Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

I have BMI of over 40 and none of my friends would ever say anything like this to me because if they did, I would not be friends with them for much longer. I don't buy the ' they are just being kind' line. I prefer my friends to give me advice only if I ask for it and I do the same for them. All of them are aware of my problems with weight because they can see them and I sometimes talk about it, though less and less often over the years. Fine if you think that real friends say what they think but if the main thing on the mind of my friend is my weight then I don't want them as a friend - simple as that.

The fact is that someone with a BMI of 40+ is very likely to have tried a number of ways to lose weight and has been unsuccessful

I have a number of areas in my life where I have succeeded, unfortunately in this very very public way (my weight), I have failed. Why would I want a friend who constantly draws attention to the one thing I have failed at ? I don't, I have eough strangers and enemies who do that. I like my firends because they are fun to be around and because I enjoy their company, not because they give me 'helpful advice' or because they are 'kind' or 'do kind things for me'

I accept the haranguing (with bad grace) from health professionals because it is their job - though it is particuarly ineffective with me, and sometimes from family because I can't choose them but absolutely not from my friends. I just don't have the patience for it any more

If she is genuinely worried about your health I think it’s caring but clumsy

My father used to keep an eye on my weight. If I crept above a size 12 he’d be making comments, and I would start to eat less and exercise more. My partner was the same! When they died I put on 4 stone over 7 years! I’ve just lost it again. Now they are gone, I feel grateful that they tried to help me stay healthy.

Excess weight is a huge negative factor on health, even if you're fit and active. I think it's actually quite odd that it's so taboo to be honest with people about this. If you're not being honest with yourself about it, maybe it's just that she cares about you enough to risk the friendship by saying something.

This would be friendship ending for me. Not only that she thought it, that she wrote me an email about it. It says a lot about how judgmental and self-righteous she is.

As she is a lifelong friend, I think you need to see this as a family member worrying about you, it doesn’t sound spiteful, just thoughtless.
Weight is a really emotive issue but there are cultural differences around how acceptable it is to mention it, some nationalities will tell you straight that you are too fat and it isn’t meant unkindly. She may be around people who talk a lot about weight and weight concerns . I would tell a friend that this had upset me, that I am aware and that I’m trying to address it, but I wouldn’t lose a lifelong friend over one comment. I was very thin until I was 40 and had a baby, an old friend commented that I was fatter, but he didn’t mean to upset me, he’s just very blunt.

I'd find the links to the videos and diets incredibly patronising and that would wind me up far more than being called fat.

If you're fat and you've gained weight and someone says - wow you gained weight - its calling a spade a spade but I get that I'm not sensitive about my own body struggles. When I've been fat it doesn't upset me when someone has stated that fact.

But being sent links on how to lose weight would massively piss me off. I'm fat not thick and for that I wouldn't want to continue the friendship.

For everyone saying size 20 is big.why are over half the female. population size 16 or more as I read only recently. Are we nearly all overweight then.

Never comment on somebody’s weight or fertility, unless you’re a doctor and the patient has come to you with a related problem. That’s my philosophy in life and I have no regrets.

OP you should distance yourself from this friend. She knew what she was doing and it was not kind. Of course you know what weight you are, and of course you have others around you who see you regularly and who can support you if needed. Her comment was not needed. It’s even worse that she stewed on it for a while before messaging you. She needs to get a life.

I suspect she may feel threatened by the new more confident you.

Is this a serious question? A large number of people being overweight does not mean that it is the best size to be. Even if everybody was a size 18 apart from one person, it would still not be a healthy weight for the majority.

Its a weird coincidence that she mentioned ttc, when you are, and she doesn't know. That, added to the timing, after the visit with no comment or whatsoever during it, makes me wonder if someone is worried about you, who does know you're ttc may have asked her to have a word.

I really don't understand this, why would it take your friends or your family telling you that you are overweight for you to realise that you are overweight?

You knew you had gained 5 stones, you just either were okay with it or it was too hard for you to lose the weight so you just lived with it. You most likely did look lovely and your friends are probably of the opinion that it is the person on the inside who they love, and it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, so kept their noses out of it.

No one but you is responsible for policing your eating habits and lifestyle or passing judgement on it.

Assuming her intervention came from a place of concern (given she is a friend I think that's a reasonable assumption) it's really very surprising she felt it was appropriate to bring it up when you hadn't.

I have a friend who's weight has fluctuated in the past; sometimes she brings it up and we talk about it, sometimes she doesn't and we don't. I don't mention it when I see her and she has lost weight either because I feel like that might make her think I am 'noticing' every time but only not mentioning it when she has gained weight.

I am sorry she has made you feel so insecure about the time you spent with her, that must be very upsetting for you.

I don’t see it as being a good friend to collude in denial.

I have a friend who’s overweight and has PCOS. She been having issues with facial hair. One day she put on our group WhatsApp that she’d given up on the hair removal and posted a picture of her with a small beard.

A few of the group told her she looked fine, others stayed quiet. I contacted her to ask if she was ok as to me it looked like a cry for help. It was. She then removed it.

What kind of friend can stay silent and let their friend walk outside with a beard in good conscience?

I will never trust that group to be honest with me.

Yes. These are the stats from 2022 as it takes a while to collect and process but it won't be significantly different now (although perhaps WL drugs may have helped)

In 2022, approximately 61% of adult women in England were classified as either overweight or obese. This figure includes those with a Body Mass Index (BMI) between 25 and 30 (overweight) and those with a BMI of 30 or higher (obese). While men are more likely to be overweight or obese overall, a slightly larger proportion of women are obese compared to men.

Here's a more detailed breakdown:
Overweight: In 2022, 31% of adult women in England were classified as overweight but not obese.

Obese: In 2022, 29.6% of adult women were classified as obese.

Combined: When combining both overweight and obese categories, the total proportion of adult women in England affected is 61%.

@LittleMermaidRose Your weight is none of her business. That's about it.
I would message her saying that you find it odd how she feels entitled to make comments about your body. And that going forward, her judgement disguised as worry will make it super awkward spending time together.

You don't have to spend time with people who judge you. Let them judge if it amuses them. But you don't have to give them your time and effort.

No one talking about my weight has ever helped me lose weight. It’s something I had to decide and tackle for myself. Comments would just make me feel bad about myself, make the situation worse.

How is this collusion in denial?

The friend had zero idea what the OP felt about her weight as they didn’t discuss it either way! As far as she knows, the OP could have been about to embark upon a diet and had been seing the doctor regularly etc. Saying nothing to a friend isn’t being in denial, it is respecting their autonomy and giving them the credit of being able to manage their own health.

Look at it from the friend’s perspective - she is obviously concerned about your health, if you are on the heavy side. And whereas being fit and doing exercise is obviously much better than sitting around eating junk food, being overweight is still bad for your health. No amount of body positivity changes that.
Maybe she was thinking that if anything ever did happen to you health wise - eg heart attack, she would feel terrible if she had said nothing, as she might have been able to prevent it by trying to help you. I think mentioning something once is fair enough, repeatedly going on about something isn’t. Try to see it less as criticism and more as her trying to be a good friend who cares about you, if she is that good a friend?

I do really feel for you. I’ve had the same situation where comments have been made and it stings. It stings because it’s something I’m conscious of, something that I’m embarrassed about and it gets me down. Knowing that a friend has focused on those same flaws will really hurt.

However, you say she’s a good friend so it’s not likely she reached out in this way to be spiteful. I think she’s worried about you, about your health and thought she was doing the right thing. The fact she waited so long after her visit suggests she wrestled with saying anything at all, but likely decided it was in your best interests to say something.

I hope you can work through it with her x

Maybe she got it wrong how she approached this with you and was scared to say it to you, but was worried. It’s easy to think people are being mean, I very much doubt that was her intention, sounds like she really cares to say that. You haven’t said how much overweight you are, but sounds like she did hit a nerve.

She’s right that being overweight can lead to health issues. A waist over 85 cm plus BMI over 25 is considered dangerous and can lead to any of the following (below). I say this as someone diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and I was basically told a few years earlier at a 40+ health check I was fat by a nurse who then gave me zero advice and it felt like a complete judgement. I went home not really thinking I was that bad and probably crammed in a load of chocolate and cake.

I was perimenopausal but had no idea about this and why I was putting on weight. I became hopeless about it. We don’t know your age.

All I can say is if your friend is worried, take her advice as well meaning and do something now. It only gets worse as you get older as women. I’d recommend a keto diet though, not weight watchers. Fast 800 keto is good.

Type 2 diabetes: Abdominal fat can interfere with insulin sensitivity, leading to diabetes.
High blood pressure: Excess abdominal fat can contribute to hypertension.
High cholesterol and atherosclerosis: This can lead to coronary heart disease and stroke.
Certain cancers: Increased risk of bowel, breast, and womb cancer has been linked to obesity.
Other conditions: Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease (GORD), gallstones, reduced fertility, osteoarthritis, and sleep apnoea.

I understand how you feel OP. It's awful when people feel they can comment on other people's weight. Sending weightloss tips and assuming she knows how you feel about your body without knowing the full circumstances and without you opening the subject up is incredibly patronising. I feel she's been very rude and thoughtless, despite probably feeling like she's being well meaning.

I can empathise. I've had similar experiences. A colleague suggested we needed to start looking after ourselves more and exercising, when I was doing about 6 hours of HIIT exercise a week. A good friend once, when drunk, and asked me if I knew I had a belly (I definitely did). Another time, she suggested I eat fewer takeaways. I'd been diagnosed with an underactive thyroid, which she knew, and I was in the early months of treatment which has taken years to get right. I'm still cross when I think about those conversations and wish I'd handled them better at the time. I was really hurt and shocked by my usually lovely friend's thoughtless comments, so I tried not to react and just ended the conversations as quickly as possible. I'm not sure I would let it go completely now though.

I just wanted to say I don't think you are overreacting at all and I think it's important that you do respond to her. I think your answer will depend on the tone you choose and how much information you now want to share about your life and the circumstances you mention. People on Mumsnet are often really good at suggesting good responses, so I hope you get some good advice here.

My mum does this. I appreciate that she cares. She doesn’t say it in a nasty way. I struggle with my weight and am always trying to lose it. It’s hard something, I never had an issue before, but once in ‘that’ age group as a woman it’s bloody hard.

Sad you say you care but offer zero support and don’t say anything. Sounds more like you’re so worried about conflict you don’t support your sisters!! If you can’t tell family you don’t have a good relationship.

Exactly and I personally think body positivity goes against health. Yes, we have wonderful bodies that take care of us, but we are responsible for our bodies and need to take care of them and respect them.