Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

This.

And if the friends use sex workers then that increases the likelihood the bf has too.

is he a fan of the film ‘the football factory’ by any chance? his words about what his mates get up to on a weekend are almost an exact quote from the film, right down to the word ‘brasses.’ i knew a few lads who based their personalities on the film when it first came out, but they were teenagers, not grown men.

Umm just no… get rid

I'd run to the hills.

Let him sleep off the hangover and then have a chat. You say he was incoherent and still a bit drunk at the parents house so he was still all over the place when he said it was your fault. He is absolutely in the wrong about blaming you, but maybe wait and see if he U turns on that when sober. If he doesn't then I agree he isn't a good one.

I think other posters are not getting that he was being critical of his friends when he was talking about the party lifestyle, not condoning it. I really don't know the context of 'brass', if it was meant that his friends use prostitutes then yes, major red flag. But if it's a word meant for sex in that his mates get drunk and look to hook up with girls in nightclubs in the hope of a one night stand then that's different isn't it?

He sounds like an absolute dickhead

Brass unequivocally, 100% means prostitute.

I really don't know the context of 'brass', if it was meant that his friends use prostitutes then yes, major red flag. But if it's a word meant for sex in that his mates get drunk and look to hook up with girls in nightclubs in the hope of a one night stand then that's different isn't it?

I think this is clutching at straws a bit. You’re changing the meaning of the word to fit a different narrative. (And it would also mean he’s calling women prostitutes, which is still a red flag).

The most likely reason your BF acted like this is also the reason he isn’t contrite: sabotage. Men can be revolting dicks, but they’re not (all) stupid. If he’d wanted to make a good impression on your parents, he would have done - turning up sober and being polite is not hard. My money says he fucked it spectacularly on purpose.

Either way, he’s a dick and he needs to get in the bin.

True. To be clear I'm not taking the boyfriends side here! It was definitely unacceptable, especially blaming op. I just know some people who wouldn't love being asked about their friends work, but the question. Really isn't a big deal.

Yes I agree. He's been awful and he should be shaking with hangover fear about what a bad impression he made not blaming you

He'll only keep doing it forever

He's a wanker.

What the heck? Get rid. Hopefully you can laugh about it one day. Shocking behaviour.

Argh, sorry for the typos.

I think the behaviour was poor, him blaming you is unacceptable. Really though his comment about “brass” makes him at best an idiot and at worst a John. I wouldn’t consider this relationship long term.

he's not though is he, if he's blaming OP for arranging it on a date he agreed to.

He sounds really immature - it'd be game over for me

This is not a keeper. Throw this one back. can’t see how this is recoverable and will cause aggro in future.

Agree with this.

Is he impressing you?

Yeah to be honest I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship over this. Its the fact he can't manage himself on a night out to still show up in good form to something important the next day. Its the fact that he's raised the question as to how important this was to HIM knowing it was important to you. It's also the idea he's talking about his mates using sex workers on a night out like it's nothing - would seriously make me query his own attitude to this - alcohol lowers inhibitons it doesn't create a full personality transplant. And most importantly, the fact he tried to blame you when this is so clearly 100% on him. Those are all individually red flags but combined it's a grim picture of things to come.

You read all the time on here about women who's partners have been too hungover to wake up for their kids birthdays, or other important plans. I honestly think men generally do what they want to do- if something is important to them they prepare accordingly and show up as they mean to. So in that respect, I think he's shown you quite clearly how important this was to him. If he'd come back after and wised up and been humiliated and deeply apologetic I could have had a modicum of sympathy but blaming you for his cock up and subsequently horrible behaviour is actually just worrying.

You say you don't live together op. Honestly I'd be tempted to throw this one back. He's handled this badly from start to finish but it kind of feels like that's because he didn't really care.

He could have just took an imodium before he left in the afternoon.

"Brass". I've learned sth new today.

He said his friends drink beer, eat curry and pay for sex?!

I would 100% judge him by the company he keeps. Lie down with dogs and you get fleas.
Dumpity dump. You can do better.