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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

648 replies

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:26

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

OP posts:
FurForksSake · 28/07/2025 15:28

Is brass slang for a sex worker?

Oasisagiger · 28/07/2025 15:29

How old are you both? If you say he’s 19 then that’s different to 39.

DaisyChain505 · 28/07/2025 15:30

If he’s below 25 YABU

If he’s 25 or older YANBU.

QuantumLevelActions · 28/07/2025 15:30

What does 'a brass' mean?

I've looked it up but still unsure in this context.

Original poster
MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:30

FurForksSake · 28/07/2025 15:28

Is brass slang for a sex worker?

Yeah, he said last night he didn’t know why he said it.

@Oasisagiger both early 30’s

OP posts:
Jujujudo · 28/07/2025 15:31

Just the title of your post made me feel anxious. Leave him. Now. It won’t get better from this point.

SoloSofa24 · 28/07/2025 15:32

Your boyfriend sounds like an immature dick and I am not surprised that your parents were not impressed.

Jujujudo · 28/07/2025 15:32

QuantumLevelActions · 28/07/2025 15:30

What does 'a brass' mean?

I've looked it up but still unsure in this context.

I think a prostitute.

MsPavlichenko · 28/07/2025 15:32

His blaming you is a red flag for me, the rest is pretty poor also. I’d be having a rethink about him to be honest. It’s early days, yet he can’t be arsed putting the effort in ?

ChaToilLeam · 28/07/2025 15:32

He sounds like an absolute idiot. Aren't you experiencing major ick over this?

MageQueen · 28/07/2025 15:32

I don't think you can give him a hard time about using the loo and if that was the reason he made a bad impression, then you and your parents are ridiculous.

However, the comment was very inappropriate and tacky.

As worryingly, is that something has gone wrong and he's blaming you. That actually is the bit that I find the biggest red flag. this is one where a healthy response would be, "bugger, I reallly shouldn't have had those extra beers last night I was clearly a bit of a prat today. Oh well, you did say we could do a different date. I'll have to be extra charming the next time I meet them to prove I'm not such a twat. Should I send your mum a bunch of flowers and a note saying I was clearly a bit hungover but I look forward to meeting her properly another time?"

Dolphinnoises · 28/07/2025 15:33

Throw this one back. Honestly. I know dating in your early 30s feels like the last chance saloon but you don’t want to reproduce with this one…

Jujujudo · 28/07/2025 15:33

Also, you say you’ve not really had any issues.. think really hard about it.. maybe there were red flags that you didn’t notice or ignored? Behaviour like this doesn’t come out of the blue although it can feel that way. It took me 17 years to notice…

Notmyluck · 28/07/2025 15:34

Next time OP. Txt him and ask him not drink anymore. I'd be embarrassed too and I would of pulled him aside discreetly. Even at 25 this isn't acceptable. But 30s no way and the cheek to blame you.

Paradoes · 28/07/2025 15:34

His heart isn't in it I'm afraid

This is a deal breaker

Oasisagiger · 28/07/2025 15:34

I’m sure you can do much better OP and that’s what your parents will be thinking.

LBFseBrom · 28/07/2025 15:34

He sounds appalling.

heldinadream · 28/07/2025 15:35

If he had literally set out to be an off-putting idiot he couldn't have done a better job of it, could he?

And the fact he's blaming you?
Nah. LT blinkin' B.

purplecorkheart · 28/07/2025 15:35

Honestly, you are seeing the true him. The brass. comment alone would make me get rid of him

Original poster
MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:36

MageQueen · 28/07/2025 15:32

I don't think you can give him a hard time about using the loo and if that was the reason he made a bad impression, then you and your parents are ridiculous.

However, the comment was very inappropriate and tacky.

As worryingly, is that something has gone wrong and he's blaming you. That actually is the bit that I find the biggest red flag. this is one where a healthy response would be, "bugger, I reallly shouldn't have had those extra beers last night I was clearly a bit of a prat today. Oh well, you did say we could do a different date. I'll have to be extra charming the next time I meet them to prove I'm not such a twat. Should I send your mum a bunch of flowers and a note saying I was clearly a bit hungover but I look forward to meeting her properly another time?"

He said himself his bad stomach was because he was doing shots that he knows usually don’t agree with him the next day, he didn’t eat something dodgy. It just seemed a problem of his own making.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 28/07/2025 15:36

I'd be horrified if my daughter brought home a man like this. They could probably smell the alcohol on him. As for the 'brass' comment - well, he's clearly used sex workers, hasn't he? It wouldn't occur to anyone to say that otherwise.

You can do so much better than this man, OP.

GinAndJuice99 · 28/07/2025 15:36

If all his friends use sex workers there has to be a good chance he does too

lookcobwebs · 28/07/2025 15:37

Jujujudo · 28/07/2025 15:33

Also, you say you’ve not really had any issues.. think really hard about it.. maybe there were red flags that you didn’t notice or ignored? Behaviour like this doesn’t come out of the blue although it can feel that way. It took me 17 years to notice…

Or maybe, just maybe, there really aren’t any red flags and he just fucked up this one time.

I mean I wouldn’t have been impressed at all but equally I know it’s easy to get carried away when you’re out with pals and then he clearly didn’t want to let you down the following day so he went along feeling like crap and probably still half pissed. It’s not good and it would have embarrassed me at the time but it’s not the crime of the century is it.

If he’s genuinely sorry it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but I’d expect him to really make a good impression next time he sees your parents.

Terrribletwos · 28/07/2025 15:37

MerryLeah · 28/07/2025 15:26

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Yep, he sounds immature.

BCBird · 28/07/2025 15:37

Brass, i thought it meant money🙄 sounds like an ssshole, creating a bad first impression and then blaming u?

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