Page 13 | Unfair Grandparent Gifts

Andbegin · 31/07/2025 06:35

Famallama · 30/07/2025 22:45

How am I winding her up? Simply by having a different opinion? That people should have free will of how they spend their time and money?

Here is what OP said when starting the thread:

'My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.'

The bold is my highlighting that ths is all about the value and her expectation that she/her family should receive something from someone else.

She's then gone on to say what 'shitty' people these grandparents are, which just emphasises her entitlement.

Show quote history

On the wind up because you are deliberately misinterpreting the Ops posts.
The Op has described the issue several times.

People do already have free will over time and money. The issue is how they use that power.

There was no “expectation” as the Ops kids got their money already.

How can you justify favouritism? It’s illegal in most formal settings and considered poor practise generally.

ohnotthisagain2025 · 31/07/2025 07:19

Andbegin · 31/07/2025 06:35

On the wind up because you are deliberately misinterpreting the Ops posts.
The Op has described the issue several times.

People do already have free will over time and money. The issue is how they use that power.

There was no “expectation” as the Ops kids got their money already.

How can you justify favouritism? It’s illegal in most formal settings and considered poor practise generally.

Show quote history

Illegal in most professional settings?! 😅😂😅 This is absolutely hilarious, surely you realise that is completely and utterly irrelevant here.

Favouritism means "unfair preferential treatment". Who are YOU or the OP to decide what is fair or unfair about other people's money and how they choose to spend it?

Justify it?! The justification is that they feel like it. That's all that's required. It's their money and they get to feel any way they want and spend it as they choose. It might not be very nice from other people's perspective, and other people get ot choose to stay away from them.

And so the OP has chosen to allow people who she says are shitty grandparents that have given her kids self esteem issues access to her children for years and years and years. The grandparents are, according to the OP, just behaving as they always have. And now the OP is upset because she thinks they should behave as she wants them to, suddenly after many years of them doing the very same thing.

They're not going to. They showed who they were years ago and the OP knew precisely who they were. It's always better to accept reality, it just saves time and hassle. She's just upset now because the monetary reward is far higher this time and she wants her OTHER kids to have the same amount of money spent on them. She's put up with what she says are horrible grandparents for this long, and now all of a sudden the financial stakes are higher and she's upset.

People's choice of who they like and how they spend their money is not policed by you, or the OP, or anybody else in the real world.

The OP knew who they were. According to the her, they showed who they were years ago, so becoming enraged about it all now is many years too late. She should have removed the kids from their shitty grandparents when they first showed they were shitty grandparents, but chose not to.

Bottom line, the kids all get financial gain from their grandparents, but the grandparents get to choose how much they spend, and the OP made the choice to tolerate their favouritism many years ago. So that's that.

JMSA · 31/07/2025 08:01

Just leave it. It’s none of your bloody business.

Famallama · 31/07/2025 08:15

PupPupPupAndAway · 31/07/2025 00:33

If you’re not on the wind up I can only assume you’re not very good at reading.

I’ve already explained why I referred to the gift as expensive - I’d love your thoughts on how I could have adequately communicated the huge disparity in approach without referencing the value?

they are shitty people. They treat my DC at best as less than, at worst as an inconvenience. I have spent their whole lives reassuring them that they’re loved and cared about by the GC despite the vast amounts of evidence that this is not true.

I’ve done this because I love my DC and regardless of their GPs behaviour I didn’t want to damage their self esteem - no child deserves to be treated poorly by family - and I wanted to ensure that they had a positive relationship and their GPs.

I’ve made an effort to facilitate their relationship and repeatedly had it thrown back in my/my DCs face although of course there are high expectations on us to provide support at the drop of a hat now they’re getting older.

I firmly believe my DC should be treated the same as other GC. If you’re happy to accept second best for your DC I pity them.

Show quote history

I've just reread your posts and haven't missed anything.

You have a rigid expectation of how much money and time your PILs should spend on/with your kids.

They're not meeting that expectation.

As others have said, you don't get to dictate how other people behave or live their lives.

At no point have you mentioned how the kids feel in this. It's all been about you.

Hopingtobeaparent · 31/07/2025 08:38

lizzyBennet08 · 30/07/2025 13:12

Honestly yes this is annoying regardless of the values involved but I'd have to pretend not to be bothered because play this forward if you are cold/distant with them because of this and they tell the wider family why, there is no way you come out of this not looking grasping petty and grabby. It does sound that it's not your child versus all the others getting less it's that's one child gets more than all the others including your child.
Also cynically if the amounts mentioned are real you won't want to risk your child getting nothing at all on subsequent big birthdays by being seen as sulking about his gifts not being enough.
Id bite your tongue on this one.

Good point. It’d likely snowball from here, if you pulled back. That’s your choice though, OP. It’s m guessing there’s already bad vibes amongst family dynamics for this to hurt so much?

Are the gifts for the others thought out and aimed at their interests by any chance? As adults we tend to equate monetary value as fairness, whereas children just see the gift. Johnny may be perfectly happy with his magazine while Susan is happy with the doll, that sort of thing. When younger anyway, when older they probably have sussed it out and it seems like yours have.

Hopingtobeaparent · 31/07/2025 09:09

Might be time to stop protecting your children and to teach them that people are different, dynamics land differently, that life isn’t fair and it’s a them (dgp’s) problem not a them (dc) problem.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/07/2025 09:18

Famallama · 30/07/2025 20:55

This whole thing reeks of entitlement, resentment and expectation. Rather than be grateful for what your family is getting, you're focused on what you believe you should get.

Maybe next year the grandparents will realise the error of their ways and use the money to treat themselves.

You sound very bitter and unpleasant.

Show quote history

You sound pretty unpleasant yourself.

Decent grandparents don't have obvious favourites, particularly to the extent that OP has described.

As OP will be pulling back from these grandparents, I doubt she will care if they spend all their money on themselves. It is more likely that they will spend all their money on themselves and the 'golden' grandchild.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/07/2025 09:26

PupPupPupAndAway · 31/07/2025 00:33

If you’re not on the wind up I can only assume you’re not very good at reading.

I’ve already explained why I referred to the gift as expensive - I’d love your thoughts on how I could have adequately communicated the huge disparity in approach without referencing the value?

they are shitty people. They treat my DC at best as less than, at worst as an inconvenience. I have spent their whole lives reassuring them that they’re loved and cared about by the GC despite the vast amounts of evidence that this is not true.

I’ve done this because I love my DC and regardless of their GPs behaviour I didn’t want to damage their self esteem - no child deserves to be treated poorly by family - and I wanted to ensure that they had a positive relationship and their GPs.

I’ve made an effort to facilitate their relationship and repeatedly had it thrown back in my/my DCs face although of course there are high expectations on us to provide support at the drop of a hat now they’re getting older.

I firmly believe my DC should be treated the same as other GC. If you’re happy to accept second best for your DC I pity them.

Show quote history

I assume that their expectations that you will provide support at the drop of a hat won't be met? They sound like entitled cheeky fuckers to me. Let the golden child and the golden grandchild do this.

The disparity in the 18th birthday gifts is obviously just the tip of the iceburg and you are doing the right thing by pulling back from them to protect your children.

Eventmrs · 31/07/2025 09:34

Hopefully it has now set the precedent for all future 18th birthdays.

GasPanic · 31/07/2025 09:52

ohnotthisagain2025 · 31/07/2025 02:50

So you've allowed these people to remain in your children's lives for years and years, despite knowing they are shitty people who treat them shittily.

"They treat my DC at best as less than, at worst as an inconvenience. I have spent their whole lives reassuring them that they’re loved and cared about by the GC despite the vast amounts of evidence that this is not true."

So you've been gaslighting your kids for years and years because, presumably, you were hoping it would pay off financially and now you're enraged because it only paid off for one of them? Or what?

Parents protect their children from EVERYONE and that includes grandparents. You did not have to "facilitate" anything with people who treat your children shittily.

And now you are upset because they have continued to behave precisely as they always have done.

The person you should be angry with is yourself.

Show quote history

It does seem a bit weird how the kids have been treated second class for years but it only seems to have become a major issue now when the big cheques come out.

But apparently this sort of stuff isn't all about the money.

Famallama · 31/07/2025 09:55

thepariscrimefiles · 31/07/2025 09:18

You sound pretty unpleasant yourself.

Decent grandparents don't have obvious favourites, particularly to the extent that OP has described.

As OP will be pulling back from these grandparents, I doubt she will care if they spend all their money on themselves. It is more likely that they will spend all their money on themselves and the 'golden' grandchild.

Show quote history

Yes, I'm deeply unpleasant and an awful person. You got me.

There seem to be two schools of thought on this situation.

The first, which seems to be the OP's view, is that grandparents/other family members should spend their time and money as the parents expect/dictate. Not towing the line leads to cutting contact because, obviously, the parents way is the only way. The 'decent" way.

The second, which I and others here seem to share, is that we're not able to control others in this way. Either graciously accept what they offer and/or give or don't.

But don't make a huge song and dance about it either way.

LarkspurLane · 31/07/2025 10:30

Famallama · 31/07/2025 09:55

Yes, I'm deeply unpleasant and an awful person. You got me.

There seem to be two schools of thought on this situation.

The first, which seems to be the OP's view, is that grandparents/other family members should spend their time and money as the parents expect/dictate. Not towing the line leads to cutting contact because, obviously, the parents way is the only way. The 'decent" way.

The second, which I and others here seem to share, is that we're not able to control others in this way. Either graciously accept what they offer and/or give or don't.

But don't make a huge song and dance about it either way.

Show quote history

And the third school of thought, that grandparents should spend their money fairly on all their grandchildren, certainly up to the age of 18. Nothing to do with what parents (of said grandchildren) themselves think.

Famallama · 31/07/2025 11:36

LarkspurLane · 31/07/2025 10:30

And the third school of thought, that grandparents should spend their money fairly on all their grandchildren, certainly up to the age of 18. Nothing to do with what parents (of said grandchildren) themselves think.

Show quote history

That's the same school of thought as the first - expectation.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/07/2025 11:43

I can’t imagine treating one of my grandchildren SO differently to all the others, @Famallama - for me, it’s not about what they might expect from me, it’s what I expect from myself. I expect to treat them all fairly and equitably - unless there was some special circumstance or need.

Even if you take the monetary gifts out of the situation entirely, it sounds as if @PupPupPupAndAway’s children, and most of the other cousins are treated like third class citizens, compared to the one golden grandchild, who is lavished with so much more attention, time etc. It sounds so blatantly unfair to me, that I can’t see it is defensible in any way.

eastegg · 31/07/2025 13:05

Ilovelifeverymuch · 29/07/2025 22:18

Whilst I understand there will be some differences due to getting them different gifts we're not talking about a £2k v £40k difference, common.

And your argument is that it will cost them £360k to give the same £40k to all 9 so it makes sense to give one GC £40k and the rest £2k???? That's the sensible solution you came up with?

Not give them all gifts roughly about £2k or divide how much they can afford by 9, nah your optimal solution is give one £40k and the rest £2k because to give them all £40k will be unaffordable?

Show quote history

I know. It’s the usual bending over backwards on AIBU in order to disagree with the OP at all costs. You see it all the time. It’s laughable really.

Famallama · 31/07/2025 13:17

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/07/2025 11:43

I can’t imagine treating one of my grandchildren SO differently to all the others, @Famallama - for me, it’s not about what they might expect from me, it’s what I expect from myself. I expect to treat them all fairly and equitably - unless there was some special circumstance or need.

Even if you take the monetary gifts out of the situation entirely, it sounds as if @PupPupPupAndAway’s children, and most of the other cousins are treated like third class citizens, compared to the one golden grandchild, who is lavished with so much more attention, time etc. It sounds so blatantly unfair to me, that I can’t see it is defensible in any way.

I'm taking most of what the OP has said with a pinch of salt. I imagine there's a lot of family history we haven't been told because it doesn't fit her story.

Andbegin · 31/07/2025 13:29

Famallama · 31/07/2025 11:36

That's the same school of thought as the first - expectation.

Show quote history

Expectations of behaviour is not unreasonable. Everyone has behaviour expectations from school to work to family.

That is what people are discussing. The money is just the vehicle by which they are showing their behaviour.

Grammarninja · 31/07/2025 13:36

My parents clearly have favourites when it comes to grandchildren. My daughter definitely isn't one of them. It really doesn't bother me at all. I know that I have preferences when it comes to my nieces and nephews so totally get that when you have children in the family that are not directly yours, there's room for favourites. Funnily enough, my favourite nieces and nephews seem to be my parents' also. They're just lovely kids.
Having said that, the only reason my parents would give one of them a much bigger present is if the grandchild was at a monetary disadvantage to others or if one shared an interest in something that others didn't ie one loves the piano so my dad gifts him a £50,000 piano because he also loves the piano. If he didn't love playing piano (a shared interest) he wouldn't be getting such a valuable gift iyswim.
Could there be something like that going on?

Original poster

PupPupPupAndAway · 31/07/2025 13:41

I absolutely have an expectation in terms of equal treatment - it’s interesting that so many posters seem happy to accept that’s a reasonable position when it comes to time spent and displays of affection but when there’s an overt financial disparity in somehow, grabby, bitter, entitled and unpleasant.

I have tried my best to build and preserve a relationship between my DC and their GPs because I believe in family and I thought it was important. I’ve never sought a “financial payoff” from them. I neither want nor need it.

Apart from the favouritism, my pils involvement with them has been somewhat mundane. I accepted many years ago that they didn’t really want to be involved in the DCs lives apart from when it suited them.

OP posts:

LarkspurLane · 31/07/2025 14:03

Famallama · 31/07/2025 11:36

That's the same school of thought as the first - expectation.

Show quote history

Working towards fairness makes for a nicer world. Expectations are only unreasonable if they specifically favour the person who sets them.

jbm16 · 31/07/2025 14:21

PupPupPupAndAway · 31/07/2025 13:41

I absolutely have an expectation in terms of equal treatment - it’s interesting that so many posters seem happy to accept that’s a reasonable position when it comes to time spent and displays of affection but when there’s an overt financial disparity in somehow, grabby, bitter, entitled and unpleasant.

I have tried my best to build and preserve a relationship between my DC and their GPs because I believe in family and I thought it was important. I’ve never sought a “financial payoff” from them. I neither want nor need it.

Apart from the favouritism, my pils involvement with them has been somewhat mundane. I accepted many years ago that they didn’t really want to be involved in the DCs lives apart from when it suited them.

Problem is that is how you have come across from since the original post, especially when considering to tell the to F off...

It's not great, but life is too short to worry about minor things like this, best to accept that is how it's going to be and get on with your life rather than being bitter and twisted as you sound.

Famallama · 31/07/2025 15:39

PupPupPupAndAway · 31/07/2025 13:41

I absolutely have an expectation in terms of equal treatment - it’s interesting that so many posters seem happy to accept that’s a reasonable position when it comes to time spent and displays of affection but when there’s an overt financial disparity in somehow, grabby, bitter, entitled and unpleasant.

I have tried my best to build and preserve a relationship between my DC and their GPs because I believe in family and I thought it was important. I’ve never sought a “financial payoff” from them. I neither want nor need it.

Apart from the favouritism, my pils involvement with them has been somewhat mundane. I accepted many years ago that they didn’t really want to be involved in the DCs lives apart from when it suited them.

Expectation of any kind is never good, because it rarely gets met.

Sounds like your PILs will never get it right in your eyes, but I can't help feeling you're part of the problem.

LizzieW1969 · 31/07/2025 15:50

Famallama · 31/07/2025 15:39

Expectation of any kind is never good, because it rarely gets met.

Sounds like your PILs will never get it right in your eyes, but I can't help feeling you're part of the problem.

Show quote history

I thought you were taking it all with a ‘pinch of salt’? You’re extraordinarily invested in something you’re not taking seriously, aren’t you?

Why are you so determined to paint the OP in the worst possible light? You’re really not coming across well yourself.

Famallama · 31/07/2025 16:16

LizzieW1969 · 31/07/2025 15:50

I thought you were taking it all with a ‘pinch of salt’? You’re extraordinarily invested in something you’re not taking seriously, aren’t you?

Why are you so determined to paint the OP in the worst possible light? You’re really not coming across well yourself.

Show quote history

If posting a couple of sentences in reply is taking things seriously, sure.

I don't think I'm doing anything of the sort. OP has done that herself.

eastegg · 31/07/2025 16:16

Famallama · 31/07/2025 15:39

Expectation of any kind is never good, because it rarely gets met.

Sounds like your PILs will never get it right in your eyes, but I can't help feeling you're part of the problem.

Show quote history

I can’t help feeling
I imagine
Taking it all with a pinch of salt

I’m not sure what the point is of sticking around if you’re going to make up your mind about things based on feelings and imaginings of things OP hasn’t told us.