Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Saturday was the first ‘big’ drink he has gone on since we met and I hope there isn’t many more.

You're staying with him, then.

If you had a daughter, what would you think if she came to a family meal with someone like this? Seriously, wouldn't you want more for her?

I went out with someone like this a long time ago and he was an absolute nightmare. Call it a day now, whilst you're not too invested. He will never change and will always make it your fault when he gets pissed and everything gets screwed up. Get out now whilst you still can.

Maybe the men around you hold their tongue in your company

I think you can and should try to do better. I think this sounds so bad. It’s the blaming you and the comment. I think he really doesn’t give a f*.

Early 30s? Tbh I thought you were both late teens.

Oh just knock it on the head now.
He doesn't respect you
He isn't bothered about showing respect to your parents.

This

And this again.

@MerryLeah Don't waste any more of your time on this man because if you give him the next five years of your life then it probably will be too late to find someone less awful to be the father of your children.

Run. Run a mile and don't look back. You can do better and will look back and regret it if you don't get out now. My boyfriend at 16 had more maturity and respect for me than yours has shown this weekend. Clearly meeting your parents was not important to him, or else he would have prioritised it over drinking shots which he fully admits makes him ill.

He basically told your parents his friends use prostitutes. The inference being that the only reason he doesn't is their daughter comes for free!

What on earth do you see in this guy? All I see 🚩🚩🚩

Where on earth in the many many responses did you get that anyone was suggesting you hold things against him that he did in his early 20s?

This is something he did 24 hours ago!

And you correctly identified him blaming you as important enough for your thread title, yet now you are not even acknowledging people’s comments on this.

It’s the fact he didn’t take responsibility for his own actions that most concerns me. I’ve been with someone like that. It’s not sustainable long-term.

I’d also be uneasy about the possibility that he does use sex workers and about STIs.

OP will clearly have to learn the hard way!

Oh dear.

He's old enough to know how to plan by now and should be able to pace his drink. Clearly doesn't have any respect for your parents. And last but not least, no respect for you. I don't think much to his friends either - birds of a feather etc.

This isn't your fault, he's saying that because he didn't care. He thinks it will shut you up fastest.

Perhaps it's time to get back on dating apps...

I'm assuming Brass is a sex worker? Surely this is unacceptable morally and a health risk for you .I would see this one off.early 30s sounds like a teenager! You can do better OP. Imagine babies with this sleazy manchild .or wait perhaps dont!

I would be more concerned about this than anything my parents thought. Men who think it's ok to pay to use a woman's body for sex disgust me. What sort of decent bloke thinks this, never mind says it. Not sure why you are concerned about who is at fault for him being a dickhead rather than wondering why you are with a dickhead in the first place.

Hopefully your parents have said “ LTB”. Utterly grim.

You are only a few months in. At this stage you should both be making lots of effort and he should always be respectful of you and yours no matter how long you have been together. Bin him.

I shall await the update in a few years. It will be something along the lines of “he just changed”….

Yes

Yes, this would be the biggest issue for me. Everyone makes mistakes, and says things they regret when a bit nervous.

But the fact he blamed OP for his mistakes rather than owning them shows he lacks emotional maturity and a sense of responsibility for his actions.

And she will be confused and insisting there were never any red flags…..he just miraculously changed.

If he doesn't know not to say that in front of your parents even when he's had a drink, he's really beyond hope.

He has not tried to do so something fairly normal to make you happy. He didn't try just looked for excuses and passed the blame to you. He is responsible for his own actions. You are not responsible for nor control his actions. You are being kind and understanding but that has to stop. He is throwing you excuses and explanations to minimise his behaviour. Fine for a short term fling but not so much for a long term relationship and settling down. He may be sweet and a model boyfriend for a period but will revert to form

OP, are you saying you used prostitutes when you were younger? Because I'm almost certain that's what your boyfriend was saying