Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

I have noticed friends who I hadn't seen in a long time aging, as I have aged.
I don’t message them to suggest a facial routine or visit to the skin clinic.
People change over 7 years.

What do you say if they ask you why?

You really can’t see the huge and obvious difference between wrinkles, a totally normal part of aging which is harmless albeit some people may not like the look of it, and seeing a friend who is obese which could quite literally kill them?

If that were me, I'd have to tell the "friend" how I felt - then make her an ex-friend by blocking her.

Honestly, if she’s normally a very good friend, I would give her the benefit of the doubt as she has apologised for this.
I went from a size 14 to 16 after dc3 was born. I was already feeling down about this but was just like, I’ll dress for my size, started following plus size models for style ideas, etc.
I met with one of my very good friends and I was moaning about how long it took for me to find something that fits and we should go shopping after coffee and she told me straight up that something needs to change. She literally said I look pregnant. I was so so pissed off with her and let her know and she apologised genuinely but that was the trigger for me. In a year I became a size 10 and I’m so happy. I’m still maintaining my weight loss to date and in hindsight, she honestly meant well because she’s a genuine person. I was just so blind to see that I’m big.

You think on your feet - something like just mentioning because I had to see my doctor and they recommended vitamins, blood pressure rechecking, healthier eating, getting exercise - look I’ve got a step counter etc. it was lucky I went so I’m mentioning this to everyone. See what the friend says.

I’m 5’6” 13 stone and size 20. I would like to lose some weight, but I’m not enormous either imo.

If I was genuinely worried about a friend who had gained a significant amount of weight, I would ask if they were ok, what’s been going on in their lives and that would likely give me a reason for their change in appearance. Nobody personally revels in gaining weight (or very rarely at least) and it can often be for a multitude of reasons attributed medical or emotional issues or life changes and stresses. I put on weight after the birth of my first DC. Why was that? Because I was run ragged, had no time to myself, was suffering with PND and had no time to make proper food. Would it have helped if a friend had text me saying I needed to join weight watchers because I’d noticeably gone up a dress size?

A harsh “wake up call” is only often needed in very extreme circumstances, and even then, it often isn’t the catalyst to adults drastically changing. They have to want to change themselves otherwise it does not work.

The OP’s friend has approached this with absolutely no compassion and my impression from the post is that they have been visually put off by her appearance and sent her a text saying she needs to join weight watchers otherwise she won’t be able to have a baby. I cannot understand why anyone thinks this is what a kind person does? And also to note, I have a number of friends who have suffered with infertility, all of them are thin. OP’s friend has made some huge assumptions based on her own prejudice towards someone in a larger body and not approached this with any kindness whatsoever. It is this that would make me hugely question the friendship.

I can literally pick out those as a minimum have body/food issues/ed even just from this thread, the ones that think it’s perfectly fine to give out their ‘friendly’ advice on diet, exercise and staying ‘slim’ and all of this faux concern about their health is just sickening. Health issues can also be caused by not eating enough!

It’s absolutely disgusting that you are stomping all over your friends’ reasonable boundaries.

Stop projecting your eating and body issues onto someone else who is perfectly happy as they are. It is none, and I repeat, none of your business.

You are not a good friend
You are not a doctor
You are in no position to lecture

No wonder these people have no friends or at best superficial alliances. It’s extremely poor form to stick your beak in and judge someone else’s body.

Please stick with sorting out your OWN issues and get some help. No one cares what you think, and your friends definitely won’t thank you for judging them and giving them your shit advice!

I'll expand on my original comment. It still stings, so it's hard for me to write about it.

After I was upset by the mocking that I received, I expected a family member to tell me to ignore it. Instead, they tried to persuade me to have plastic surgery.

That is not what you want to hear from someone who is close to you. So yes - that kind of comment can upset you, no matter how confident you are in yourself.

I wish my friends had told me I was overweight. I'd gained 5 stone and everyone would say how lovely I looked in this or that and it wasn't until I'd lost weight that I realised I was fat and looked incredibly unhealthy. I'd much rather my friends had told me I needed to lose weight than tip toe around the bush and pretend I looked fine, when in reality I didn't. I was borderline diabetic. My parents however, did tell me I needed to lose weight and they were concerned for my weight, I then lost the weight in MJ and never looked back

Most people put weight on because it's really easy to put weight on and hard to stay slim. I noticed my cousin had gained weight when I saw her last but she had two boys at primary school - I was at my heaviest at her age, early 40s and I know it's tough. I also know that she is really sporty and it won't be through lack of exercise. It's just hard. There's no point me telling her, she knows!

At the end of the day, she felt like she was free to tell you what she thinks (wholly unprompted - the cow) and you have the right to do exactly the same.

I'd be telling her that you are happy in your skin and have never complained to her about your weight, so her comments were intrusive and did not come across as helpful. If anything, they have now CAUSED you to feel judged and belittled and have made you feel differently about the friendship.

Remind her that you are happy in life, have a good relationship and many friends and feel that you have really worked on your confidence, so the fact that your 'best friend' feels the need to randomly pop up and punch you right in the self-esteem isn't OK.

I'd be asking for space and for her to think about how her actions can hurt people.

Oooooh I'm a bit mad about this on your behalf, OP!

It really feels like she's trying to drag you down because she's not happy herself.

You sound bloody lovely. Don't let her get to you.

You are not the sum of your dress size and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.

This is weird. A passing comment while you're together is one thing, but who makes a point of writing a message a month after the meet up to say this?

Everyone saying "oh perhaps it's her nationality some cultures are more blunt about these things" (I know OP has now confirmed they're both from the uk) or "she meant it out of love" - why didn't she say it face to face then? If she was that blunt and straight talking, or caring and worried, why would she a) wait a month to say anything or b)hide behind a text message? It's just weird.

Not to mention, if she's that worried you'd think she'd put a bit more effort into helping op. Wtf use will a few links to exercise videos and recipes do? OP is fat not stupid, she can presumably use Google herself if she wanted to do some aerobics or learn how to make cauliflower rice.

Does she really think she'll message back in 6 months and say "omg friend thank you so much! I had never heard of Joe wicks until you sent me that link but after doing ten minutes of exercise a day I've lost four stone! Life changing advice!"

She was concerned, she made you aware, you didn't like it, she apologised, you either get over it or end the friendship.

Can’t do much about ageing.

being able to discuss difficult topics with a friend / a friend offering unsolicited weight advice are not the same thing.

I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

Tell her this.

People can see if you're overweight?
no shit Sherlock!

It's a comment on someone's appearance dressed up as concern for their health

maybe it’s not though? Most people wouldn’t be so offended at a friends appearance they would say something a good friend it would be coming from a good place, even if unwelcome.

Look if you’ve gained lots of weight since she last saw you and it’s shocked her shes probably genuinely trying to help. You’ve said you didn’t appreciate it- she’s apologised. What else can she do?!

It absolutely IS really awful. It's absolutely none of friend's business and is very hurtful. It's never a good idea to make unsolicited remarks about someone else's body. You have no idea why they are the way they are at all.

OP, I would message back to her again saying "I am quite happy as I am thank you very much. If I want advice I will ask for it."

Tell her how you feel. Tell her you think she’s overstepped the mark if you think she has.
My friend of 15 years did this to me when I was anorexic and she hadn’t seen me for a long time. She told me exactly what she thought and why she was worried. It was unsolicited and she was right. I wasn’t interested to hear it at the time and told her. She respected that but was not sorry. We’ve now been friends 35 years, still rarely see each other but she’s never been one to beat around the bush. That’s why I love her!!

So could you still fit into your size 10 jeans after you gained 5 stone? You didn’t once notice the weight gain? It makes me feel sad that you feel you can’t trust yourself in any shape or form.

I have a long standing friend, who’s always, in her own words ‘been a larger lady.’ I’ve watched over the years as she’s developed many weight related issues. It’s been very hard to say nothing, as we (including her) are all aware of the problem. It’s a no-go area.

Recently they’ve experienced a life changing event, partly weight related & certainly going forward a situation that will be far more difficult to come back from given her size.

Despite all the above nobody discusses with her such a fundamental obstacle to her regaining her health. I’ve wrestled with myself as to whether to raise the subject. I haven’t. She’s my friend & I love her, I want her to know she can trust me & depend upon me.

It’s clearly something she could talk about if she wanted to - we talk about everything else. But she doesn’t want to, & who am I to force her? I know that people’s relationship with food can be very complex. My friendship with her means more to me than me being ‘right’ about what she should do.