong, it’s come to light that she’s upset we’re getting married in the same month, 3 weeks apart.

She is having the big white wedding, me eloping with immediate family only and her, as to me, she is family (we also invited her husband to be and two sons, one of whom is my god son).

She explained that she’s upset we’ve planned it in the same month and said if it had to have been that month (which it did because of school holidays, other family commitments and financial benefits) then I should have asked her.

I didn’t ask her, because i genuinely didn’t see it as an issue. The reason being that they were two totally different weddings and with the exception of our wedding guests, no one else was going to know we were married until after the wedding so it wouldn’t detract from her day in anyway. Maybe I was selfish in this regard but had it been the other way, I really wouldn’t have had an issue.

Anyway, we then ended up telling people as she suggested doing so as people may be upset not that they weren’t invited, but because they weren’t told. It seems that it’s been after telling a specific group that she’s had these feelings again (but this is the first I’m hearing of it) and I can’t help but think they’ve stirred the pot and heightens emotions that were may be already there.

that’s by the by but I wanted to give as much detail as possible as I really want to understand if I have done something wrong. I hate that she feels like this and I would never intentionally try to hurt her or detract from her day in anyway.

i can’t help but wish we’d not told a single soul (including my best friend) and dealt with the negativity after the wedding instead of having the lead up tainted.

Here is a glimpse into the head of your friend:

"Me me me me me me me, meeeeee, me me , me. Meeeeee, me me me & me , me again , meeeeee me me me

(breathes)

"Me!!!!! Me, me , meeeeee, meeeeee, me, me and me.

Me me me me , me ...."

What is it with people thinking the world revolves around them and they call the shots in others people's lives and/or finances for a whole month, season (or year in some cases!) simply because they're getting married. The world around her will revolve around her...for a day. Her wedding day. and possibly the night before and morning after. But beyond that, It's self centered and frankly really UGLY.

I wouldn't have liked this, if I were your friend, purely because of you getting married abroad.

If you're getting married before her, no I wouldn't have liked having to go away whilst in the lead up to mine, because of the time out when I had things to do.

If you're getting married after, what does that mean in terms of her honeymoon. Would I want to return from mine, then have to immediately get everything sorted so I could fly again for yours? No, I wouldn't.

You say you're paying, but it's still annual leave, and a lot for her to sort.

With even more respect, my ds got married a couple of years ago. His wedding was not dissimilar to ours except it was Town rather than Country. I wasn't stressed 34 years ago and neither was DIL. Around 100 guests.

My wedding was tremendously relaxed and there was no drama whatsoever. DS and SILs was the same.

Church wedding, music, flowers, frock, reception, menu, champagne, bridesmaid(s), table plan, loved ones and good friends, honeymoon

The DC's friends are getting married now. We have been invited to a couple of the weddings where their friends have spent lots of time with us since they were 5 and the DC have been BM and MoH. Very similar formula and lovely days with no drama.

Obviously, I know nothing of your life but it's a little rich to be quite so patronising but if course, I imagine you know everything at your age.

I think she’s being a bit controlling thinking she has a say in when you get married. It’s not like you booked the same weekend, and she doesn’t own the month (or year tbh - I can imagine she’d have been this way about any date she deemed too close).

That said, you have a decision to make. If she’s a friend you value and want to keep, then grab a bunch of flowers & go round to apologise & explain that you are sorry for not considering how important this would be to her. Stand firm that you’re not changing the date, but also reassure her you won’t be upstaging her day with conversations about your own.

If this is the latest in a long line of dramas and you’re done, leave her be.

I’m not suggesting apologising because I think you’re wrong, but we have to accept that intention doesn’t equal impact. Whilst you didn’t intend harm, apparently (although I think unreasonably so) it’s been caused. An olive branch will go a long way.

Granted I have never planned a wedding or been to that many but how much relaxation is required afterwards. Most people don’t even go on Honeymoon immediately after these days?

It is a bit of a strange choice to arrange your own wedding so close, especially if you're expecting people to have yo travel abroad. She'll have had holidays for her wedding and then very quickly need time off for yours, which could be tricky. I think I'd have left it longer in between.

Sounds like your best friend has stitched you up.

She made you tell everyone about your quiet elopement 😳

I would tell her that the elopement is cancelled and then quietly have the elopement with just your family.

If you’re a BM, make sure you don’t pay for anything for her wedding, not your dress or shoes.

.

Ironic given you were the one being patronising saying there was nothing to stress about 🙄😆

OP, I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time about this.

As others have said its not an elopement but I think you've used that word to illustartate that it's not an equally big do with the same level of commitment expense and expectation as hers? I don't think you've done it, as others have suggested, to make it sound 'edgy' or 'more exciting than it is'. Of course its exciting. Its your wedding, and she has no more right to get married in any particular month than you do.

You've said you organised it this way because of school holidays. Perfectly valid.

You only told other people it was happening because she encouraged you to and is now unhappy that people know.

RitaAndFrank's point about the planned order is valid. But, if your friend has organised her wedding for the last week in August, say, and you want to get married in the summer holidays, it's not left you much choice really if yours is first.

You've said a few times that her issue is with the weddings being in the same month. Would it have been less of an issue for her if they were 3 weeks apart but in different months do you think? Is this about her wanting August (or whatever month it is) to be her Wedding Month?

Ultimately, your wedding is as important to you as hers is to her. It doesn't matter whose was booked first or whose wedding is bigger. Nor how difficult it was to plan a big event.

15 years ago, I went to my brothers wedding and my then husband's best friend's wedding a week apart at the exact same venue. They were both beautiful events and the fact they were only a week apart and at the exact same place wasn't an issue.

Some people get so utterly ridiculous when it comes to weddings.

The friend could easily have chosen to see it as a lovely thing - that August (for arguments sake) could have become the month of weddings. Rather than her Wedding Month.
No one other than her and her immediate family is going to do anything other than turn up to two weddings in the same month. That's it. They won't really care unless they get caught up in the drama of it all.

And as for suggesting you should have asked her first... What would she have done? Vetoed your wedding plans? Would she have honestly said no, you can't get married in the same month as me? Or does she see it as a courtesy? Is the fact the wedding is in the same month less of an issue than the fact you didn't check it was ok with her first?

Did she check with you to see whether you were planning on getting imarried in that month before they started planning?

It's not an elopement, 15 people are coming 🤣

OP has explained that it has to be that month because of school holidays and other family commitments and financial benefits).
OP’s friend can always decline citing no annual leave.

That's a statement of fact - there is nothing to stress about. But, if you want to start with the passive ageism, then expect to get it batted back.

Yes, I understand that, I still find it a strange choice and I'm surprised there is no other time possible in the year for her to have her wedding. There are plenty of other school holidays etc.

I would ask your friend what does she actually want?

Because you acted in good faith and n9ne of this was designed to be hurtful and now she's said she hurt you feel awful. So what does she want?

Edit: I can see how you'd be excited and also mildly annoyed but shes laid it all out now so what does good look like to her?

It is in the sense that only the 15 invited people needed to know OP was getting married. The friend made her tell everyone.

I imagine it’s incredibly tough financially. You could have discussed it with her

You absolutely have doing nothing wrong. She’s behaving really badly. Sorry you have been made to feel awful about it all. Have a wonderful wedding day!

Why did you tell her?

I would have let her think all about her wedding and once that were over, I'd have surprised her with the elopement.
An elopement is far fewer than 17 people.

You could both have genuinely concentrated on her wedding.

If you needed her to save the date, you could have called it somethng else - a special return from honeymoon get together weekend.
It is not a crime; she is being unreasonable but you have over burdened her in a way.

Why do others also know as well?
A true elopement has the element of secrecy.

This is going to be one of those rare threads where people will be 50/50. At the end of the day if you value your friendship, just say you didn't realise it would be an issue and ask her if there's anything specific she's worried about that you can reassure her about. I'd also have a conversation rather than do it over text. It is a bit strange the thought didn't occur to you imo but obviously you meant no harm about it and if you're both good friends hopefully all will sort itself out. All the best for your wedding 😊

My sister lives thousands of miles away, we were limited to a particular month for my wedding and there is no way I wasn’t having my sister at my wedding.

My SIL got married two days before our wedding and we planned it for them! It was splendid having lots to celebrate. That was 40 years ago now. Things seem much more intense these days.

She'd have a tiny bit of a point if you were having a similar style wedding to her, with lots of the same people and if you were almost competing to upstage one another. But your wedding is not that, it couldn't be any more different. I don't know what her problem is other than being a bridezilla. You don't own a month, your wedding bubble, as someone described it, doesn't last 3 bloody weeks, you get married have a honey moon and back to reality. I'd be reconsidering what sort of friend she is.

But the friend's wedding isn't any more important than the OP's.

Why can't she plan her wedding in the month she wants/that works for her in just the same way as her friend did?

You're just being obtuse and now citing ageism, seriously give over. I'm not that young myself! 😜