Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

Perhaps SIL organised the photo and the keyring? What has your DH done? I organised, when DC were little, all the "personalised" gifts - made categorically sure same to both families. Now I'm divorced - my family only! So if your DH doesn't bother with his family to do anything like that, and after all why should you have to (wifework), then perhaps your inlaws have nothing else to put on their keyrings/mugs/casters/teatowels etc.

Agree completely. It's also a likely way to strip her children of a relationship and future gifts.

Again echoing other PPS - the entitlement on this thread is really unpleasant. My mum talked to me a couple of years ago about her will and what she was leaving my DC. It's a lovely small amount that will pay for a decent holiday. 20 years ago might have been a small car or a small house deposit - no longer. So small but lovely. She was worrying about when they should get it (age reasons). I just said the thought was lovely but there was no expectation. The DC father and I made sure/would make sure that DC had what they needed/ and could ask for help. But no expectation and I think that is the problem here on this thread. No-one should expect anything from anyone else. So bequests/gifts etc are a bonus. It's actually very freeing to not be beholden to that. I do wonder what the other family members would say if confronted with this "unfair" comment.

Yes, maybe.

But then how do you explain barely saying hello to the children, while taking the others to the swimming pool? And other things, over and over again? One of my children recently said she doesn't even feel like he is her grandfather, and that she only has one, and she is certainly NOT talking about photos!!!! The man ignores them, whilst bestowing love, care and affection on his faves, and that's that, really!

Comparison is the thief of joy. It sounds like you have no idea about the rational the GPs had but you just see the money spent and kick off about it being unfair. Doesn’t make you look great.

No, she really doesn't.

"I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off."

Yeah, she does....

You have a right to feel how you do . However your anger is over the top and with wanting to tell them to fuck off or do one is quite frankly , so childish . It reeks of entitlement.

Couldn't agree with you more!

I’m going to go against the grain and say their generosity is their business. It sounds like all the grandkids get an expensive present.

How do you know this extra expensive present won’t be included in a will or something, maybe to make up for the generosity now.

Maybe gratitude is in order or just refuse presents from now on or to really take the moral high ground, pay them back instead of griping about it.

I wish my in laws had money and generosity like this to shower on their grandchild.

I don't see your argument here. In this case, not all the GC belong to a son (OP's DH) and his possibly "dutiful" sister. The offspring of 2 other siblings are also involved. (We don't know if these siblings are male or female, or how involved they are with the GPs.) Also, this particular sister's older DC did not benefit in the same way as the one who has just turned 18, so how can the GPs' actions be designed purely to thank the children of a "dutiful" daughter?

@PupPupPupAndAway it's a lesson that life isn't fair. leave it at that because you can't tell them not to play favourites, they didn't think about it after all.

Favouritism like this is so unfair.

My Auntie's (Uncle's wife so no blood relative) mother was called Nana by all of her GC and by us,regardless of not being actual GC. She gave us all the same gift at 21 (this was 50 years ago) - a beautiful luxury rug, which I still treasure. She was such a sweetheart.

Well OP I have a big mouth so I'd just ask in-laws why DC was given such an expensive gift compared to the others. See what they say.

Your business. No! Their money and choice, yes! Perhaps the favoured one did something that particularly caught their attention and is favoured because of it. You can't dictate what your husband's parents do or don't do. Just keep a mental note if your children have been adversely affected, and be conveniently busy/unable to help when your help is requested. Remember. Revenge is a dish best served cold, perhaps even years old!

Totally unfair and i’d be quite annoyed. Is your DH not going to say anything to them? It’s a lot of money for a start, assume they are wealthy enough that this won’t impact them financially. You’re not unreasonable to be outraged. My mum is very careful to be fair in terms of gifts for the GC.

It is the GPs choice.
I would not be cutting contact,. Your own children have been treated generously. Who takes account of the cost of other people's gifts anyway.
As long as your children have been given a gift and have been sincerely congratulated on their 21st, put it behind you.

Your SIL will be feeling embarrassed. It is she who your DH could speak to if he wanted to discuss the expensive gift.
He needs to tell her it's okay and that all the kids have enough to be healthy and successful.

Remind your children to count their blessings, to value their family and to work hard for themselves and for others.

I wouldn't say anything because it is not your money and none of your business what they do with it.
I understand your felling because it is obvious they did spend much more in her than in the others. But it is them and their choice.
In fact if I were the in laws and someone tell me something I would stop making gifts to them. Because although is not form them to tell me anything or call me out about what I do with my money and if I want to give it to someone in particular so be it.
Shitty? Yes, unfair? Looks like. For you to take action? Definitely no.

There are 6 grandchildren in my family.
I was my grandparents’ favorite, but only because I spent more time with them - by far.
And I made an effort with them - not one of the other grandchildren did.
To my grandparents’ credit, all our gifts were equal.
And I miss them. So very much. Not every child has the luxury of being raised by two different generations.

How do you know what all the presents cost? Is there another reason why one was worth more? Was it something the child really needed or did the parents contribute? If it was me, I'd be a bit annoyed and I'd wonder why but I wouldn't be fuming.

If there's no other reason for it except that DN is their favourite, well - it may be unfair but it's not illegal. You can't do anything to stop them having a favourite and kicking up a fuss about it won't help. Be grateful for the presents and don't focus on the difference.

Because they are deliberately sidelining her kids, not the money per se.

If ALL the kids got £20 for birthdays Op wouldn’t mind. Entitled and grabby is expecting more.

If course if one side of the family justifiably needs more financially that’s different. Just gifting one better presents than the others is mean.

Literally the exact opposite of this situation!

A conversation was had and your mum understood the impact of her money.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. If there’s no reason why DN is different it’s just favouritism. I wouldn’t bother addressing it - what do you want to achieve? They won’t change their minds, or give your children more.

I would let them know - somewhat subtly - that they are not the favourite grandparents and then see if that upsets them. Then when they raise it you can explain why

I see why you are p'd off