Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

I honestly don't see it that way. People's money (and time) is for them to spend as they choose, and any expectation from others is always going to lead to resentment.

In the example you give, at least the others are £2000 better off than they would have been. What would you suggest they do? Demand the other £38,000 difference?

Relationships vary between people, all of which has an impact on things like this.

I imagine the grandparents @PupPupPupAndAway refers to are aware of the expectation on her part and don't appreciate it, which may contribute to the value of their gifts.

It’s their money they can spend it how they want, nothing in life is fair. It’s a life lesson that they won’t always be the favourite and those that don’t deserve things will get them over those that do. You need to teach buying presents doesn’t equal love.
My dads mum bought me not my brother a present on his Birthday she didn’t like boys.

Of course it equates to love, it’s just plain nasty to treat children or grandchildren so differently! My mum would lose sleep over being £20 over with one of my children which she knows is daft but she would never treat them differently. My estranged cousin got the same as I got in the will even though I was much closer to my grandparents. Decent people who don’t want to cause resentment or division do their best to treat family the same unless there’s a really good reason not to

So money equals love? What a strange sentiment.

It was your mum's choice to spend the same on all grandchildren, just as it's the OP's PILs choice to spend as they see fit.

'Decent people'. Hmmm...

I do take your point about grandchildren ‘competing’ for their grandparents’ attention, @GasPanic - as a grandmother, I wouldn’t want to feel that my grandchildren were competing with each other to see who got given the most.

But, as a grandmother, I want to treat my grandchildren fairly - not because they have ‘won’ a competition, but because I feel it is the right thing to do.

I do see that different circumstances may make for different decisions - when our dses were at university, ds1 was in a more expensive city, as far as cost of accommodation was concerned, so when we were topping their loans with money from us, he did get more - but the aim was that, once accommodation was paid for, each one of them ended up with a similar amount of money for living expenses, fun etc - we felt that was equitable. Similarly, I have a close family member who has two heirs - me and their BIL - but he is disabled, and therefore is getting a larger share of the inheritance - this was explained to me, and I agreed with it completely - their need is greater.

But in this case, it doesn’t sound as if there is a specific and major need on the part of the grandchild who has been given so much more. It doesn’t sound look deeply unfair and unkind to me. I wouldn’t want one of my children to be treated so differently either.

And of course the grandparents have every right to give their money away exactly as they choose.

But I don’t think anyone can argue that, in the absence of any extenuating circumstances, it is fair to give one grandchild £38,000 more than all the others.

The OP has said that her PIL have always favoured this DN over their other DGC. This has only served to underline this again. She isn’t being grabby or entitled over the money, as far as I can see; she’s only angry over the favouritism. Which is understandable.

But it clearly is about the money because she mentions 'expensive' in her opening sentence.

And besides the money, there's no other mention of how the PILs 'favour' the other children.

How else could I have described the huge disparity in approach without referencing the value of the gifts?

Honestly I’d feel the same if was something hugely sentimental but worth pennies.

other ways they’ve shown favouritism over the years:

Inviting them on days out (panto, short holidays, Legoland, boat trips etc) which my DC don’t get.

Generally spending more time with them - lots of babysitting when they were young; attending their sports matches and assemblies (never done this for my DC)

Always taking their side against my DC if they’ve been bickering when young.

they talk incessantly about DN and his siblings achievements and how accomplished they are, although objectively it’s very equal.

their house is filled with photos of their other GC despite us regularly giving them framed photos to put up.

anyway that’s it I’m done - I know I’m not being a unreasonable, they’re shitty people and I’m taking a massive step back.

Perhaps you are the problem?? every post just demonstrates your bitterness and anger.

By caring about it, you're giving them power that they wouldn't otherwise have. All you should care about is making sure your children are treated equally by you, their parents. I'm sure you do treat them fairly, and since that's the only thing you can control you shouldn't be bothered about anyone else's behaviour.

Does the eldest look like their son?

Family dynamics are hard and there’s a good reason women worry about how it will go when their sons marry. Sometimes it works out fine but often it’s not easy and the grandparents feel like they’re second fiddle to the maternal grandparents or that the DIL is gatekeeping the kids. It does seem like they are closer to their daughter’s children. There’s not much you can do now that the kids are all 18.

I don't blame you. That sort of blatant favourtism of one grandchild or of the children of one adult child is divisive and toxic. Taking a step back and massively reducing contact sounds necessary to protect your children's feelings and their self-esteem.

But you didn't mention any of this in your original post.

Time, like money, is for them to decide how to spend. Maybe they just enjoy the company of the others more, which is up to them.

Describing them as 'shitty people' says a lot about your attitude.

And If you 'know you're not being unreasonable', why did you post in the first place?

That is horrible. I don't understand how anyone could behave like that towards their own grandchild! I would be upset by that but probably much less upset by cousins being treated differently

No, they are shitty people.

You don’t treat one set of grandchildren, who are innocent and who you are supposed to love dearly, like second class citizens while putting their cousins on a pedestal and treating them like royalty. It causes pain, heartbreak and self esteem issues. Be grateful you’ve never had to deal with the fall out.

I have 2 almost 3gc and I try and treat them fairly but I don't agonise about making sure their gifts are the same value. I get them what I think they may need/enjoy and if that means I spend £20 on gs and £30 on gd then sobeit. If it's glaring I might get the other a bigger present next time eg on their birthday.

Is that really what you think is going on here? And has it ever been mentioned that the grandchildren are upset by any of this? It sounds like it's drama created by OP to me, but there we go. You do you.

I’ve seen it happen with my own eyes to my own children fgs.

It is poor form to put one child above all the rest because it will upset the others.

i guess taken to the logical conclusion then, the idea is that if we are treated unfairly, we should just be quiet about it and move on.

If so, I think that is only good advice in some cases, and in others the absolute opposite of that.

If we all just took it and shut up at unfairness, the world would be a very different place, and I don't want to go back there. As a woman I'm glad that's not the case.

You surely can do something…

“DS was really upset about the difference so we will have no gift this year, just a get together.”

If any gifts show. Take it…in the bin. People, GDP aren’t allowed to mistreat their GDK just because…

I agree, they should be grateful for anything given. Climb down off your high horse and just be grateful.

Of course it's lovely that your mum is being so kind and thoughtful.

Would you feel the same if, while still alive, she were to give £10 to most of her grandchildren when they turned 18, but gave just one of them £2000 instead? Or might you be a bit taken aback by the disparity?

"nothing in life is fair". That is mostly used as an an excuse to act like a dick towards other people. It is not life that is unfair it is people who are unfair, and sometimes they need to be called out on it.