Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

I realise people on mumsnet always jump to this, but does he use cocaine OP? The company he keeps, plus the disappearing to the loo that frequently, and perking up after etc. I will get slated but I partake in cocaine very occasionally (once or twice a year at a big gathering) and I know a lot of people who take it frequently and that fits the profile and behaviour.

I don't know anyone in their 30s who uses the term 'brass', unless maybe they use sex workers themselves.

Blaming you is terrible. Get rid.

He said himself his bad stomach was because he was doing shots that he knows usually don’t agree with him the next day,

I'd dump him for this tbh.

Absolutely the only one responsible for his behaviour is him. You don’t need this in your life. Get rid.

Like everyone else said. Throw him back.

(I wouldn't be surprised if he went to the loo to snort a line or two).

@Lavender14 got it right: men in general do what they want to do. If it's important to him, he'll show up sober and adhere to social norms - not talk to his girlfriend's mother and father about (his mates) paying for sex on a Saturday night. So, OP - this meeting with your parents did not matter to him, and by extension nor do you. Bin and run. Congrats on your lucky escape.

Bloody hell! A brass?? Oh dear. I would have to dump him for that. Absolutely mortifying.
You deserve so much better.

I find it hard to believe that he hasn’t shown signs of being a complete idiot prior to this but regardless, I’d dump him. I know more mature 12 year olds.

Yes, kudos to Dad. He got an unexpectedly and unpleasantly honest answer, and established a number of facts -- that this guy can't hold his drink, isn't able to moderate himself ahead of an occasion on which his girlfriend would prefer him not to make a disgrace of himself in front of her parents, that he thinks that using sex workers is just a sign of 'immaturity', and the OP has also discovered that he blames her for his own stupid behaviour.

You're worth more, OP.

I don’t really see this as massively bad but then I don’t know what a “brass” is.

He has low impulse control though. I would never agree to a meet with parents after a big night.

It sounds like he was really, really nervous. Telling him he let you down was bound to make him defensive. He knows he was an idiot without having it pointed out.

If it’s made you see him in a new light, maybe that’s a good thing. You need to know if he’s going to treat every challenging situation with drink and inappropriate behaviour, so you can decide whether he’s the right one for you.

Oh wow - year I take it back. What a gross comment! He is 30 and does not know how to act properly? Gross.

5-6 months is early days. How long it takes them to show themself. Now you know.

A brass is a prostitute.

You are not the one for him. If you were this would have been important to him and he would have prioritised it. He certainly doesn't sound like he's the one for you....

Exactly this.

Totally agree. He sounds like a loser who needs to grow up.

Throw the whole man out.

Have you spoken to your parents? How did they feel about it? Maybe it wasn't as bad as you are thinking.

It's hard to call it. I hated meeting parents formally, it was always really awkward and felt forced. My friend group called them 'domestic interviews'. You know him better than us, it that the real him. Is he an immature verbal incontinent? Or was it nerves and not typical behaviour.

No doubt he botched it. The sentence about his friends was so awful it should be in a script. Either way you will laugh about it one day.

Good luck

They probably thought he was an idiot.

Is he?

Yep all of these especially him blaming OP for his behaviour.

My DC are similar age to you, @MerryLeah. I would be deeply concerned if they introduced me to a similar partner. Quite simply, this man isn’t good enough for you, as he couldn’t be bothered to be respectful towards you and your parents by not being hungover. He sounds very immature and I think being single would be better than being with this man child. Dump him.

So he was hungover with a dodgy tummy, and a complete lack of filter when talking to your parents, and that's your fault? Bin him off. Any man who talks about sex workers as brass, in such a casual manner, isn't a good bet for a long term relationship. Any man who gets so hammered it's still affecting him the next day, has the makings of a drink problem. If he was 19, it might just be forgivable. Early 30's? He needs to grow the fuck up.

I am older than the Op & hopefully wiser

I enjoy a drink sometimes

However, he knew that this was first impressions weekend for your parents

You should have gone alone or cancelled

I do not recommend having children with him
He will put alcohol & his friends before you & any future children

I think this really doesn't bode well going forward!

A brass is slang for a prostitute.

He’s saying his friendship group’s idea of a night out is curry, beer and paying for sex with a prostitute.

To his girlfriend’s parents.

It’s pretty ‘massively bad’, isn’t it?

He, at best, is friends with a group of men who pay for sex. Best case scenario. Worst case he’s so comfortable mentioning ‘brasses’ because he has done too.

He needs to go in the bin, OP.