Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Oh no. He's a 'lads lad'. I had one of these. They never grow up. A few pints is never a few pints, it always transcends into a total piss up and ignoring texts. My ex used to crash in at all hours, wake me up, then spend Sunday in bed ill.

If your bf couldn't make an allowance in this circumstance, there is no hope. Your parents have got his card marked already.

Ask yourself if you want to be sitting at home with a baby or small children in years to come, waiting for a steaming sack of shit to fall in the door at God knows when.

Good idea. Don’t steer him, see how he is without any direction from you.

I was thinking this too, as the absolute bare minimum, plus flowers as an apology to OP's mum etc. But I am still very wary.

I suspect the OP has been trying to steer this juggernaut all week to achieve this outcome - I doubt it was his idea - as he was blaming her for the first few days.

Leave him to it, his beer, his mates, his curry, his cocaine and his "brasses" are clearly more important to him than you, his supposed significant other.

He's utter scum but OP is determined to see past it.
She will have to learn the hard way.
It's her parents I feel for.
I would be wondering where I went so wrong that my daughter thought this oik was all she deserved.

I would think coke, prostitutes and getting tested for STI's are all going to be in OP's vocabulary in the future.

A walking low life red flag.

Oh dear. There's having a low bar and then there's having none at all.

This bozo must think he's won the girlfriend lottery.

Booking a fancy restaurant won’t fix the problems of his value system. The things he said he can’t unsay them, it’s what he thinks of women and if you think a slick meal and behaving himself is going to impress any parent he can think again- his true colours have been revealed it wasn’t a mistake. It was his true feelings and opinions.

why are you setting your bar so low in a relationship? This is one red flag that will impact your future life.

he is just yuk a fish you need to throw back.

Lots of posters have mentioned it. Very obvious this is what the toilet trips were for at the parents house

I wonder if he was saying it in a ‘my friends are wasters because they do this’ kind of way?

I do think it’s possible for someone to thoughtlessly use problematic language and still be a good person generally. I also think younger people can continue to hang out with morally dubious childhood friends longer than perhaps they should, maybe a misguided loyalty to the past or to the child that that person was?

More fool you OP, more fool you :(

Keep an eye on how he handles conflict / takes responsibility. He’s just blamed his friends and peer pressure for getting drunk even though he’s an adult with free will, and initially blamed you for his behaviour with your parents. Men who have excuses for their shit decisions / behaviour or who blame others will often make their partners miserable.

Get rid of him.

I don’t believe he was actually referring to sex workers as brass, but rather all women as brass…..
I believe he refers to one night stands
as brass, presumably because of the sexist
views I’ve heard from men ‘that sex is never free’…..
due to buying drinks/food etc… respect for women from this next generation is seriously lacking from I’ve read/heard…. And I’m not surprised because so many women put up with it, rather than being alone!

Yup… if he can’t turn down alcohol when he’s meeting important people the next day then OP is being VERY naïve to
believe he turns down ‘brass’… what does she think he does while his mates are shagging whoever?

Christ if it was my daughter I’d be giving him a right grilling/bollocking!!

TBH at this point I think he’s love bombed,
he’s now testing the waters to
see what he can get away with, OP is forgiving him to the extent shes allowing him to meet the parents again… I’d be telling him he isn’t meeting them
ahain till he makes it up to me as a bare minimum…. id be taking a step back though and assessing whether there’s been other flags…. My ex didn’t like my best friend, didn’t like me talking to other men, then didn’t like my older brother who I was close to, then my sister, then little brother… he slowly tried to isolate me, one person at a a time… then it was talk of moving to Ireland …. Another isolation technique….
look out for these signs @MerryLeah …google live bombing, gas lighting, coercive & controlling behaviour…. And analyse his behaviour…he’ll be an Angel next weekend
I'm sure… test one will be done… not only would he have got away with treating you badly and being forgiven, but he’ll also
see how easy it is to suck up to your parents .. when he apologises to them see if he blames you/his friends….
I r whether he actually man’s up and takes full responsibility for a dick and drinking too much!
You’ve said he’s not responsible for his friends actions…. But seem willing to except that they’re responsible for his (peer pressure)… do you really believe he doesn’t cheat when all his mates are if he can’t even say no to shots that HE KNOWS make him ill ?!?

OP said he did mean sex worker.

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Agree!
Hope OP reads this!

What have your DPs said @MerryLeah ?

Do they know why you are all meeting up again so soon?

Have his words and behaviours whilst a guest in their home been brought up with you?

It’s rhyming slang

Brass Nail - Tail.

This is the only correct response he should've had to his own actions. He should've even apologised when he got there for being hungover! My husband has done this once before after big events (e.g. going to family BBQ the day after a wedding) and it's addressed and everyone has a laugh about it.

I always thought it was based on Brass Door - whore which is even more grim.

He’s a manchild

Yeah I spoke to them on Monday and they actually found it rather amusing and felt a bit sorry for him that he needed to visit the toilet so much. They said I shouldn’t have ‘dragged him over’ when it was his friends birthday the day before and are looking forward to meeting him again.