Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

Your DH needs to bring this up with his parents if it’s such a huge disparity. I’m sure his sister’s family must be having similar discussions in their house unless DN’s already turned 18 sibling is incredibly understanding. It doesn’t have to cause a fall out with DH and his sister, it’s not her doing.
i think it needs brought out in the open so resentment between the whole family isn’t left to fester, which would be a shame if you’re generally all close.

One of my grandparents was like this. My cousins and I were all laughing about it when I saw them recently. Your children will have realised so there’s no point lying to them.

In our case it was, “Yes so and so is her favourite because he’s the boy, he’s a cheeky Jack the Lad and he reminds her of her brothers.” So it goes.

I think better to be honest and say something like, “Yes, sadly some grandparents have blatant favourites. It’s disappointing.”

I’d be more annoyed at my wet lettuce of a husband who is too scared to say anything

My son is his Grandads favourite and my dad favours him. However, my son has always spent significantly more time with his Grandad than the other grand children ever have or wanted to. I understand how my dad treats him differently. Similarly, adult children living with parents all their lives and being left the family home.

This whole thing reeks of entitlement, resentment and expectation. Rather than be grateful for what your family is getting, you're focused on what you believe you should get.

Maybe next year the grandparents will realise the error of their ways and use the money to treat themselves.

You sound very bitter and unpleasant.

Of course there's something u can do. U can tell them to stick the gift up their a... I dont understand anyone that will let their kids be treated differently and I only have 1.

YANBU, having experienced his on lesser scale it is really upsetting. If it were me I'd encourage DH to say something along the lines of - just wanted to make you aware that your decision to gift X £40k and other GC £2k makes it look like X is your favourite and the other GC are not. It's your money and your decision, but I thought you should know that there's a risk that this will negatively affect your relationship with other GC.

Then see what they say. When they say- most likely- oh don't be silly it's just because we thought X would love this blah blah blah, and brush it off, DH can just reiterate that it's their decision but he wants them to be aware of the impact of that decision. Then move the conversation on, so it doesn't cause a big drama. In the unlikely event they do some reflection and change their approach, happy days. But personally I couldn't just ignore it as IMO it wouldn't be fair to my DC. I would definitely also take a big step back and support your DC in doing the same, if they so wish.

You’ve had a hard time on this thread OP - and I can only assume it’s because those posters have not been in the same position. I’ve lived it. It’s fucking awful. It doesn’t get any better the older they get, as you already know. We’re pretty much nc now. It’s fucking, fucking awful.

DH’s parent were the same - like you say constantly talking about DN, what he’s doing etc and it got really dull.

Photos of him, mine didn’t get a look on, he was doted on.

I have up, stopped going, stopped inviting them - I haven’t spoken to them for 15 years. No regrets.

That would be a lot fairer, spend the money on themselves and not buy anything for grandchildren. Certainly better than an unfair distribution of gifts.
It's hurtful when your own children, through no fault of their own, are less favoured.
If you are thinking of favouring one child or one grandchild over the others, be aware that it can break families.

@Famallama
Seriously are you just here to wind the Op up?
She’s never once mentioned what she ( or rather the other children ) should get.
She said numerous times the value is less important than the parity Which is both fair and sensible.

My mum has 3 grandchildren one is 17 and the other 2 in their 20s. When they reached 18 they all got £500. 1 grandchild had a daughter. My mum has put £5000 in an account for her. My mum has always spent the same amount on each grandchild, even my sister and I when we were kids, we all got the same.

£5000 not £500

You missed the ‘EX’ PILs. I had no say. I was already separated from their son and didn’t have any contact with them. The computer was at his Dad’s house.

Sorry but at least your son got something off grandparents my kids have not had one single present of there grandparents for 20 years. And my youngest daughter as not had one present in the 10 years she as been here so be grateful he got something

This isn’t about you. This is about OPs family and favouritism.

How am I winding her up? Simply by having a different opinion? That people should have free will of how they spend their time and money?

Here is what OP said when starting the thread:

'My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.'

The bold is my highlighting that ths is all about the value and her expectation that she/her family should receive something from someone else.

She's then gone on to say what 'shitty' people these grandparents are, which just emphasises her entitlement.

So you'll pull back on generous grandparents who give gifts to your kids because you want to dictate exactly how they spend the money? I mean, sure, only your kids will miss out, but you do you.

And "stop short" of giving them a piece of your mind over your feelings about how they should spend their money - awfully generous of you I'm sure 😆

You've made a small thing into a huge drama in your own head and seem quite determined to cause a famly rift over it, and the only people who will suffer for it are your kids.

Yes but some GP when given the same access to all children, still favour others, leaving some grand children out and hurting their feelings. It’s not just life, it’s cruel.

Well, it is just life though. Lots of life seems unfair. The kids may not even have cared, it sounds very much like an OP issue, she has not in her many updates said a thing about how her kids feel - it's all her. In her initial post she said she wanted to tell them to Fuck Off for giving her kid an expensive gift, presumably thereby depriving her child of the gift. This is not a balanced, reasonable reaction and I am glad she chose not to deprive her child of the gift.

The way to handle this would have been to simply watch her kids' reactions, then if necessary have a chat about it, not go off on an entitled rant about how other people spend their own money. I can only imagine what has been said to the kids, which will obviously colour their feelings and interactions with their grandparents.

And all because their grandparents chose to be generous and spend their own money as they chose. She seems upset they don't spend MORE on her other children, which is simply not reasonable. The kids all get gifts, and complaining will just put a stop to that, not make them spend more money on the others.

PIL?
DN? Niece?

What are the parent’s financial position? Is it better than yours?

If you’re not on the wind up I can only assume you’re not very good at reading.

I’ve already explained why I referred to the gift as expensive - I’d love your thoughts on how I could have adequately communicated the huge disparity in approach without referencing the value?

they are shitty people. They treat my DC at best as less than, at worst as an inconvenience. I have spent their whole lives reassuring them that they’re loved and cared about by the GC despite the vast amounts of evidence that this is not true.

I’ve done this because I love my DC and regardless of their GPs behaviour I didn’t want to damage their self esteem - no child deserves to be treated poorly by family - and I wanted to ensure that they had a positive relationship and their GPs.

I’ve made an effort to facilitate their relationship and repeatedly had it thrown back in my/my DCs face although of course there are high expectations on us to provide support at the drop of a hat now they’re getting older.

I firmly believe my DC should be treated the same as other GC. If you’re happy to accept second best for your DC I pity them.

If I were you, I would say something. Breathe, take time, but ultimately say something. Relationships can be improved by tackling things head on, despite people saying on here you should just leave it - they clearly have no faith in human beings. We all do shitty things to people sometimes and when confronted, we can react badly at first, but often after a while, we see the error in our ways and change. This might very well happen with your PIL. If you do not think it will harm your relationship with your own DH, do say something. I got my DH to say something and from one parent, I believe an effort has been made. My FIL, not so much, so I'll steer my children through that.

Horrible when adults can’t see the harm it can cause to kids self esteem.. I’d call it out from a position of curiosity and say you noticed and were concerned how it may make other GC feel as hard for kids not to read other meaning into - especially if favoured GC is letting the others know their good fortune

So you've allowed these people to remain in your children's lives for years and years, despite knowing they are shitty people who treat them shittily.

"They treat my DC at best as less than, at worst as an inconvenience. I have spent their whole lives reassuring them that they’re loved and cared about by the GC despite the vast amounts of evidence that this is not true."

So you've been gaslighting your kids for years and years because, presumably, you were hoping it would pay off financially and now you're enraged because it only paid off for one of them? Or what?

Parents protect their children from EVERYONE and that includes grandparents. You did not have to "facilitate" anything with people who treat your children shittily.

And now you are upset because they have continued to behave precisely as they always have done.

The person you should be angry with is yourself.