Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

Sounds very upsetting. Do you think you will say anything?

We have this in our family, Sil is favoured as is my niece, what has made me step back is her step children are rewarded better than mine, l do make a bit of noise especially when the step great grandchild (l didn’t even know it was a title) was given a gift at my daughters 8th birthday party that was more expensive than my daughters birthday gift, l don’t even know how the child came to be in my house as they weren’t invited.

Fil has just said he wants to gift some money to his grandchildren and when he mentioned the step children who are older with their own families ( this is where the great step grandad comes in) was to receive more than mine, l said please don’t gift mine if it’s going to be unfair. For context they didn’t come into our lives till they were 14/15 and have never had a great deal to do with us or Fil really. Due to this constantly happening l have stepped back, l don’t take him his shopping round anymore or nip in to keep him company, l done/did a lot more for him even though l work full time than his daughter dose,not that l was doing those things to get into his favour but l feel so disrespected/sorry for my children about the constant comparisons and obvious favoritisms. My sil isn’t happy with me, my dh said it’s up to me what l do with my spare time and has no problems with me taking a step back.

People suck!!!

How can anyone say this is fair? This behaviour breaks up families. It's happened in my own family with my in laws.
The blatant favoritism towards their youngest sons children was so obvious, my kids picked up on it early on.
My husband told them their behaviour was awful and we backed off, we have no regrets. My children will not be exposed to favoritism.
I would be open with them, it really does destroy families.

I really wouldn't fall out over this, it's their money and they can do what they want with it. Sometimes one of our adult children has a much bigger value gift / help from us or their grandparents and the adult siblings and their kids definitely get different value gifts from dh's father. We don't keep count, it's up to them. Perhaps on another occasion a different grandchild might receive something you perceive to be of a higher value.

Gosh this just sounds so entitled, it's your time to do as you see fit, it's his money to do the same.

I'm a grandmother and I totally get where you are coming from OP. I treat all my lovely grandchildren exactly the same when it comes to birthdays, Xmas etc.
I took my grandsons out last week and spent £100. My granddaughters live 300 miles away but when I see them next week they'll get exactly the same. I can't bear favouritism and the " it's their money to do with as they please" is total bollocks.

I disagree, I think they should be called up on it and asked to explain themselves. Much better than letting it fester and if they don’t have a good explanation then they deserve to feel uncomfortable. If you’re planning on stepping back due to it anyway OP then I don’t see what you have to lose by confronting the issue head on. You can be polite but direct, don’t need to go in blaming or assuming, just ask for an explanation about the unfairness in gifts.

Not something I would do, but all these comments about being unfair are just ridiculous, it's their money surely they can distribute how they wish, just entitlement and expectation.

If the others got lovely gifts then it shouldn't matter what the DN.

Fuming and wanting to tell them FO says more about you than them.

is it that you are a more financially secure family?

When did everything become about money, would rather spend quality time with my grandparents than worry about material gifts. I personally would gift different amounts, but I do believe that they should be able to distribute how they see fit, and may well be valid reasons, without the entitlement and outrage of the family.

My mum does this and lies to cover it up which really annoys me. I try to ignore it now but its hurtful on my kids behalf.
i know my ds asked to borrow some money temporarily, which he paid back- we just didn’t have it but dm did. I found out later that she had given one of my siblings children a similar amount about a year earlier. I only found out as sis let it slip when she had a few too many drinks (and then totally denied it when i asked her about it a few days later).
what gets me most annoyed is both mum & ds know its wrong as i know when its happened as they both lie about it.

If any of my family members did this I’d tell them to fuck off, blatant favouritism can destroy a child’s self worth. They know exactly what they are doing and it’s cruel.

My mum used to do the lies too. She’d take my sister’s children on multiple holidays and days out but never even took mine to the park. When I asked her about it, she denied it. Then she dragged the children into her lies. One day phoned my sister, but she was at work so my nephew answered, he was about 7at the time. I asked him what he’d been up to and he told me in great detail about the holiday he’d recently been on with my parents, right down to being seasick. All of a sudden I heard my niece, who’d have been about 14 shout “who are you talking to?” He said “Aunty Fairy” I heard a scuffle and the line went dead.

When I spoke to my mum about it, she said he was making up stories, which is bollocks. Then she said “I took you on holiday didn’t I?” Not the point and she could have hardly left me behind.

It’s really easy to say things don’t have to be fair when you haven’t been in these situations and you haven’t watched your children be hurt and wonder what they’re doing wrong.

But the grandparents have been on the planet long enough to know this sort of behaviour causes issues.
Why would you do something that you know will cause resentment and division in your family?

Oh come on 2k v 40k is huge. I can't think of any 'valid reason' for this massive difference.
And you ' personally would gift different amounts ' well that's up to you of course but still unfair on the kids who miss out.

My GPs bought my cousins each a brand new car, but not my sibling or me. I used to count the photos of us at their house, there were always fewest of me. I now count the photos of my kids at my DPs' house, though my parents do try much harder to be fair - they know I'm watching 😂

I think I just got used to being the least favourite grandchild.

YANBU, I have the same, in one instance I really don't mind. On the other, I really do.

I myself am not the favourite grandchild. My cousin is. However, she has an awful relationship with her own mother, and so was raised by my grandmother for years on and off, and really thinks of my grandmother as a parent. My grandma also thinks of her as a child (and she was only 37 when my cousin was born!). She has told me that my cousin will be getting a property in her will. I will be getting a few thousand, so around quarter of a million difference!!!!! I honestly don't mind this though, especially as my cousin has truly had a tough time with her own mum and it's very possible her own mother will leave her very little or nothing (as my cousin is clearly not her own mum's favourite).

On the other hand, my children are not the favourite on my DH's side. His sister's children are. My children are now around 10 years old and they mention it to me. I have mentioned it to my DH. He once spoke to his mum about it and apparently she denied it and cried. There is some truth in this I think. His dad is really the culprit and I think changes the way his wife is around my children. His dad is rude to me and ignores my children, while taking my SIL's children to the cinema, park, watches sporting activities, the works. I'm not around much so I don't see a lot that I think my children actually also miss. They will come to notice more and more. I used to be very upset. I am not now, though. Part of it is that I think my SIL has her own unique 'needs'. I think the parents are trying to placate her a lot, which means given more of everything, really. I also think they fear losing her, as in her going completely no contact on them. Etc etc, she can be a prickly character, I find it exhausting being around her myself. So many eggshells.... there is lots there. But basically I see that and think that favouritism is there for reasons I am fine being without. I am sad for my children but they are so incredibly loved by my own parents who show absolutely nought favouritism. As they get older and it is up to them to visit more, they will fade it out themselves, I believe. So, nothing for me to do but wait.

This.

Oh yes, photos in the house. It is as though my children don't exist! DH's dad even has my SIL children on his keyring!

My DS suffers from this too.

His DGP have provided huge amounts for the other DGC. Both sets of DGP have one other DGC both of whom are adults now whereas my DS only starts Reception on Sept.

The 2 other DGC have had unlimited free child care throughout their entire childhood, had holidays paid for, cars bought for them, funded through uni and house deposits paid. My DS hasn’t had so much as a pair of shoes from either set of DGP.

The reason given is always that DGP think they’ve already done their bit for DGC over the last 20 years and don’t want to go though it all again. They openly state they won’t even try and even things up as it’s too late for that.

The issue is that none of them expected DH and I to have a DC. We were both in our 40’s when he was born and I think it ruined their plans. They try and justify it by saying as we’re older parents we are financially more stable so shouldn’t need their help. DH dropped into conversation that we’ve just finished paying 50k to the nursery and their response was “I bet you’re glad that’s over”.

I’m not one for keeping score but the disparity is so stark it’s hard to ignore.

You can't dictate how others spend their money... this isn't even YOUR family so stay in your lane, its up to your DH and DS to have and express their own feelings not cater to yours.

Low contact is the answer plus it's also makes it easy to say no to demands.

That was a typo, I wouldn't treat my children or grand children in future differently, but that's my choice...

My mum helped one of my nephews out of financial situation, I didn't suddenly think she should give the equal amount to her other grandchildren, was just glad she was able to help.

Money seems to destroy so many families and I just don't get it, it's their money, obviously some reason they have treated one differently, it's the expectation from others I don't get.

@PupPupPupAndAway your parents give your nephew £500 per month?? for years????? bloody hell they are taking you for a mug!! no matter what age they are, I would be telling them this disparity is not appropriate. infact, if you are looking after their finances now, i would think of cancelling unnecessary standing orders like that!! or let them use that to pay for the help they require instead of you wasting your time!! your daughter has probably been aware of the difference in treatment all her life!!!