Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Um.

I've only scanned the thread but I've read all your posts.

Well.

At least this:

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

And next time you have reason to think he has unrealistic good intentions about his own self-restraint and ability to withstand peer pressure, bonhomie and alcohol all at the same time, don't book him in for anything important.

Good luck. Perfectly acceptable specimens have done worse, and I hope your parents will be able to reset their view of him.

I'll say he doesn't regard you at all. He knew he was meeting your parents the next day, yet he intentionally gulped things that he knew would upset his stomach? You see dear OP, sometimes when men are not interested in commitments, they intentionally screw up very clearly, expecting you to use your common sense and walk away, they won't break up with you directly as they don't want their names to come up as the "evil one". It's something I've seen again and again, but guess what my gender does all the time? Make excuses, keep the man that is not interested in been kept but too cowardly to boldly walk away.
He did what he did intentionally, he's not a child, yes he would gaslight you if you try to walk away, but he will be glad you did.

These things are not difficult, a man who wants you will try all he can to impress your even friends & colleagues, how much more your parents? I hope you do not excuse this red banner, it is beyond red flag, it is a red banner. Take it as your cue and walk away.
And should we talk about flipping the blame on you?
Would he drink overnight if an external supervisor will show up at work the next day?
And the comments he made to your parents were not accident, they were deliberate, he is just hoping they'll see it and tell you to call it quit.

I hope you make the right decision OP.

warm hugs

I sincerely hope the venue doesn't serve alcohol....

But more than that, I hope he stays home and doesn't drink the day/night before.

So the ‘blaming you’ was a defence to you telling him off? I wouldn’t read too much into that.

This is a very much improved way for him to respond.

However, he is still blaming his friends for being 'peer pressured' into drinking so much rather than taking responsibility for his own actions (he could have said "no" or left saying he had an important first meeting with your parents the following day).

And with regards to "He also said he was wrong to blame me when we spoke yesterday and to be fair to him, it was the wrong time for me to bring it up the day after".
With regards to whether it was you, or him who is saying it was the wrong time for you to bring it up the following day; if it was him saying that, he's still not taking responsibility for his actions and if it's you saying it, then you are making excuses for his appalling behaviour and suggesting you should be tip-toeing around him when he's hung-over and been behaving like a d1ck.

Either way, whilst it's definitely an improvement (and I've read the comment he's booked a meal out for you and your parents to make amends, which is also a positive sign) there are still definitely huge red flags you should be aware of.

I hope the meal out with your parents goes well and his apologise are accepted and his recent behaviour is a 'one-off' and you go on to have a happy relationship.

What in the In-betweeners is happening here 😱? The fact that he couldn't stay off the shots for one night and stayed out later than he planned, makes me think that he is easily influenced and will leave me wondering what else he would do to appease his friends.

I would be. Massive Red Flag to even mention his friends use prostitutes.

Yep I was surprised nobody else had mentioned it too! (Don’t use it but know enough people who do to recognise it).

Football, alcohol, coke and hookers is a cliche for a reason. It’s very common with a certain type of adult man (and they don’t grow out of it - I have met men in their 50s still doing this). Whoever mentioned Football Factory was right - men who see that film as something to aspire to (not saying they actually are football hooligans, just that they admire the film).

Your standards are incredibly low - he didn't spill his wine and make a mess of the tablecloth, he was obnoxious to your parents, very rude to you, and there's a really good chance he spends his Saturdays getting drunk and using prostitutes, and was quite likely taking coke in your parents bathroom during his toilet breaks.

You're writing about him now as if he's a little boy who's said sorry nicely - he's booked a restaurant all by himself!

Please don't settle for him, you are worth so much more, your parents should not have to swallow down a fake apology for your sake. If you have kids with him, you're picking an awful father.

And get an STI test.

Quite a few of us have mentioned the coke. The OP has ignored that suggestion. I even used the word cliche in my post.

Thats exactly who he is footy, alcohol, coke and 'brass' - running his mouth off at the ILs, repeatedly snorting and shitting in their bathroom on a Sunday afternoon. I feel like I need a wash just writing that. Sadly I knew many of these types - lives imploded in their 40s - hideous fall out for the wives and young children.

I would put him to the test OP - enourage him to go out with this lot or you take him out the night before you meet the parents and see if he gets bladdered.

I couldn’t move past the brass comment in front of your parents.

If he’d have spoken about his friends on your first date and said they all like getting ‘brasses’ would you have had a second date OP? Regardless of him saying it in front of your parents, which makes it even worse, doesn’t that bother you? It seems mad to me that your bar is this low.

Have you ever asked him if he takes coke recreationally? I’d be surprised if not based on everything you’ve said before.

Nice blokes don’t hang around with punters. Nice blokes don’t call sex workers “brasses”. Nice blokes don’t get off their face and blame their mates leading them astray… in their 30s.

Dont you want to be with a nice bloke OP?

Please let us know how the meal goes!

A one night stand

Hang on… did he just admit to your parents (and you!!) that his friends see sex workers? Even worse.. did he? Or does he?

Hope he's footing the bill!

I hope it goes well and he is genuinely contrite but please, if there are any more incidents that make you question him, then don’t ignore the warnings.

You have pretty low standards if you are impressed by him just booking a restaurant and are willing to overlook him being in a hungover mess at your parents, most likely taking coke in the bathroom and casually talking about his friends using prostitutes.

I'd be doing your parents a favour and sparing them another round with this loser.

Nor me. And if I were your mother or father OP, he wouldn't enter my house again, and I wouldn't accept a dinner from him.

Good luck op. Your blinkers are starting to come off so see how it goes. Dont rush to put him at ease at the restaurant - let him lead the chat. See how he really is

"I’ve been so impressed with how he has handled this since the weekend"
With respect, you are easily impressed.

"I can only judge on actions going forward"
Actually you can judge on past actions too.

"he’s now acting so mature and wants to make amends"
'Acting' is right. He's slipped the mask back on, after showing you his true face. Plus, had he not behaved so poorly before, there would be no amends to make.

@MerryLeah, it's clear that you want to sweep this all under the carpet, and that is your choice. But it's really not in your best interests to kid yourself about your boyfriend. Right now you've only wasted six months on him. You're in your early 30s, plenty of time left if you want children. But if you waste five years on him because you keep putting the blinkers on, and by then you're heading towards 40, you might panic and stick with him even though you know he's a wrong 'un. It would be far better for your future to accept that he's a wrong 'un now.

This - know your worth OP ! 🚩🚩

Has he already contacted your DPs and apologised to them - or does he expect his non-verbal booking a restaurant to suffice as an apology?

"he’s now acting so mature" lol wonder how long he'll keep this act up for.

I am amazed your parents are willing to meet him again