Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

@PupPupPupAndAway but I'd have to pretend not to be bothered because play this forward if you are cold/distant with them because of this and they tell the wider family why, there is no way you come out of this not looking grasping petty and grabby. are you for real??? the other siblings children didnt receive a high value gift either!! there was only one grandchild who got a huge present! I would be hard pushed to keep my mouth shut at all!!

If the favoured grandchild has a sibling maybe their parents will address the disparity in gift value?

I agree there are many times when it's right to protest about unfairness because we can bring about change - votes for women, inequality, discrimination etc. But in this case, pointing it out won't change anything and may also damage relationships.

The kids are grown up now. Only the older one bothers with them. They’ve only got themselves to blame.

I don't think so, why cover up for poor adult behaviour. My mother doesn't have any time for my daughter, promises stuff then doesn't deliver and various other things. Why would I cover that up? She isn't stupid.

And you when inheritance will show and only the older one gets something…

That created a rift between your children. I wouldn’t say it is good.

OP I don't blame you one bit. That's a mean and horrible thing to do. I'd be letting them know my feelings, I couldn't help myself.

I feel for you OP and totally get the point you are trying to make.

It's not the amount or value but the principle.

My MIL does the same with my actual children, favouring one over the other. The older one gets nice expensive gifts and the younger one, I'm lucky if she remembers his birthday. When she did remember, it was items way too young for him.

They're quite young, and it got to a point where the younger one was getting out enough to notice and started to get upset and didn't want to spend time with them anymore. MIL didn't even notice she was doing it.

It took several requests, prompts and reminders together for it to stop. Mine no longer get gifts and we ask for vouchers every time. I also ended up distancing myself from her (for many reasons, not just this) and it greatly improved how I felt and dealt with it all.

@PupPupPupAndAway YANBU. If you’d posted this in “Relationships” you’d have got much more understanding - but it’s AIBU and just a chance to stick the boot in for many posters.

It’s horrible to treat DC/DGC so unequally. It’s natural to have “favourites” as DC will have different personalities and some will be more easy going/fun/have shared interests than others. But singling one GDC out to be so obviously and massively favoured is a real dick move. The fall out could be huge.

I’d be giving them a wide berth from now on and if they ask why, I’d tell them that their favouritism left a bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t want to witness such cruel behaviour.

YANBU and I can't believe people on here think you are being grabby. I was a less favoured grandchild (along with 3 of my siblings) and the blatant favouritism of 1 of my siblings plus a few of my cousins was obvious and hurtful. As an adult, I don't care and those cousins who she plied with gifts and money (plus holidays, sleepovers etc.) now don't give too shits about their GM now!
It caused so much aggro between my parents and now my mum is dead, my dad regrets not saying anything. I don't know how your DH and his siblings keep their mouth shut! It's also bound to cause issues with siblings/cousins which isn't fair.

I’d be raging ! It’s entirely naturally for a mother to be protective of her children and feel pain when grandparents obviously favour others with no good reason. My MIL was like this with my children years ago. She’s dead now but she had no relationship with my kids as they got older and could see it for themselves. When she died , they did not mourn her. She was the loser in the end because the ones she favoured did not visit her in her care home etc. My own mum was fair and equal to all and on her death bed was surrounded by her entire family

No one needs to keep count if 5 got a nice silver necklace and one got a car 🫤

Sounds like our situation currently as our children are little. Not that it makes it ok but it appears to be the relationship between the mum and the daughter that fosters her children being treated better to that of the son’s children. My SIL even complains to me that her MIL treats her husband’s sisters kids better than hers (when her mother does this with ours lol). I feel you OP and it’s hard to swallow but I realised I just had to step back.

I suspect quite a lot of grandparents have a "favoured" grandchild, often for no obvious reason. It was years before it dawned on me why I was my maternal grandfather's pet. It was because my mother and I had lived with her parents for the first 2 years of my life (father being away with the army) and, having ignored his own children, he spent all his spare time playing with me and teaching me to talk. It might have been awkward had any of my cousins/aunts/uncles been jealous, but as he was pretty ghastly they were more than happy to let me take the hit at family gatherings.

If he'd had any money I might well have copped the lot - I've never given it any thought - but he didn't. 😆

This made me smile as this is exactly what happened to me (as the grandchild) - necklace vs a car 😅
I didn't say anything at the time to my grandparent directly - not worth the hassle - but it was noticed...

No idea why the OP is getting a kicking. The grandparents are arseholes for the blatant favouritism. No excuse. Doesn’t matter if they gave the OPs kids £1 million - if the one other grandchild got £20m, then that’s unfair. Behaviour like this corrodes and destroys families for generations to come. The grandparents are dicks and OP is right to pull back. I would tell them why straight up though.

I’m sorry I disagree with many on here. As a son I would expect your DH to take his parents aside and tell them exactly how he feels about making his children feel 2nd best and that he would be taking a step back.

Those parents won’t be expecting any future caregiving from me for sure.

I could get over being treated differently myself, and have done, but I wound not accept it for my child. I would get angry.

They know what they have done and they have chosen to upset part of the family.

the reason it appears grabby is you keep using the word 'my', my children, my DH .... in reality there are 9 grandkids so potentially 8 cousins affected but you tend to focus on what your kids have missed out on

So would you give one of your children a tenner and the other £1000 for their birthday and think that’s ok? Do you really think your child would think they were loved the same?

yes it was my mums choice and she is a decent person as most nice decent people don’t treat people differently it’s really not that hard. It’s not just about money

The reality is it sounds like they are closer to your DN? Spent more time with him when he was little etc. (it’s often the case that GP are closer to their daughter’s children than their sons). I think parents are obliged to treat all their children scrupulously equally. I don’t think that applies to grandparents. GP often have much closer relationships with some DGC than others, that’s life.

I don't know how you'd get over this, it sounds totally unfair. Blatant favouritism. Is there anything about the DN circumstances that warrant being treated more favourably? Any 'special needs' or parents not getting on?
If it happened in my family I don't think anyone could not say anything about it.
My own DM left my DS a small lump sum of money, that she didn't leave to her 2 other GC. She explained why (before her passing) and I absolutely insisted she pass on that explanation to my sibling, who was very ok about it. It was far far less than what you've described OP.
It will eat away at you if you don't bring it up, either with the GP's or the mother of the DC. The response would be very telling and at least you'll know where you stand.

We have a DN who gets ‘more’ from grandparents, but that’s because her dad (their son) likes to behave as if she doesn’t exist and therefore we as a family we spend more/do things for her we wouldn’t for other nieces and nephews. It’s about need, you don’t have to be equal to be fair. Is there something like this going on?

Ive focussed on my DC because i have no idea what the other GC feel and dont want to make assumptions

My pil always favoured their other dgc but now it’s interesting… because those kids are not remotely interested in helping them out now they’re old. My kids would definitely support them, but don’t really have a relationship with them because they didn’t bother much. So the upshot is that PIL are old and lonely after reaping what they sowed.
My parents blatantly favour dsis oldest son. My kids don’t care, but we have very little to do with them.
My advice to you OP is to step back and let life do its thing

Of all the posts, this is the most ridiculous. Of course she is going to reference her own DCs but she’s clearly also referred many times to the other ones. Why are you so desperate to make the OP out to be a villain when she has a legitimate grievance at the GPs awful, toxic, divisive behaviour?