Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Fucking hell, what an idiot thing to say to anyone's parents - nevermind your actual girlfriend's!!

Also, please bear in mind that if this is actually what his mates get up to, then there is a more than likely chance that he does too.

Sounds like a twat!

Don't waste any more of your precious fertility years on him- if you want a family.

Clearly, there's only one way out of this.

You must get even.

When you go to meet his parents, pull down your knickers and make poo-poo noises at their dinner table.

Then tell him it's his fault, as he didn't clarify the difference between their dining room and their toilet.

Yep. You got there before me. This is exactly what happened IMHO.

Also coke and sex-workers is such a cliche - and he had 'mentionitis'

OP you need to kick this man into touch.

He’s an idiot and it sounds like he kept getting up to do drugs. Did he eat much?

"lookcobwebs" is the boyfriend in question.

If he's like this when he should be on his best behaviour, what is he going to be like at his worst?

He is responsible for the language he uses to describe victims of prostitution. He is responsible for his behaviour in front of your parents. He is responsible for his decision to get absolutely blootered at his night out.

You raising this afterwards is entirely acceptable, not sure why you think otherwise? Again, huge red flag is him blaming you, but you’re ignoring it being flagged up.

He isn't responsible for what his friends get up to but he is responsible for feeling the need to tell OPs parents what his friends get up to upon his first meeting with them.

Your dad asked what his "friends" do. Why would he bring up old friends he doesn't see?

I think his excuses don't add up and he sounds like an immature dick that's not interested in a serious relationship.

He sounds awful. I would be mortified if this was my boyfriend and he said the word brass to my parents

They don’t dump for stuff like this but they should.

A man who can be disrespectful in front on my parents like this is a man who has no respect for me. In the bin he goes. Red flags are meant to be a sign to walk - not a sign for a second chance.

He is 100% responsible for what his friends get up to. He can't change their actions, obviously, but he's the one deciding to be friends with them. That's on him. Personally I judge people on who they hang out with - one of the reasons my DH and I clicked is I like his friends. It showed me he had good standards.

Look at you parroting his latest attempt to blame you “it was the wrong time to bring it up”.

You are very very gullible and this will not end well. Look up DARVO.

So why, when asked about his friends did he mention old friends he never sees?

How does that make sense?

I feel sorry for your parents having to tolerate him in their house. They must also be devastated that their daughter is wasting her time with this sort of person.

So when your Dad asked him what his friends did, why did he describe the behaviour of a group of men he hardly ever sees? Why not his actual friends?

I think you are making a big mistake in letting this go - it's only been a few months, you don't really know him or his friends, or what he gets up to on a Saturday night when you're not around.

He's apologised - belatedly - because you're pissed off, and he wants to keep you on rotation.

And why the hell do you think you were wrong to call him out on the day? He behaved appalling, because he had a hangover, even though you gave him the opportunity to cancel. And you're to blame for what - hurting his feelings for complaing that he made no effort with your parents? Talked about getting drunk and using prostitutes at the weekend? Though not him, just his friends, but not his actual friends, lads he doesn't see anymore.

Please kick him to the kerb - you're giving him a green light to stop pretending that he isn't a misogynistic dick. And get an STD test - if his friends use prostitues, you can be sure he does too.

He doesn’t sound great, OP. He sounds … basic. I’d bin him off and raise the standards.

Wow! Dump and run. I was reading and thought brass was slang for betting on horses- that was bad enough. I don’t think your parents will ever be able to wipe this from their memory. What a d**k!

He said he got carried away with his friends and shouldn’t have been peer pressured but it’s a huge lesson learnt.

So he told your parents that these friends do curry, booze and sex workers on a Saturday.....and he was out with them the night before on a big birthday bender - "he got carried away and peer pressured" ..... did he get peer pressured into the 'booze' and 'sex-workers' ?

He was also 100% doing coke at your parents house.

Unforgivable OP.
Disrespectful of you and disrespectful of your parents. There would be no way back from this for me.

He sounds a bit thick and immature. Any redeeming qualities apart from being male?

Jesus fucking Christ. He’s disgusting.

What on earth company were you in to be hearing middle aged men using that term when you were a teen? I’m in my early 60s, working class and have never heard that term before this thread.