Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

In your opinion. Clearly not everyone agrees. You’ve been determined to lay into her from the start of the thread, twisting everything she said. Not very nice at all.

In fact, the overall vote is in favour of her not being unreasonable.

I feel for OP. Sure it’s the grandparents’ money to do as they wish, and they should know this could create hard feelings and affect family relationships. I’d lose respect for them quite completely.

Surely as a parent you treat all children the same, and all grandchildren for birthdays and Christmas presents? Talking as a grandparent, not very fair to favour one grandchild, as I have said rather like favouring one of your own children, asking for trouble!

I've hardly been 'determined to lay into her'. Just offered an alternative perspective, which we don't have to share.

This is a forum after all. I'm sure she's validated that the majority of people don't think she's being unreasonable.

I'm just not one of them.

Sorry this has been happening to you and your DC. It is truly dreadful. Shitty behaviour from shitty people.

Are you suggesting that the grandparents spent less on OP's children because they don't like her?

YANBU My mother was always scrupulously fair with the grandchildren but then I would say she was also always fair with my sister and I. If she bought for one she bought for them all. She was my children’s only grandparent. I know my sister’s in laws have a favourite grandchild (the golden child of the golden child) and it’s not one of my sister’s dc. It’s very hurtful to see them treated like this especially as my sister does so much for them. More than anyone else does really.

I would take a step back and let the golden child see to them in their old age.

Not necessarily that they don't like her, but are aware of - and don't appreciate - the expectation on her part.

But that would be punishing the children because of what they perceive as the OP’s ‘entitlement’. And it isn’t just her DC who are being marginalised in favour of the golden grandchild, so it doesn’t really explain what’s going on here.

There’s also no way of knowing whether the PIL are even aware of how the OP feels. She’s gone out of her way to persuade her DC it isn’t happening, after all.

I understand, OP. YANBU but people who haven't experienced this probably won't get it.
PIL's have favoured DH's sister his entire life. It's DH they have always leant on for emotional and practical support, but SIL is the one who has always been showered with affection, gifts and praise while DH grew up being largely ignored. DH is very stoic about it all, he never knew any different afterall. He also says he's glad in a way because it taught him to be self-sufficient and resourceful from an early age.

Unfortunately, PIL's favouritism has extended to their GC and this is what DH finds hurtful. His Dsis's DC are showered with expensive gifts and experiences such as days out and holidays at every opportunity (PIL are wealthy) and this is never extended to our DC. One example of many, the last time we spent Christmas Day with them DN got a massive pile of gifts from PIL including a new phone, designer perfume, expensive trainers and jewellery. DD who is a similar age got a teddy bear. It was so awkward, the whole family sitting there watching DN tear into this enormous pile of gifts while DD was there with her teddy. Because DD has been raised to be polite and grateful she smiled, thanked PIL and bless her, did a pretty good job of pretending she had completely failed to notice the ludicrous disparity between her and DN. DN, on the other hand was pissed off that the trainers were the 'wrong' colour but that's beside the point.

It's not about the money. We don't need anyone to provide nice things for our DC, we can do that ourselves. It's about how that kind of favourtism makes a child feel. Like they matter less, like they've done something wrong or they're not good enough. Well, DH and I aren't prepared for our DC to feel that way, especially DH who grew up being made to feel like that. So we have taken a big step back from PIL and I don't regret it at all.

Thank you

im going to assume that anyone who posts about how “expectation of any kind is never good”, is a rather sad and somewhat down trodden individual.

i absolutely have high expectations about how I am treated and how my DC are treated.

I expect my friends to make mutual effort and support

I expect my husband to be faithful and loving

i expect my DC to be honest and truthful

i expect my employer to be transparent and reasonable

hell I expect complete strangers to be courteous and fair. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that as a minimum from my PILs

How can you fail to see that it's your 'high expectations about how you and your DC are treated' that led you to posting here in the first place?

Lower your expectations a bit and you might be a little less fuming.

Take care.

Yeah OP, lower your expectations to expect your childrens grandparents to treat all their grandchildren equally.
What a joke of a response.

Expecting grandparents to treat all grandchildren the same is really not high expectations. It's just what a family should do. How can you fail to see that?

A question I too struggle with, @LarkspurLane.

Indeed, me too. I wonder if that poster is a grandparent who plays favourites and is feeling defensive about it. They’re weirdly invested in defending the OP’s PIL.

It's not that I don't see it, I just don't agree.

Relationships are complex and for whatever reason it sounds like the PILs don't want to spend their time and money on the OP's kids.

Whether there's backstory to that, only she knows.

But it isn’t just the OP’s DC! It’s that they favour one grandkid over all the others. Blatant favouritism.

You seem to want to make out that it’s all about the OP when it clearly isn’t.

'Blatant favouritism ' or just 'the PILs choice'?

The OP has been reassured that she's not being unreasonable based on the info given and I'm clearly in the minority with this opinion, so why don't we agree to disagree?

Tbf though, gifts do represent feelings and how we value the people in our lives.

i will spend more and take more time buying for people i love.

you wouldn’t get your 15 year old a £20 voucher for their birthday and tell them to be grateful they got anything.

my nieces and nephews all get roughly the same for birthdays and Christmas, graduations, significant events.

you wouldn’t get someone you barely knew - say a child of a friend of your parents- an extravagant gift far exceeding family budget. you wouldn’t spend £50 on a classmate’s birthday, though you might on your mum.

As a giver gifts and value do translate into a hierarchy- giving one grandchild a car and another £20 definitely sends the message that you are lower on the list.

Leaving aside the fact that this is pure speculation, maybe ponder on this nugget from the actual facts:

The favoured child’s own sibling has turned 18 and received the smaller gift along with all the other GC.

Is that a reflection of the GPs’ feelings about the OP as well?

A good point, @eastegg - I wonder if anyone can explain how, in the absence of exceptional need/circumstances, it is right or fair to give one sibling £2000 and the other £40,000.

There’s so much context missing here. DGPs bought only one of the cousins a very expensive gift but the reason was that gift was a horse. They shared a hobby with that grandchild and the grandchild had progressed to a place where they couldn’t go further without a better horse. None of the other grandchildren chose to ride. They all still got lovely gifts but the horse was clearly an outlier in terms of cost. There were no bad feelings from anyone.

I’m not holding my breath for @Famallama to answer me!