Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

648 replies

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:26

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

OP posts:
ClarityCalls · 29/07/2025 23:03

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/07/2025 22:31

Just reread your update. So, when blaming you didn’t work, he moved on to blaming his friends for “peer pressure “. He’s not properly taken responsibility for his behaviour even now has he? Just think about that.

I always associate peer pressure with teenagers.

hdksolxveu · 29/07/2025 23:09

He sounds gross and immature, and so do his friends.

Snackattacked · 29/07/2025 23:09

Laurmolonlabe · 29/07/2025 22:50

This seems like an unfortunate misstep, but it does throw up 4 major red flags.

1/ Deciding he would be fine the day after a friends birthday, but drinking shots that he knows don't agree with him, and refusing to postpone looks somewhat like deliberate self sabotage.
2/ He is clearly a lot closer to his old friends than he has led you to believe-otherwise why bring up what they like to do on a Saturday when asked about current friends? Probably the birthday party he went to was one of those old friends he says he is no longer in contact with.
3/ The remark to your parents, particularly the part about prostitutes looks to me like he was determined not to make a good impression- are you sure meeting the parents isn't rather more serious relationship wise than he is looking for?
4/ An inability to accept stupid behaviour was his own fault (whose else could it be?) is a huge red flag for your relationship going forward, I would seriously review the idea of spending any more time on a man who obviously has no interest in a long term committed relationship with you.

5/ Going to the toilet 3 times during a meal to vomit / evacuate his uncontrollable bowels / snort cocaine - and then return pepped up to talk shit at the dinner table.

JJMama · 29/07/2025 23:20

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:30

Yeah, he said last night he didn’t know why he said it.

@Oasisagiger both early 30’s

Show quote history

6 months - honeymoon period is over. Leave now before you waste more time on this idiot. He’s shown his true colours.

blackbird77 · 29/07/2025 23:33

Huhuhuhu39272 · 29/07/2025 19:46

Oh I forgot

A man who blame shifts and doesn’t own his own words or promises

I can’t believe men like this are even still getting chances. Time for evolution and their removal
from the gene pool.

100% agree. Good ole Sexual Selection. Get men with these traits out of the gene pool so less nonsense genes can be passed down to the next generation.

There’s just so many things wrong with this bloke and what he did that I don’t even know where to start. He would be out my life by doing/saying even 10% of all the things he did wrong in OP’s opening post.

Repulsive numpty.

ellyeth · 29/07/2025 23:45

What would be totally unacceptable to me would be what was allegedly a reference to sex workers - I had not heard the term "brass" before. It shows a complete lack of respect for all women.

I would not even consider marrying such an undisciplined, sexist and overall repulsive person. You would, I think, live to regret it OP.

T1Dmama · 29/07/2025 23:48

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:30

Yeah, he said last night he didn’t know why he said it.

@Oasisagiger both early 30’s

Show quote history

I would say alcohol made him too honest and that they go out on the pull at weekends! I wouldn’t trust him - sorry!

Him blaming you is very gas lightly - unwilling to take responsibility for his poor judgement!

sorry but I wouldn’t be wasting my 30’s on this relationship!!

T1Dmama · 30/07/2025 00:03

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 21:48

Some people do, and move on to bigger and better things.

Others don't, and waste another 5 or 6 years (and the chance to have children with someone decent) before realising that the guy who was already an arsehole at the beginning is still an arsehole.

Show quote history

Yes I stupidly did this twice…. Wasted my 20’s with a walking red flag and my 30’s & early 40’s with someone who should never have settled down and had a child with…. I will be spending my last half of my 40’s happily single….
No regrets as have my wonderful daughter… BUT if I knew back then what I know now I’d have ran at the first sign of selfish or abusive behaviour

Todayismyfavouriteday · 30/07/2025 01:34

Snackattacked · 29/07/2025 09:41

Total ick.

Imagine being in the company of someone who was so hungover they were up and down to the toilet with the shits in your parents home - even actually during the meal - would make me want to vomit. Then use vile misogynistic language about using sex workers like its normal amongst all the other incoherent verbage.

Excrutiating.

The real sadness here is that @MerryLeah is for some reason subjugating her own true feelings and instead doing all she can to minimise, defend, explain and justify this gross individual when there are so many red flags flapping in her face from all parts of his character.

In 5 years she will be back here with a post about the father of her DCs rinsing the family bank account, in debt to the local dealers, losing his job, cant deal with toddlers because of his 'shitty' hangovers, her having an STI from his casual use of sex workers and cant understand why her old friends dont include them socially.

I bet his previous GFs have interesting tales to tell.

Edited
Show quote history

True. I think the OP does not want to see reality, and is trying to justify him at all costs. I agree, she'll be back here in a few years complaining about her loser of a husband and father of her children...

ohnotthisagain2025 · 30/07/2025 02:32

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 22:00

He isn’t responsible for what his friends get up to, they are old friends he hardly sees.

Show quote history

Men who hang around with men who use prostitutes also use prostitutes or at absolute best are fine with whoremongers. Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.

He sounds pretty disgusting overall. If you stay with him, you know exactly what you are getting into.

MagicalMystical · 30/07/2025 02:51

No woman should be with a man who casually denigrates women (calling a sex worker by a slang word).

He keeps shitty company.

He blamed you when you rightly called him on his poor behaviour.

He has somehow made you doubt your timing of the above (when better than in the moment or the very next day?).

thebluehour · 30/07/2025 02:56

He's a vulgar uncouth lad and you are old enough to know better. The fact he spoke like that in front of your parents is astonishing, but even more astonishing that you are rooting about finding excuses for him and what he's said and the attitudes he's displayed by both his speech and behaviour prior to the meet up.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/07/2025 04:22

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 22:00

He isn’t responsible for what his friends get up to, they are old friends he hardly sees.

Show quote history

You have missed the point and not addressed the question. If you are going to defend him why post here for advice when, overwhelmingly, you are told to bin him off?

Firethehorse · 30/07/2025 04:30

You have been told by virtually everyone that he is waving red flags at you and your parents. You won’t listen so why bother posting?
Shockingly disrespectful to your parents, what a low life. Don’t kid yourself about the sex workers, and if he does that fidelity is not on his radar.

AzraiL · 30/07/2025 05:09

You know what they say - if you want to know about a person look at the company they keep.

TheDecorousLarks · 30/07/2025 06:32

This is tough because 5 months is probably where you’re at the peak of lust / romance in a new relationship so I can imagine it must feel almost impossible to end it with him at this point because of such an unexpected thing.

If he is an amazing guy the rest of time and you truly believe he is a genuinely good person perhaps it is ok to let this go but it may be the beginning of the end, where, now the spell has been broken, you start to notice more and more about who he truly is.

While I don’t think parental approval is necessarily that important in a relationship, in this instance, it did seem to bring out another side to this man. Just out of interest, I would arrange another get together with your parents very soon but perhaps something where you do an activity together like hiking or, I dunno, kayaking or something that brings out ones better, more wholesome side and see how that goes!

anytipswelcome · 30/07/2025 07:14

TheDecorousLarks · 30/07/2025 06:32

This is tough because 5 months is probably where you’re at the peak of lust / romance in a new relationship so I can imagine it must feel almost impossible to end it with him at this point because of such an unexpected thing.

If he is an amazing guy the rest of time and you truly believe he is a genuinely good person perhaps it is ok to let this go but it may be the beginning of the end, where, now the spell has been broken, you start to notice more and more about who he truly is.

While I don’t think parental approval is necessarily that important in a relationship, in this instance, it did seem to bring out another side to this man. Just out of interest, I would arrange another get together with your parents very soon but perhaps something where you do an activity together like hiking or, I dunno, kayaking or something that brings out ones better, more wholesome side and see how that goes!

Do you believe a genuinely good man hangs out in a friendship group where paying for sex is normalised?

Do you believe a genuinely good man casually calls sex workers ‘brasses’ in casual conversation?

Genuine questions.

Matriarchofmenopausemansion · 30/07/2025 07:35

Very loud alarm bells should be ringing....get him binned...you will not have a nice life with this apology for a man. You deserve better.

anytipswelcome · 30/07/2025 07:53

Liss19 · 29/07/2025 20:41

They wont have an impression of him from one time meeting him.

My first time meeting my inlaws was preeeety rocky but they love me like im their own daughter now they know me and weve been together 20 years this July 🙂. I swear they love me more than their own daughter 🤣. Ive definitely made a fool of myself on more than one occasion too over the years 🙈 even as a nearly 30 year old at the time i made a bad call of judgement on what was our first borns first birthday 🙈.

Just maybe make sure he's not been out the night before next time 😅.

Have you ever told them that your friends pay for sex? If not, it’s not really very comparable to OP’s situation!

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/07/2025 07:55

TheDecorousLarks · 30/07/2025 06:32

This is tough because 5 months is probably where you’re at the peak of lust / romance in a new relationship so I can imagine it must feel almost impossible to end it with him at this point because of such an unexpected thing.

If he is an amazing guy the rest of time and you truly believe he is a genuinely good person perhaps it is ok to let this go but it may be the beginning of the end, where, now the spell has been broken, you start to notice more and more about who he truly is.

While I don’t think parental approval is necessarily that important in a relationship, in this instance, it did seem to bring out another side to this man. Just out of interest, I would arrange another get together with your parents very soon but perhaps something where you do an activity together like hiking or, I dunno, kayaking or something that brings out ones better, more wholesome side and see how that goes!

Is this badly written ChatGPT?

AuntMarch · 30/07/2025 08:00

Parental approval isn't necessarily a deal breaker no, sometimes personalities just clash. The lack of respect shown to both the parents and to OP herself to show up to the first meeting hunging out of his arse and talking about prostitutes still absolutely should be.

Raining12345 · 30/07/2025 09:13

When someone shows you who they are, believe them....

Imbusytodaysorry · 30/07/2025 09:36

@MerryLeah wow can’t believe he said that to your parents. hell no .
You need to end this you can do much much better .

Boomer55 · 30/07/2025 09:40

QuantumLevelActions · 28/07/2025 15:30

What does 'a brass' mean?

I've looked it up but still unsure in this context.

Prostitute. (or sex worker, as they’re called now).

Original poster
MerryLeah · 30/07/2025 11:11

He has arranged to meet my parents for a meal out next weekend, he has suggested and booked the venue. I’ve been so impressed with how he has handled this since the weekend, of course I wish the initial meeting went went well, but I can only judge on actions going forward and I’m so glad I called him out as he’s now acting so mature and wants to make amends.

OP posts: