Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Prostitute.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

what would you have liked him to do?
EDIT, i now see there are pages of this and you are ok as he has apologised.
best of luck op

The issue is the manipulating and gaslighting. Telling you it's your fault he made a bad impression?! You gave him the option to rearrange multiple times. He is an adult, who knew he was meeting your parents the next day. Can he not control how much he drinks? For a man in his 30s, it's not good enough. Then trying to flip it on you.

Yous are only together 6 months, still a new relationship. When someone shows you their red flags, believe it.

It's not what he did that's the major problem (although he did act like a dick and you'd have to think about whether you'd want to put up with that behaviour in the future) but the fact that he fired it back on you. Huge turn off for me.

If he's like this with first impressions and this early on in the relationship, think about what he's going to be like I've he's comfortable 🤷🏼‍♀️

All men say they've never been with a sex worker and yet somehow there is still a market for it.

The fact he ever had these friends and these......"interests" as you call them, says something extremely unsavoury about his character.

You're not being unreasonable you gave him many outs and he chose to get that drunk and keep the date if he hasn't accepted responsibility within 24 hours I'd see it as a warning to get out now he will never prioritise you or children you have in the future x

If you had a daughter and her new boyfriend told you that all his mates enjoy paying to have sex with prostitutes, would you want her to continue to date him?

OP this post is worth reading again, however you might want to excuse the rest of his behaviour this aspect of his behaviour will never change

They wont have an impression of him from one time meeting him.

My first time meeting my inlaws was preeeety rocky but they love me like im their own daughter now they know me and weve been together 20 years this July 🙂. I swear they love me more than their own daughter 🤣. Ive definitely made a fool of myself on more than one occasion too over the years 🙈 even as a nearly 30 year old at the time i made a bad call of judgement on what was our first borns first birthday 🙈.

Just maybe make sure he's not been out the night before next time 😅.

I don’t blame your parents for thinking very poorly of him. They probably are worried and disappointed with good reason.

If you expect better in life then dump him and tell him why. Raise your standard.

This is probably the beginning of the end of the relationship.... pull the plaster off quick..

Yes

Get rid!
Stop wasting your time with this prat!
Far better fish in the sea!

Early 30s? For feck sake I was married with 5 kids at that age. He should have taken meeting your parents very seriously if he gave a shit about you. Especially in his bloody 30s. If he still goes out on the lash and gets on like this next day, he's not marriage material. Ditch and move on. Too much time gets wasted on dickheads. Find a man who really cares about you. My husband would never have done something like that.

I expect your parents will be appalled and worried about you after that hideous comment. I know I would be and I'd not be impressed that you're pretending it isn't a big issue. I'd be picturing you trapped at home with tiny children while he meets up with his old pals to drink himself stupid and pay for sex.

He isn’t responsible for what his friends get up to, they are old friends he hardly sees.
So why didn’t he tell your parents about the friends he does see?

The vernacular trips off the tongue easily enough though doesn’t it? What a peach of a man! You can do better op. I’m sure that’s what your parents are thinking anyway.

Another boring coke head. He'd be dumped for a) disappearing to do lines in my parents toilet at Sunday dinner, obvious that was what he was doing b) speaking so revoltingly to my mum and dad. No respect whatsoever c) trying to put the blame on me instead of sincerely apologising for such a fuck up. Total loser. Im sure the worst is yet to come if OP stays with him. Just the beginning of his fuckwit behavior

He not only chose to go that day, but he then chose to drink himself stupid the night before, chose not to pull out when he knew his stomach was not fit to go out socially, chose to say offensive things and not zip his lip but then - worse even than of all the above - accepted no responsibility for his own actions and even blamed you! And you’re still with him?!! Run. Fast

Sounds like a giant manbaby to me... I would never get over that first impression if it were my daughter and I'd be worried about you.

Friends are a reflection of the person. It's unlikely that he is distanced from their morals, including the acceptability of paying for sex.

He’s responsible for the language he uses in front of your parents though isn’t he?

You sound like you are fairly blasé about men using sex workers which is something I would find utterly despicable. His language shows you how he views women, whether you accept that is totally up to you.

He isn’t responsible for his friends choices, however he clearly doesn’t condemn them and has normalised them in his social time. This man clearly has questionable morals when it comes to women and sex. It is so normal for him that he brings it up in conversation to your parents! He at first blames you for this as the timing was off, even though he had multiple chances to cancel.

This man is yuk, he will drag you down.

This seems like an unfortunate misstep, but it does throw up 4 major red flags.

1/ Deciding he would be fine the day after a friends birthday, but drinking shots that he knows don't agree with him, and refusing to postpone looks somewhat like deliberate self sabotage.
2/ He is clearly a lot closer to his old friends than he has led you to believe-otherwise why bring up what they like to do on a Saturday when asked about current friends? Probably the birthday party he went to was one of those old friends he says he is no longer in contact with.
3/ The remark to your parents, particularly the part about prostitutes looks to me like he was determined not to make a good impression- are you sure meeting the parents isn't rather more serious relationship wise than he is looking for?
4/ An inability to accept stupid behaviour was his own fault (whose else could it be?) is a huge red flag for your relationship going forward, I would seriously review the idea of spending any more time on a man who obviously has no interest in a long term committed relationship with you.

I'd be absolutely gutted for you if I was your parents and you had brought this man home. He was an embarrassingly bad guest.

He might be apologetic now but the fact that he behaved like that and used that phrase in front of your parents is absolutely grim, and means it's a totally normal thing to him.