Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

This is why when I read the threads on here from women who are complaining about their shitty men I have no sympathy and just want to slap them.
Because I never believe it when they say things were fine and he changed.
The man is always a shit from the start and they are so desperate for a man they ignore what's in front of them.

Me neither. It's what they used to say in "the Sweeney" about 50 years ago.

In case no-one has mentioned it in the thread it's cockney rhyming slang for prostitute. Brass door - whore.

"My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback."

@MerryLeah If he doesnt socialise with these people any more, why are they the ones that come to mind when asked about friends?

I had no idea that brass slang meant sex worker. Personally I wouldn’t associate with anyone I knew did this by association!

Your boyfriend sounds exceptionally immature. If I were your parents, I would be hoping your relationship doesn’t last much longer. He has red flags coming out of every orifice.

I get, completely, that we can all get carried away on a night out but he’s not even accepting responsibility for that - it’s peer pressure, it’s his mates.

Peer pressure is a decent excuse when you’re 15 and drinking cider in the park. It’s not so good when you’re a grown man.

You are the company you keep and it’s obvious the company he keeps is of a poor standard. So it really depends how high or low your own standards are to whether you think this one’s a ‘keeper’.

Think about the next time he’s in the company of your family. Will you feel relaxed or stressed in case he shows his real self again.

Just reread your update. So, when blaming you didn’t work, he moved on to blaming his friends for “peer pressure “. He’s not properly taken responsibility for his behaviour even now has he? Just think about that.

What do you like so much about him that him saying that to your parents who he was meeting for the first time is excusable? I mean “don’t mention your friends use prostitutes” is hardly something you’d usually have to ask for.

I want to shake you! You 👏 can 👏 do 👏 better!

You missed one
🚩Uses prostitutes or at best hangs out with men who do

I haven’t read the full thread but I’d bet my wages that someone at some point will have told OP to ‘raise her bar’ - such a go-to phrase when any OP doesn’t immediately LTB over any minor indiscretion.

I do think he behaved poorly and I hope that if/when he next meets your parents he will do a lot of charming and grovelling to make up for this performance. However unless there are other issues in the relationship or he pulls a stunt like this again I’d probably let it go. Hopefully if it all works out it’s something you can all laugh about in time.

This isnt going to work out. No need to sort it. He will forever blame you for his inaequacies.

Cut him loose find a better man x

Oh ha, ha, ha, ha. Blimey you've got low standards.

If I were the OP's mother , having heard the "brass" comment I wouldn't have him back in my house.

This isnt going to work out. No need to sort it. He will forever blame you for his inaequacies.

Cut him loose find a better man x

I know! Can't believe I missed that one

You also need to raise YOUR bar

And BINGO. Someone has a different point of view so of course that makes you far more superior to them. So, so predictable.

We haven’t long met dd’s boyfriend (thankfully he came across as an amazing guy, respectful, kind, polite and obviously adores dd) and if even one of the list of things your boyfriend did had happened then dd would have been warned off him.

Nope, but I do have standards and I wouldn't lower them for this scumbag.

The thing is, there are plenty of men who do go out and get pissed, use coke, eat curry and shag prostitutes on a saturday night. But they'd have the social awareness not to feel the need to mention it the first time they are meeting their significant others parents.

I said YABU because from what you've posted, it sounds to me like your boyfriend showed himself to your parents to be exactly what he is. You should probably get rid of him, hon. Good luck.

Surely, you wouldn't hang out with people if your values didn't align, somewhat loosely. Honestly, if my children brought someone like this home, I would be hugely worried. Your poor parents.

He showed himself. See it for what it is. This is him.

Sadly, I think you're right.