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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

648 replies

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:26

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 28/07/2025 15:37

5 to 6 months is best behaviour time.
If this is his best behaviour.......

SpaceRaccoon · 28/07/2025 15:39

This is not the one. He and his friends use sex workers.

AlphaApple · 28/07/2025 15:39

He was an idiot, which is possibly forgivable, we've all been there.

If he's still defensive about it after a day or two, that's worrying. You are not to blame.

Megifer · 28/07/2025 15:40

"A brass"?? Urgh he sounds about 18, chuck this one in the bin op he won't get any better.

Jujujudo · 28/07/2025 15:40

lookcobwebs · 28/07/2025 15:37

Or maybe, just maybe, there really aren’t any red flags and he just fucked up this one time.

I mean I wouldn’t have been impressed at all but equally I know it’s easy to get carried away when you’re out with pals and then he clearly didn’t want to let you down the following day so he went along feeling like crap and probably still half pissed. It’s not good and it would have embarrassed me at the time but it’s not the crime of the century is it.

If he’s genuinely sorry it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but I’d expect him to really make a good impression next time he sees your parents.

Show quote history

Fair enough. I tend to look for problems when it comes to things like this so maybe I’m being over cautious.

ClaredeBear · 28/07/2025 15:40

Holy F, I should imagine your parents will think he is disrespecting you by speaking that way in front of you - and keeping that kind of company. You honestly can do so much better than this guy.

MageQueen · 28/07/2025 15:40

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:36

He said himself his bad stomach was because he was doing shots that he knows usually don’t agree with him the next day, he didn’t eat something dodgy. It just seemed a problem of his own making.

Show quote history

The reason is irrelevant. Sure, roll you eyes if it's self inflicted, but I just don't see that as the huge deal.

There are bigger issues arond his thinking and attitude.

cupfinalchaos · 28/07/2025 15:41

Of course it’s no good.. but if anyone asked me what my friends did for a living I’d be vague and ask them what THEIR’S did!! But yes, you know you can do better.

CatChant · 28/07/2025 15:41

You can do better, a lot better.

Throw this one back.

MageQueen · 28/07/2025 15:43

lookcobwebs · 28/07/2025 15:37

Or maybe, just maybe, there really aren’t any red flags and he just fucked up this one time.

I mean I wouldn’t have been impressed at all but equally I know it’s easy to get carried away when you’re out with pals and then he clearly didn’t want to let you down the following day so he went along feeling like crap and probably still half pissed. It’s not good and it would have embarrassed me at the time but it’s not the crime of the century is it.

If he’s genuinely sorry it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but I’d expect him to really make a good impression next time he sees your parents.

Show quote history

Being a big hungover and stupid is fine - mistakes made and all that.

Blaming OP however is a massive red flag. Someone who can't take responsibility for their own actions and behaviour is never going to be a good long term prospect. In 10 years time, will he be blaming her for not reminding him (10 times) that he has to collect the DC from school? Will it be her fault that he lost his temper because she "presses his buttons"? Perhaps it will be her fault that he blew all their savings on a new car because she "emasculated" him?

MeridianB · 28/07/2025 15:43

Talk about showing you who he is!

Absolutely disgusting. I bet he reeked of stale booze.

The ‘brass’ comment and his rush to switch the blame to you are massive red flags - bin him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/07/2025 15:43

My concerns would be:

  • his friends use sex workers and he thinks this is acceptable
  • he didn't care enough about making a good impression to take it easy / drink moderately
  • he doesn't actually know how to behave / what's appropriate (most people I know wouldn't make a joke like that to parents even if they were very drunk
  • the worst one, he blamed you for his own lack of planning / control and resulting behaviour. This does not bode well for someone that can learn from mistakes/ grow as a person / resolve conflict in a healthy way
Evaka · 28/07/2025 15:44

He hangs out eith men who use sex workers and call them brasses? Are you living in a victorian slum? Dump his minging arse. How absolutely revolting.

Festivfrenzy · 28/07/2025 15:44

Eww by early 30s he should definitely be able to manage himself better than this!! The blaming you for his cock up is a huge red flag too. Get rid asap!

MyAcornWood · 28/07/2025 15:45

How embarrassing. I think this would give me the irredeemable ick!

Berlinlover · 28/07/2025 15:46

Saying the word brass in front of your parents is completely insane. He’s not right in the head.

HotCrossBunplease · 28/07/2025 15:46

Is there any possibility that your parents had no idea what “a brass” means? (i didn’t).

[you should still dump him but at least that might make the memory less embarrassing…]

MrBallenIsaFittie · 28/07/2025 15:48

It sounds like you took him to Downton Abbey, did other red flags include giving his gloves to the driver instead of the butler?
On a serious note, he was hungover and probably nervous! My now husband said some absolute corkers to my parents when we started going out, the worst thing was, when he was nervous he seemed to get a one track mind so wouldn't change (the obviously cringe subject) but would plough ahead to it's awkward conclusion.
He eventually relaxed and started to behave like a (relatively) normal person.
I would probably give him a chance but if he doesn't improve get rid.

FurForksSake · 28/07/2025 15:49

Honestly, I’d see what he says and how he behaves this week. If when it all blows over (his embarrassment and hangover) he is able to accept his behaviour, discuss like a grown up how to make it right and ensure it doesn’t happen again, he’d get another try.

anything less and I’d sack him off and move on. He’s old enough to know better, but we all make mistakes. It’s how we move on and take responsibility that matters.

FortyDegreeDay · 28/07/2025 15:49

Dump him. He’s in his early thirties and behaves like a teenage boy?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/07/2025 15:50

The whole thing is how the BF thinks of the relationship with OP. He committed to meeting her parents as their relationship is at a sort of milestone. A mature and committed partner would've laid off the booze as a compromise between hanging out with friends the night before and meeting partner's parents the next day. He chose partying heavily. The shows OP where she stands. 🚩 Never mind his friends use sex workers, as I'm sure he has/does. 🚩 Then he acted like a child and blamed OP for the afternoon at her parents. OP should step back and really take a look here. He's telling her in all these ways that he doesn't want to be with her / in a serious relationship. 🚩🚩🚩
There are other guys out there. Just sayin'..

Viviennemary · 28/07/2025 15:52

He sounds absolutely awful. Get rid.

Jackiebrambles · 28/07/2025 15:52

Berlinlover · 28/07/2025 15:46

Saying the word brass in front of your parents is completely insane. He’s not right in the head.

This, I mean it’s disgusting and pathetic even if said in front of mates at the pub. But to the faces of your actual parents?? He’s got massive issues.

Megifer · 28/07/2025 15:52

MrBallenIsaFittie · 28/07/2025 15:48

It sounds like you took him to Downton Abbey, did other red flags include giving his gloves to the driver instead of the butler?
On a serious note, he was hungover and probably nervous! My now husband said some absolute corkers to my parents when we started going out, the worst thing was, when he was nervous he seemed to get a one track mind so wouldn't change (the obviously cringe subject) but would plough ahead to it's awkward conclusion.
He eventually relaxed and started to behave like a (relatively) normal person.
I would probably give him a chance but if he doesn't improve get rid.

Im common as shit, eat my tea off a cushion, and "5 second rule" literally rules, but even i fail to see what's Downton Abbey about this 😆

DoneitagainhaventI · 28/07/2025 15:53

GinAndJuice99 · 28/07/2025 15:36

If all his friends use sex workers there has to be a good chance he does too

Yes that's just what I was thinking.

He wouldn't have used that expression unless it was common parlance between him and his pals.

I don't think making a bad impression on your parents is the issue here. I think it's why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who behaves like this and who thinks using sex workers is a normal weekly occurance.