Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Actually your dad gives me the ick. Who asks someone what work their friends do 😂

Did he think this anecdote would charm your parents? Make them think highly of him? See him as a loveable rogue? Find him edgy and plain speaking?

He had one job and that was to reassure your parents that he's a good un.

And he blew it.

I would be mortified. He can't come back from this.

Absolutely 💯 this.

You don’t even know the man. You are forming an opinion based on a post on the internet by a stranger. You have no context of the rest of their lives and relationship, just this one off event. The op has said there have been no other red flags.

Do I think he behaved well? No, absolutely not. I would have been upset and disappointed too (see, I do have standards!)

However I also don’t believe that all humans are infallible all of the time. He made a mistake. He was hungover, possibly still pissed and talking rubbish. He made a bad first impression. While I’d read him the riot act, if it were generally a good relationship otherwise and he was sorry then I wouldn’t be ending it. You maybe would but that doesn’t mean you’re a better person with higher standards.

I am in my 50s and have literally never heard a man speak like this. It is utterly gross and such a turn off, OP. Please get an STI check as a precaution.

Yes, the OP can always choose to have a low bar and live in the gutter.

My educated guess is that he was horribly hungover and thought he'd sort himself out by having a couple of lines. Hence him disappearing off to the toilet every 5 mins and spouting truly inappropriate shit to your mum and dad.

Why tell your parents about them and their use of prostitutes? That "brass" remark alone would mean he's not welcome in my house. My husband would be the same.

Im just divorcing someone who is a big drinker. The fact he was out the night before and this was quite a big milestone in your relationship and he couldnt rein himself in to not drink loads is quite concerning. Hes early 30s. Personally for me, its a no. They dont change not through settling down, marriage or starting a family.

You’re not coming across as classy as you clearly think you are with comments like that to be honest.

Getting on your high horse just because someone hasn’t ended a relationship on the say-so of a bunch of irate MNers doesn’t make you superior. HTH.

This was my thought too. If you’re meeting the parents for the first time surely, as a man in his 30s, he would not have got blind drunk the night before. Sounds like he hasn’t grown out of laddish behaviour.

Yet he felt the need to tell your parents about these old friends.

I feel so sorry for your parents.
They must be so disappointed that you would settle for such a tosser.

And what about this part? "and him being so blasé about it that he calls sex workers brasses and uses the term in front of your parents?"

Your poor parents will be praying you don't marry this fella, or get knocked up by him. And give it however many years and you'll be wishing you'd listened to the advice on here, while you're struggling to separate from this twat and becoming a single mother.

When you realised he had a birthday drinks the night before, you offered to change the dates.
BUT THEN
"He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early."

Absolutely Adamant.. your words. Think about that for a minute OP. You could see immediately that it wasn't a good idea and then he INSISTED that it was..
He was showing off. He can handle his drink. He wouldn't be drinking heavily and even if he did he'd be fine the next day.. and he would be SO GLAD to use it as an excuse to come home early.

So did he have one pint too many?
No he had shots.. the quickest, most effective way to get steaming drunk and feel terrible the next day, shots.. he had so many shots that as he said himself it irritated his stomach.. etc. TMI. So either his "friends" were egging him on and he couldn't at 30+ stand up to them.. or he just has no control and no way of stopping once he starts drinking.

So what does that show you about his behaviour? You saw a problem and wanted to avoid it.. He then was Adamant that it wasn't a problem and that he could handle it...Except he couldn't and he didn't. ..

Now apply that behaviour to things in the future.
You can see where a situation might be difficult...
but he's so confident in his manly abilities and stubborn that he will argue the opposite and go ahead with his unworkable plan, which he then screws up (basically as you predicted) .
Having screwed up, he then blames his failings on you and gaslights you saying well you made me do it.. even though you told him not to.

It is a very very clear behaviour pattern. At the very least he is completely unreliable. At worst he's an alcoholic gaslighter.

How are you going to feel when that happens over and over again?

I mean he sounds like a right catch - not!!!

get rid

Yeah but he's not sorry. He's blaming her.

He wasn't even supposed to get pissed at all, in the first place! He assured OP he wouldn't and he would even have an excuse for an early night!

He didn't prioritise his meeting with her parents, so forget the parental dinner, he fucked up the night before, before he even met them! He showed OP he wasn't desperate to impress her parents and she and her parents weren't at all even a priority. Bad move! That alone is enough reason to throw him away, even before he even met her parents!

I'm 62 from working class background and never heard it before today.

Oh, he's disgusting. Get rid. Why would you want to pursue a relationship with a 30- year-old teenager ? Not to mention the ' brass' comment...ick Can you imagine having children with this man??

It's simple - he just isn't that into you. He would have made an effort for a milestone in your relationship. Did he buy flowers or any other small gift for your parents? How was he hoping to make a good first impression?

Don't waste any more of your precious fertility years on him- if you want a family. He has clearly shown who he is and what he really thinks of you and the relationship.

So he's blaming you for his actions when he had plenty of notice to attend something that was very important to you?
He'd be single after he'd said that to me
Raise your bar OP

He is a pig I'd dump him. Behaving like this in his 30s and then blaming you.
LTB.

No he’s not responsible for what they get up to, but he is responsible for his choice of friends (even if they’re friends he sees less frequently now, he still sees them).

I have heard of "brass" but not for years. I remember some of the older men in my first job using it, this was 30 years ago, they'd have been 50+ at the time so they'd be in their 80s now. You used to hear it on old TV shows like Minder and the Sweeney.

"We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.
He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying."

Are you sure it was the beer that perked him up enough to talk rubbish and not a few lines of coke after his frequent loo visits?