Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

Sure. Being overweight is not healthy, but don't you think people who actually are overweight know it?!
They dont need health and exercise tips from 'friends'. They dont need their weight pointed out.
Eating habits, body image and exercise are very personal complex things and sometimes tied to deep inner wounds. You shouldnt feel the need to make yourself feel superior by pointing out the flaws of others.

The only rational reason I can think is that she knows you work out and eat healthily and are still a bit overweight - maybe she is worried there is a health issue and she wants you to get checked out? She shouldn't have done this obviously but I just can't imagine why someone would say this unless they were just extremely worried for some reason

Thank you all for the comments and different perspectives, it's really appreciated.

I've really struggled with emotional eating in the past, so whilst I've always been an active person, the calories I burn were not enough to cancel out the calories I consumed.
It's a very mental thing. I'm doing a lot better with that now.

As for the ttc thing, only one friend knows about that and they don't know each other, so I can't imagine she would have reached out to her. Which makes it even stranger that she brought it up x

I can 100 pc see why you feel the way you do, and I would not like it, but I can also see that she was trying to care for you too. It's hard when you have people you love and you think they are suffering in some way. I think she was genuinely trying to be caring not insulting. I think in reality we hate being judged , I know I do, but also that we all do it at times. She could have said nothing , but she put herself on the line cos she thought it was the right thing to do , even if she was way off the mark and probably shouldn't have.

That's dreadful. She should mind her own business.

OP do you think she's noticed the changes in you in the last year especially you being more confident and good in yourself plus making new friends and she used your weight under the faux guise to knock you down a peg or two.

Either way she's rude and I wouldn't feel comfortable in her company going forward.

The problem is you risk the friendship (bit of a rock and a hard place). You say something and you get shot down, you don’t say something you get shot down.

Sounds like she is genuinely trying to help you as it might have been a shock to her to see that you have piled on weight since you last met. Is she nice in other ways? Is it because you know deep down that it is true that it is so hurtful? My Dad bought me a slimming book once and I remember being surprised and shocked as we sort of mistakenly all secretly hope that other don’t notice when we put on weight. The truth hurts and she’s tried to tell you nicely I guess as being overweight is a significant health risk. I would stay friends but tell her you feel hurt and don’t want to hear about it anymore

All those saying that was a totally ok thing to do, because she was just sooo concerned about OPs health, would you literally turn around to your loved ones out of the blue and say ‘you need to go to weight watchers’ that’s what a bully would say, that’s not concern…I’d never say that to someone I loved.

My Dad did! He meant it in a concerned way and I never have admitted to him that I now have diabetes as a result of being fat ☹️better to be honest when it’s someone you cherish and don’t want to lose

I wonder if shes a bit threatened by you? My first thought was that she must be. Are you beautiful and/or successful with a happy life and she is missing something of what you have? No-one in their right mind would be such a rude bastard. I think shes threatened by you in some way.

You could reply and say you were thinking the same about her but would never have been so rude to say it to her face.X😉

I put on a lot of weight and few years back, and it was because I was very sedentary, eating and drinking too much.

My friends all told me I looked great and I was a lovely size. I wasnt, I had an obese BMI and was horrifically unhealthy.

Their lying drove me mad! However, I do think your friend has gone about it the wrong way, giving unsolicited advice is normally a terrible idea. She probably does care but she's gone too far & it's absolutely fine for you to tell her that.

OP only you know if this is worth losing the friendship over.
I think she was insensitive and it is none of her business.
I have a friend who is massively overweight but I would never comment on her size or tell her she needs to do something about it, it wouldn't enter my head to do so.

You might not want to hear this, but I don’t think she’s being concerned about you, I think she’s being shallow.
I wouldn’t want to bother with her anymore if I were you - wouldn’t consider this over reacting.
But it’s up to you how seriously you want to take this comment, so you’re a bit chubby, so what - don’t let her upset you 💐

Maybe she was looking at it from the opposite perspective - she saw all these positive changes in you while you were together, so hoped that you're now strong & resilient enough to face this uncomfortable issue and deal with it, with a bit of a nudge from her. If it came from a place of love, and you're medically significantly overweight, I think she was right to say something.

I'm fat too, it crept up on me, and now I'm in my 50s it's become really hard to shift it. It's harder to lose weight the older you get, so worth tackling asap.

Cheeky mare, she didn't even have the guts to say it to your face, she'd clearly been thinking about it all the time she was there too, I'd get rid.

I think it’s harder to say something than not to. I have a friend I’ve known for many years who has really got big in the past couple of years. She walks with a stick now due to her bad knees, has diabetes recently diagnosed and is really struggling to get about. She’s very body positive, and I bite my tongue when she says she doesn’t like chocolate, crisps and has a good diet etc, when the truth is that she eats enormous portions of food. I nod and smile. I don’t dare say anything

I'm sorry that you're feeling understandably upset, a friend has no right to make comments about your weight. If someone genuinely IS overweight they're going to be very aware of it, they certainly don't need to have it pointed out to them!

I let a friendship peter out after a friend made a few digs about my weight, and also implied I'd made a mistake about a (sensible) life choice I'd made. I found her comments, especially about my weight, rude, patronising and bang out of order, and ended up thinking before saying anything that would give her the opportunity to mention it. I realised that it's not a true friendship if you can't completely be yourself, and will no longer tolerate feeling unfairly judged by a friend. When these comments are made it changes the dynamics - you don't feel as relaxed with them, and for me the friendship will never be the same. It's sad when a friendship ends, but being true to myself is more important than keeping a friendship going that no longer works for me.

I’d be upset yes, but i’d also consider her intent. My best friend is very overweight and it’s impacting on her health now. I’ve never said anything, but part of me thinks if something terrible happened, I might feel maybe I should have said something. But of course she is aware, and I just hope she does do something about it.

If you are that close then

1 she obviously felt she could be that honest with you and

2 you should also be honest with her about how not made you feel.

You admit you are a bigger girl and I am too so I can imagine it hurt to hear but it sounds like it’s come from a place of love with awful execution!!

I begged my mum for years to lose weight as I know being overweight is a massive health concern and shortens life expectancy.
She died of colon cancer.
Was i being rude?

I think you need to either ditch the friendship and tell her that the comments were unwelcome and inappropriate as it is no one else’s business what weight you are or accept they came from a concerned friend and acknowledge that and move on. If you are overweight you obviously realise that so she is not telling you something you don’t already know so I am not sure why you were completely blindsided. I guess the reason she left it a while is because she wasn’t sure whether she should mention it. If I were her I wouldn’t have said anything as it is very tactless and unkind and embarrassing for you. I don’t blame you for being hurt. Is she usually judgemental about other stuff?

Op I have a family member, a young woman who has put on a lot of weight over past few years. In the past few years she has also gotten engaged, bought a house and found her dream career. She is happy, confident and super caring towards others. There is no way i would ever comment her weight out of 'concern'. It is none of my business. It is her life. Her body. And all i care about is that i have her lovely presence in my life. She doesnt need to conform to my ideals or lifestyle. Neither do you.

Cos most people eat to much crap and you have a whole body positivity thing which is often celebrating being fat / overweight

generally a size 16 would be fat overweight bmi of 30 plus’s
obese / bordering on obese for the majority of women of average height of say around 5ft 6

but the word curvy is often used for fat
people will often say any word but fat

I’m so sorry she said that to you. I expect she’s trying to help, but she’s really crossed a line. You don’t ever mention someone’s weight, you just don’t.

One of my closest friends is chronically obese, as in a lot more that a size twenty. She has multiple health problems resulting from this. I love her dearly and I’m genuinely terrified she’s going to die from being overweight and I couldn’t bear to lose her. However I would never ever raise the subject. She will discuss it with me at times, and I will listen and sympathise and offer encouragement or whatever she needs at that moment. But I will never be the one to start the conversation. I also never judge. She doesn’t always make the best food choices, but neither do I so I’d be a massive hypocrite to have an opinion on that.

Your friend may think she’s being caring, but she really isn’t going about it the right way. I can completely relate to worrying about a dear friend’s health and wishing you could help them, but it is incredibly patronising and inappropriate to raise the issue of someone else’s weight with them. Especially by text. Could you tell her properly how she has made you feel? If you can’t it’s going to be very hard to get the friendship back to where it was.