Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Ok. Read the whole thread. You’re very forgiving, OP. 😑

He wasn't making a lot of sense. He referred to his friends using prostitutes (in his first meeting with your parents)

Do you realise that this wasn't just alcohol related?

I thought “peer pressure”‘usually ends around 13? Anyone over that age succumbing to peer pressure is absolutely pathetic.

Ew. Throw this subpar specimen back. His true colours are very poor. Raise the bar OP.

Do you believe as @Snackattackeddoes that “…….He was also doing coke at your parents house.” ? @MerryLeah

Then why are these the friends he decided to talk about when your dad asked about his friends??

You said he has a wide circle of friends, why didn’t he talk about other people who he is actually friends with?

Can you hear the excuses you are making up for him?

Total ick.

Imagine being in the company of someone who was so hungover they were up and down to the toilet with the shits in your parents home - even actually during the meal - would make me want to vomit. Then use vile misogynistic language about using sex workers like its normal amongst all the other incoherent verbage.

Excrutiating.

The real sadness here is that @MerryLeah is for some reason subjugating her own true feelings and instead doing all she can to minimise, defend, explain and justify this gross individual when there are so many red flags flapping in her face from all parts of his character.

In 5 years she will be back here with a post about the father of her DCs rinsing the family bank account, in debt to the local dealers, losing his job, cant deal with toddlers because of his 'shitty' hangovers, her having an STI from his casual use of sex workers and cant understand why her old friends dont include them socially.

I bet his previous GFs have interesting tales to tell.

It's in the thread title!? And also here: When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

And massively concerning in someone over 30!

Truth is he’s still ‘laddish’ when anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence has grown out of it.

Iam.in my 50s I've heard of it, Americans call them broads

Broads were just women surely, like ‘birds’ in the UK circa 1960/70s. Frank Sinatra called women broads in his movies, they weren’t prostitutes/sex workers.

He isn’t responsible for what his friends get up to, they are old friends he hardly sees.

So why are these the ones he decided to talk to your dad about rather than ones he does see regularly?

Yes, I agree with this. A broad was just a woman. I'm Irish and never heard of a brass meaning prostitute. Sounds very region-specific to my ears.

Yes, I’m a Londoner and have never heard of the expression.

Can you imagine your parents innocently asking what that is and your bf says Oh it’s a sex worker! I mean how crass can a 30 something man be on his first (or any) visit to his gf’s parents house. You’d spend your life dreading social occasions not just with family but with your work colleagues, with your friends, I can’t stand people you can’t take anywhere for the fear of them showing you up.

What a disgusting pig. I’d get rid. In fact I would have asked him to leave my parents house immediately after that comment.

This clown has no idea how to behave in front of people, no filter, no respect for the company he’s in. Worst of all he’s a cokehead, a bloke who likes to get pissed at football games with his mates and someone who almost definitely uses or has used prostitutes along with his mates. Frequently. In the best case scenario he’s just friends with people who do all this but generally people aren’t friends with people unless their values align.

I’d be giving him his P45 sharpish. Gross.

I'm under 40 (just)- I don't remember not knowing the term. About 90 mins south of London here.

This!

I’m south London and remember the term brass but not heard it for years

I've heard the word 'brass' used for prostitutes on TV cop programmes.

From the OP:

"This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early."

"When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled."

You gave him multiple chances to not visit your parents that day, from weeks before the visit to the morning of the visit. He insisted on going, on that date, and then blamed you for the "stupid choice of date" - despite you having been the one to point that out in the first place.

This is a very big insight into his character. He will wave your thoughts away, and then blame you when what you raised comes to pass. Can you really not see what a huge red flag that is? And in my opinion, him saying today that "he was wrong to blame me when we spoke yesterday" doesn't make it any better. His default reaction will always be to pass the blame - HIS blame - onto someone else.

"He said he got carried away with his friends and shouldn’t have been peer pressured but it’s a huge lesson learnt."
So these friends, who "he grew up with from secondary school, but barely socialises with now" can exercise peer pressure over him to make him drink heavily with them when his plan was to not, and can exercise peer pressure over him to make him keep drinking with them when his plan was to be home early - but they definitely cannot, in any way shape or form, exercise peer pressure over him to visit prostituted women with them?

Red flags spotted:

1. Does not take responsibility for his own decisions, blames someone else
2. Easily succumbs to peer pressure, even from those he barely socialises with
3. Lies

Every one of them is a dealbreaker on its own.

you deserve a much better boyfriend OP - dump him.

It really, really wasn't the wrong time to bring it up, the next day. Don't you go trying to blame yourself.

ALL of this is on him. All of it. His trying to evade responsibility immediately afterwards is an awful indication for the future.

What's London got to do with it, I know what a brass is and I am from no where near london

I think someone said it was Cockney rhyming slang. Anyway I live in sw London and have never heard it.

Imo he sounds like he was still absolutely pissed from the night before and hopefully hes pretty remorseful and embarrassed about how he behaved at your parents.
My advice would be to give him a proper bollocking and from now on keep an eye out for similar behaviour.
Good luck!