Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

Anyway having family lunch with the sil today, will see if anything is said.

It's not a case of you needing another way to show the discrepancy, it's the fact you felt the need to start the thread in the first place.

To me (and I think a fair few others), it reads as expecting the PILs to behave as you wish, rather than how they decide.

We clearly see things differently, and I'm in the minority in believing people have their own choice about how and where they spend their money.

Have a good weekend.

There are some strange opinions on this thread.

imagine granny lines all grandchildren up together (imagine yourself as one of GC or a parent or the granny depending on how you most relate)
Granny starts handing out £20notes, each GC very grateful and says thank you (as anyone would expect) but half way along the line, she stops & counts out £400 for one, no explanation, no reasoning, just £400 for that one. Then continues with £20 each for the rest. Would the ones with £20 still feel as grateful? Would they not be wondering what just happened? Why is there a chosen one?
It’s still not about the money really, because everyone would have been happy with £20, but visibly giving one so much more devalues the other gifts.

As a granny, could you do that? As a parent would you not question it? As a GC would you not be disappointed (or feel a bit awkward as the chosen one)

I totally understand how you feel @PupPupPupAndAway

This actually isn’t what happened though. Unless I'm wrong, the grandparents didn’t line everyone up and dramatically hand out unequal gifts in front of each other.

Instead, they gave birthday presents of different values, at different times, to different grandchildren.

There wasn’t a big show or any obvious favoritism on display. It was just a case of them choosing different gifts on different occasions.

We don't know how the grandchildren themselves feel about any of this.

exactly.

Honestly...it's up to the grandparents how spend their money.
I am amazed the OP feels so angry ..she's not affected, are her DC as angry I wonder?
For all she knows the nephew rings his GPs every week, writes letters, sends cards, etc .. generally more involved.
Maybe GPs just like him more...maybe God forbid he is nicer than the OPs DC ?
Whatever reason...it's just nothing to do with the OP

These weren’t random birthday gifts though.
They were monetary amounts to celebrate a signifiant birthday ie turning 18. It’s more noticeable because it celebrates adulthood as well as being a birthday. Of course people will notice large discrepancies.

The mind boggles that people actually think this behaviour is acceptable, to actively treat grandchildren differently. And the poster who is continually arguing, you are exhausting.

But it isn’t just the OP’s DC, it’s all the other grandkids, including the sibling of the favoured grandkid. It must make things rather awkward in that household.

Of course.
But this one grandchild got a gift massively disproportionate in value, not just a nicer present.
The other grandchildren aren’t just the Ops kids either.

I totally agree that no one should expect financial gifts from parents or grandparents. However it’s on parents or grandparents who chose to do it, to think about their actions.

Could have been agreed with the parents beforehand? In lieu of something else?

Surely the person who would be upset here is SIL as her own children were treated differently. If she’s not, then why?

I’ve asked you twice would you treat your children so differently?

This is totally divisive. I can only imagine what the inheritance will look like. Sadly money/blatant favouring can totally divide families irrevocably.

I don't have thousands of pounds to spend on gifts, no. And while I may not necessarily spend more on one family member than another, I still believe people have the right to spend their time and their money as they choose.

You, the OP and several others disagree and that's fine.

It isn’t what happened no, because the poster was using an analogy/comparison. But the analogy basically works as long as the unequal gifts are known about by those involved. If there is knowledge, and as far as I’ve understood the OP there is, then the GPs may as well have lined them all up as described.

I’m really struggling to see how you can say there’s no obvious favouritism on display when one child is singled out like this.

And I don't see how you can't understand that this isn't about the OP. It is the PILs choice where and how they spend their money.

I don't think people should have expectations or entitlement about receiving anything from others. You, the OP and several others clearly think otherwise.

I'm not sure why this discussion is still limping along. We clearly see the world very differently.

Eh? I don’t understand it isn’t about the OP? I haven’t said it is. I have literally no idea where you’re getting that from.

You’re also misrepresenting the difference between us. The takeaway from my posts on this thread should be really clear; that I’m sympathetic to OP’s sense of injustice on behalf of all the GCs who got the smaller gift and that I think the GPs have behaved shoddily at best. I think I’m expressing myself pretty clearly. Please don’t say that I think people should feel entitled to things from others when I just haven’t said that.

One of the reasons it’s ‘limping along’ is because of the sort of thing you’ve just posted, where it’s difficult to see what you’re on about, you don’t represent others’ positions fairly and you generally can’t see what’s obvious. It’s difficult for people to take a ‘let’s agree to differ’ sort of stance when you’re being like that.

Let me be really clear. I don’t think OP should, or does, feel entitled on behalf of her kids to get 40k each. I think she’s entitled to feel how she does about the unfairness, and that there is a moral angle to the decision. I also think she’s been unfairly treated by posters like you.

Good grief, this is exhausting! As I've said repeatedly, let's agree to differ. I'm certainly not alone in my views on this thread, and yet you keep quoting me as if I am.

Have a lovely evening.

So we had a pleasant albeit slightly awkward lunch with sil and her family.

It came up in conversation somewhat randomly and then she declared she wanted to clear air because she felt awkward.

she said was blindsided and had no idea that this was coming. She feels disappointed for her older DC and the cousins but doesn’t want to do/say anything.

her and her family are going on a trip with GPs in a couple of weeks so there was
some chat about trying to find out their thinking but my overall impression was she wasn’t too bothered.

meanwhile DH had declared to his parents that he’s too busy to help help clear their loft and basement when they’re back. This is so typical: sil gets a holiday, DH gets the grunt work. They are now furious.

urghhh

I hope he maintains them boundaries.

Dh should suggest they use some of their own money to employ an assistant to help with jobs going forward.. He resigns as the family dogsbody...

My sister (who lives in another country and had the same amount if contact with both kids) gives my son nice gifts. Last year for Xmas he got £80 plus a very nice pocket knife. My DD got a trinket tray worth about £5 and in a design more suitable for a ten year old (she was 19 at the time). She has done this before: given DS sports match tickets worth about £120, and my DD earrings Costing about £20 max. Or handmade a beautiful quilt for my son, with only the promise, coming up to ten years now, of something for my DD. I have no idea why. I even asked my other sister to ask her what she got my kids as I thought she must surely have something else for DD. I had sent her a pic of a wall hanging at a church my DD fell in love with. My sister and I discussed colours and everything. When the trinket tray arrived I assumed she was making the banner. But no nothing.
There’s nothing you can do about it but accept it. My DD has resigned herself that her aunt obviously favours her brother for some inexplicable reason.

Im not sure anyone disagrees people are entitled to spend their money how they please but doesn't make you not an arsehole if you spend £40k on one grandchild and 2k on the others as well as showing favouritism in other ways.

I dont actually understand how anyone can really think, on the face of what OP has described, that how the PIL have behaved is reasonable. I could never do that to my DC/GC nor would my parents or in laws.

Exactly this. I cant actually believe anyone would think this is ok!