Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

I can think of a few reasons why this gift could be appropriate, But unless an explanation is given, then it just sounds like blatant favouritism, and I can understand why you’re upset. Having said that, you and your children are not “entitled” to anyone else’s money, and as it’s your DHs family, his reaction needs to be up to him,

It was dh who phoned his parents every day. Dh who was with both parents 24/7 doing their nursing care when they died. He moved in with them when the could no longer care for themselves, got social services involved, engaged carers and nurses.

some people are so entrenched in the stereotype that it’s girls who remain close and care for elderly parents they actually can’t see the truth.

dh’s sister told everyone she was doing all the “caring”. Everyone believed her. The truth was she was abusive, so dh made sure she couldn’t. Again no one believed that of a daughter, so now dh is the bad guy for stepping in to make sure his parents were protected.

Are all the other DGC boys/men?

So you think the grandparents should talk to all their DC about what gifts they are giving? No. Nobody is entitled to a present. Nobody has to give the same amount to all their grandchildren, or friends, or children, or anybody. Any gift is a kind gesture and it's entitled to think you should have the same as someone else. Be grateful if someone gives you something because that's a kind and generous for them to do. They don't have to explain their reasons.

No.

however if they decide to gift one grandchild a house deposit, and another £20, then I do think they should explain their reasons.

because chances are that £20 will not be interpreted as a “kind gesture”, but more as a fuck off we never liked you anyway.

same as if your parents cut you out their will and left everything to your siblings. Should you think how nice my siblings got such a “kind gesture”?

I think siblings and wills are a bit different but I understand your point.

Wills in general then?

for example leaving large money gifts to two grandchildren, and not even mentioning the other three?

after those two grandchildren had already had house deposits, large contributions to uni etc.

would you not be angry if your kids had been completely omitted?

Yes, I probably would be. But I'd have to accept it and move on. There may be other reasons I'm not aware of and even if there aren't, it's their money to do what they want with. Life can be grossly unfair.

Totally agree . There is nothing that causes more family upset than treating people differently. It’s the same for wills . Gifting one more than the other leads to fall outs .

The annoying thing is they died and now we can’t ask them why.

they did discuss their will with us when they got it drawn up and stated they wanted everything divided equally. They told us they’d decided against leaving anything to the grandchildren directly as one sibling had more children so it would be unfair on the other one.

then they did what they did. so we assume it’s because for some reason they didn’t love our children, or think of them as family. Dh thought he had a close relationship with both of them and is at a loss s to why his dad wanted to cut him and his children out.

like always on these threads, it’s not about the money per se, it’s about what the money represents. If pil had left everything to the cats home, no problem. But to give such unequal bequests with no discussion does infer they actively disliked some grandchildren and would have been happy with only the two preferred grandchildren.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to name the gift/value is because I knew there’d be allegations that I was grabby and entitled and only interested in money.

it’s not the money. It’s the clear message that my DC are less worthy/loved than their cousin. Whilst deep down I’ve always known this to be the case this is irrefutable evidence and it’s hard to stomach on behalf of my DC.

I’m definitely going to pull back, but yeah I’ll stop short of giving them a piece of my mind. But I don’t buy that my DC should be grateful for being treated as second best.

Such a weird post. A gift is a gift (something given voluntarily).

The level of expectation and entitlement here is startling.

I don’t think you sound grabby or entitled at all, @PupPupPupAndAway! It is such obvious and blatant favouritism. Like you, I would feel sad for my dc if their grandparents had made it so clear how little they cared for them, compared to the favourite, or, if one of mine had been the favourite, I would have felt guilty, and awful for the other grandchildren.

Honestly yes this is annoying regardless of the values involved but I'd have to pretend not to be bothered because play this forward if you are cold/distant with them because of this and they tell the wider family why, there is no way you come out of this not looking grasping petty and grabby. It does sound that it's not your child versus all the others getting less it's that's one child gets more than all the others including your child.
Also cynically if the amounts mentioned are real you won't want to risk your child getting nothing at all on subsequent big birthdays by being seen as sulking about his gifts not being enough.
Id bite your tongue on this one.

Life is nearly always unfair. It's the exception rather than the rule.

Everyone has different life circumstances. Some may get better jobs, some may marry into money. Some may get a lottery win. Some may be able to have children and some not. Some will be fortunate and find a great life partner and others not. Some may have horrible accidents or health problems.

The sooner kids get used to this idea the better IMO.

I have had an issue in my life where I was treated differently (negatively) to relatives of an equal relationship status. I don't dwell on it. I understand what happened and have moved on from it. Spending your life being bitter is pointless. Treating everyone the same all the time can be hard. Because people are different and have different relationships and needs, and resources are limited.

At the end of the day I think you just have to be grateful for what you receive and not judge its worth on the back of what others get.

@Famallama - if someone gives one grandchild £40,000 and the others £2,000 - can’t you see that it shouts “This one is my favourite, and I barely give a stuff about all the others”? Ie - it’s not about the money, it’s about the blatant favouritism of one grandchild over all the others. Wouldn’t that bother you, if your kids were being so undervalued, compared to one of their cousins?

Yes, life can be unfair, @GasPanic - but unless there is a really good reason not to, shouldn’t grandparents do their best to be fair?

The whole issue for me is getting hung up on money, being undervalued, what even does that mean, perhaps there is a valid reason, but at end of the day it's their money to use how they see fit. OP attitude stinks of entitlement, wanting to tell the to f off..

Worth, you are putting a monetary value on their worth, sorry you are being entitled. I don't think it's great for the grandparents to treat them differently, but it's their money, their choice, same it's your choice what relationship you have with them.

I’m not the one putting a value on their worth, that’s what their GPs have done. They have literally decided one GC is more deserving/worth the receipt of 20x more than their other GC.

I just can’t imagine what went through their mind to think this would not be hurtful to their son and to their GC.

I don't think grandparents owe their grandchildren anything, and certainly I didn't expect anything from mine. Anything I did get was a bonus. People IMO have the right to use their money how they want.

The idea of a family swarming over what gifts they give out, watching what each other gets and judging their gifts on that basis and competing with each other and demanding "fairness", I don't think that is something I would want to get involved in, although I guess as a person I have always been quite family independent and self reliant. Maybe if that wasn't the case I might think differently.

It must be a bit exhausting if you are a grandparent with lots of descendants and they are all there competing trying to get their fair share. Not least because circumstances can change, you never know when a new grandchild is going to come along and how your life circumstances may change so you are worried about whether you will have enough money for your own needs in the future. So something at one point that was a generous gift for one person and a nice gesture turns into a massive snub for someone else.

Families eh ?

Is it in anyway connected to achievement rather than Birthday? Some families are very keen on this. Outstanding A level results/Oxbridge offer/ studying medicine were GPs are doctors/ Sporting prowess. Sorry to ask but I have seen this before.

Is the Nephew their Daughter’s Child. Daughter’s Children usually are favored

Have the kids been made aware of the gift yet? Did they say anything?

I completely agree that grandparents can leave what they wish.

however if they cut one child out a will, or only leave big monetary gifts to two out of five grandchildren, do you not think it sends a very clear message on their feelings?

yes more gc can come along, but that can be addressed by “£x to each of my grandchildren”, without specifically naming them.

dh was devastated to learn of his dad’s plan to leave everything to his sister. He thought they had a good relationship. Then when he did get a copy of the will and learned his children had been cut out years ago just drove the point home.