Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

It sounds like she’s projecting her unhappiness onto you. She was rude and massively overstepped. I would be putting boundaries in place and having distance from her, if you still want her in your life.

Did OP's friend mock her? If so, that's awful, but she doesn't say that in her post.

Of course it isn't acceptable for people to mock anyone about anything.

Find other friends. I’d feel awful if a friend told me to lose weight. I’m bigger and it’s fine. It’s normal. I’ve been slim and now I’m fat. It’s how I am. It’s my own business. Feel fine about yourself.

Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't notice it either.

As for the self esteem, the past year or so I've changed a lot as a person. I've made new friends, got a new job, pushed myself out my comfort zone, become a lot more confident. I've felt really good about myself for a change.

----

She isn't happy in herself right now. She doesn't have a lot of friends where she lives, hates her job, and has a few health problems.

It's possible these are linked.

Has she seen you grow and change? Maybe she is trying to lower your self esteem so you don't grow away from her?

There’s a big difference between being a bit bigger than average and being obese. Worrying that your friend is speeding on their way to a heart attack, stroke, osteoarthritis, cancer, infertility or many other things due to their obesity doesn’t make someone a rubbish friend.

It’s not fine or normal to be clinically obese.

Of course your weight is your own business but any decent friend would be concerned about your health. I love my friends, I certainly don’t want to be standing by their graves in our 40’s or watching them go through the heartbreak of infertility and it being too late. I don’t think I’d ever say anything, but I’d absolutely think it, anybody would.

OP, can you say a bit more about what the hurtful comments were? Why is it hurtful to say she is worried about your health?

Going from size 18 to size 20 might not seem much to you, but to a friend it might look as though you are gaining rather than going the other way and they may imagine you getting bigger and bigger. At the risk of hurting you I would say that might be alarming to them.

The same is true when people go from Size 20 to size 10. You can't recognise the person you used to know. It is such a shift that people often ask them if they're ill (happened to me). As a society we're pretty messed up about weight issues, I guess.

I agree.

It’s a very British thing to not comment on ppls weight.
In other countries it’s (for good or bad) pretty standard.
Maybe your friend was debating saying something - as it took her a while to talk to you after her visit.
I am also bigger and losing weight. I can see how this would have been incredibly hurtful.
But I would say it shows how much your friend cares for you.

If you’re worried about a friends health the best thing is to say is have you had a check up with your doctor lately? Your opinion on diets and exercise ( perhaps the friend can’t exercise) is nothing compared to that of the persons doctor. Get them to a health check. I’m fat from medications and health issues that aren’t visible. It’s a complex issue and I now understand why some people are fat and also those who are underweight.

She doesn't have many friends you say, OP? Well fancy that.

It might be worth considering whether she is usually insulting or unpleasant. Does she often criticise you (especially your appearance) or try to make you feel bad? Does she often pick you to pieces?

Because if the answer to all the above is no, then her concern is probably genuine.

Exactly this. A size 20 is far more than just "a bigger girl".
I think it is very easy to normalise wherever we are at in that moment, and maybe your friend was trying to show her concern for you, rather than upset you.

Your friend is trying to help you and save you from a lifetime of ill health, whether you found that upsetting or not.

Your friend is trying to help you and save you from a lifetime of ill health, whether you found that upsetting or not.

I don’t care what anyone says, this is an incredibly hurtful thing to do. I just cannot imagine saying this to a friend. The fact that she did this via text message and didn’t have the balls to say it to your face in person says a lot too. If my friend did this to me I would absolutely let them know what I think of them and their cowardly behaviour. Just because someone is overweight it does not mean that you have the right to discount their feelings just because the appearance makes you uncomfortable.

I am conflicted about this having been on the receiving end of a very hurtful comment about my weight in the past.

I got up to a size 16 and had a BMI of 34 so was well into the obese category. But we have normalised being overweight and I think when looking around me it was easy for me to say "I know I'm fat but I don't feel obese, I look a similar size to lots of other people."

Anyway, a family member made a horrible joke at my expense one day which was basically along the lines of "if GameofJones is coming for dinner I'll double the amount of food I cook." Which was obviously an awful thing to say and really, really hurt me. But looking back it was the event that shocked me into action and made me realise that I had been deluding myself and other people could see how fat I'd become. I wouldn't recommend it but it was the singular event that made me decide I'd had enough and to finally lose weight.

Your friend sounds like she has come at it from a place of concern, and has made a mistake. If she's otherwise a good friend and has apologised I would view it for what it is.....well intentioned but ultimately something that has hurt your feelings.

Weight is such an emotive topic I do think it's best to stay away from it unless the other person brings it up. But it's very difficult when someone is going to be damaging their health through obesity to sit back and watch them. I don't think kind comments that I used to get when I was obese "you dress well", "you look great" etc ultimately helped me either.

If someone is sensitive about their weight asking them if they have had a check up lately will be equally triggering, I am afraid. Op says she is ok with er self but she can’t be if this has thrown her so.

someone once told me that what people think of me is none of my business.

And honestly everyone sitting on their high horse and saying that size 20 is too big, OP is clearly unhealthy etc., I highly doubt you make perfect choices every single day. We all come in different shapes and sizes, it is none of your business what another adult does and shaming them into changing their habits certainly isn’t the way to do make a positive change.

There's not much difference between an 18 and a 20. I wonder what made her say it now?

I would give a friend the credit that they know they are heavy and don't need telling. I know a good friend of mine is concerned about her weight and I've managed to lose some recently, but I've never offered unsolicited advice. Only when she noticed and asked me.

She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

This is the bit that makes her a prick, it's one thing to tentatively voice concern for someones health in a kind way, it's another to TELL people what to do and what not to do under the guise of 'being concerned'.. if she was that concerned they are a multitude of ways to approach that.

I lost 7 stone years ago, and kept it off for years, but around the time my mum was dying and subsequently died, I put 2 stone back on and hovered there for a while, my dad told me one day when we were alone that he "couldn't believe I had ruined all the effort I had put in to losing the weight, it's such a waste".

I was actually speechless when he said it, I left and cried on the way home, the people that love and care for you should love you unconditionally, if he was concerned about me I would have took it on the chin, but it absolutely didn't come from a place of concern, it actually felt at the time that he just wanted to purposely kick me while I was down.

I've been fat and I've been thin.. currently someone in between, it's amazing how much peoples attitude toward you change when really you are the EXACT SAME PERSON, those people are not worth your headspace.

I think you are absolutely reasonable to not open her mesaages. Who the fuck does she think she is.

If she was that worried she should have said something face to face.But I don't think it's ever appropriate to tell someone they should go to Weight watchers. If she is overweight she will know and if/when she wants to do something about it she will. Comments like that will only make an overweight person feel worse and more likely to hide away and comfort eat,.

I haven’t seen anyone claiming to make perfect choices every day, but it takes a lot more than just not making a perfect choice every single day to be a size 20. That’s not someone who’s had a bag of crisps and a few biscuits after dinner it’s a much much bigger thing than that.

And I’ll say again- not wanting to be standing at your friends grave in your 40’s doesn’t make you an arsehole. I also don’t see what she has done to shame OP really, she’s mentioned her weight, a valid point at size 20, and has said she is worried. I would be too, I just probably wouldn’t be brave enough to say it.

It’s the least offensive option than saying that they are fat. If you’re concerned about a friends health you can mention going to the doctors.