Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

You have savvy parents. This is exactly what I would say to my child in the same situation - i.e. anything to ensure no wedge was driven between us or make it harder for my child to later admit they'd made a horrible mistake.

To be very blunt in a way your parents can't be, however, I would be hoping that fact dawned on my child sooner rather than later, and certainly before they became shackled to this specimen via a child!

Well I hope that's their game plan. I wouldn't want to meet him again.

Why is OP so desperate to hang on to this loser?

So they think it’s funny if a bloke has mates who use sex workers and calls them brasses, and also blame you for a man’s behaviour as he can’t possibly be expected to control himself when it comes to drinking despite being in his 30s? It sounds like their bar for men is very low and that has been passed on to you. I’m sorry they don’t expect more from your partners. You deserve more from a man.

So @MerryLeah the issues around his friendship group regularly using sex workers and his misogynistic use of slang 'brass' - was never actually addressed ? Just the 'hangover'...... he is apologising and making amends for?

Are you happy with that?

Oh, in that case, everything should be fine!

No need to concern yourself with his problem drinking, lad behaviour, dodgy friends who see sex workers so frequently he can casually use the term "brass" in front of strangers he is meant to be impressing (though of course you can absolutely trust that he would never use these services).

No cause for concern around his probable cocaine use.

Nothing to worry about with the lack of remorse, responsibility for his actions, and turning it around and blaming it all on you - that won't escalate at all!

Sounds like a catch:

1. He turned up hungover to an important first meeting with your parents despite knowing about it for ages ahead of time.
2. He casually referred to his friends using prostitutes, as if that's perfectly acceptable behaviour (and these are the type of people he wants to spend time with!)

See, this is why I don't buy the whole "some men hide their true selves until after marriage/kids" or "anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship".

Sure in some very rare, exceptional circumstances that can be true, but more often than not there have been glaring red flags all along.

The OP is ignoring all advice and all common sense. She then should take responsibility for her choices when things inevitably go to shit. She shouldn't (but probably will) say several years down the line that she was lied to, her bf tricked her etc etc.

If people make stupid choices, then my sympathy is limited.

You write @Thatsalineallrightthat @MerryLeahis ignoring all advice and all common sense and she then should take responsibility for her choices when things inevitably go to shit.

I agree.

100%. What is it about some women that make them so desperate to cling on to these loser men? Low esteem, bad parental modelling, societal expectation, what is it? Generally speaking men don't put up with shit like this in relationships. I bet if OP was meeting the boyfriends parents, had turned up at his house absolutely bladdered the night before, kept disappearing for a snort in his mums toilet during dinner then proceeded to tell his parents all her mates loved getting bladdered at the weekend and fucking male escorts she'd have been booted out of the house there and then. And rightly so. Because you'd know there and then that this is not someone you'd want to be in a long term relationship with, right? Definitely not someone you'd consider marrying and having a family with. Bearing in mind, these are not kids in their late teens or early 20s that are still maturing, these are adults in their 30s. Yet here we are with an OP that is oh so impressed because this idiot has managed to book a restaurant to try and make amends. It's really sad.

The Parents are saints then and probably only humouring him for OP’s sake. Not directing this at OP directly because she either won’t be back or will give a smug update of how wonderfully it went. All I know is if 600 odd people had told me my bf was a walking red flag, I’d be doing some serious reflection, certainly not heading into meet the parents round 2. Rose tinted glasses on I fear.

But pigs might fly and he might finally learn how to act right. In his 30’s…

But pigs might fly and he might finally learn how to act right. In his 30’s…

No that won't happen because after 15 years of this lifestyle he is likely very entrenched / addicted to his way of living.

Note that the OP said she had spoken with her DPs on the Monday - seemingly he didnt have the courage, courtesy or conviction to pick up the phone to apologise for his gross words and behaviour despite their hospitality - sounds like he has been strong armed into the re-match meal out and no words have been or will be used to address his language - just all minimising it as 'nervous' and ignoring the elephant in to room.

He has not tried to do so something fairly normal to make you happy. He didn't try just looked for excuses and passed the blame to you. He is responsible for his own actions. You are not responsible for nor control his actions. You are being kind and understanding but that has to stop. He is throwing you excuses and explanations to minimise his behaviour. Fine for a short term fling but not so much for a long term relationship and settling down. He may be sweet and a model boyfriend for a period but will revert to form

You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
Don’t set your bar so low @MerryLeah

Tbh OP's parents don't seem that upset with him and neither is OP - maybe in their circles this sort of behaviour isn't as frowned upon as some of us assume/expect.

…Said nobody ever

OP I think it shows lack of respect.
you gave him a chance to change the date… MORE THEN ONCE!!
I am only 40 but I think respect from a partner for you and your parents in a relationship is everything

Omg early 30’s?

I thought he was like 20!

Run a mile.

Your parents sadly seem to have a low bar for you too. Was your Dad like your boyfriend when he was younger and they think this is acceptable behaviour? I only ask as sometimes women pick men who have similar qualities to their Dad as that's the example they grew up with as being 'normal'. I certainly did, my normal was my Dad who treated his wife/my mum with great respect, was super involved with his children from the start and had good solid friends, hard working etc, and my DH has all these qualities too.

Or are they worried about upsetting you/pushing you further towards him if they show their true opinions?

This! ⬆️

What a twat. I read your post & was thinking late teens, early 20s but when you said 30s....nope. Bin him.

Oh jeez. I have adult daughters and I usually say bring home the boyfriend early in the relationship as once they're in the door you can see how they fit or don't fit into the family dynamic. A lot of them fail like yours has. My daughter didn't listen and now ten years later has the most unhappy relationship with a man and they have a young child. Parents are parents for a reason if they think he's an arsehole then he most DEFINITELY is. Get rid and sharpish before they lose sleep and all respect for your judgement. Why children don't take the guidance of their parents is beyond me if they're reasonable people.

Yup. This man needs a one way ticket to Dumpsville

Best of luck @MerryLeah

Cripes, he saw you coming didn’t he? 😆

Enjoy your cokey boyfriend OP.

You are ignoring huge red flags and making excuses here OP, as so many women do. He isn’t a good man and it’s a shame you can’t see that you deserve better. if your parents are good parents, I bet they are very concerned but keeping the peace at the moment so that you will go to them when this man child fucks up again. If your parents are genuinely amused by him, then they are terrible parents.

Good luck because you will almost definitely need it.