Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Ok just read it . Not good OP .

He's early 30s? Then his brain is fully cooked and he just showed you who he really is. And it's not a pretty picture. The blaming you for his own fuck-up is the absolute icing on the cake.

Thank goodness you don't live together. It makes ditching him so much easier. And ditch is exactly what I would do.

Wow.. to even joke about getting prostitutes would seriously put me off him.

God my daughters first boyfriend 16 year old turned up had dinner with us was polite and normal - lovely lad. It’s not hard is it 🙄

So him and his mates get hammered and use sex workers at the weekend? How very unattractive.

I'm be most concerned about the "brass" comment. Can we assume he uses sex workers? Get an STI check OP.

Wow.. to even joke about getting prostitutes would seriously put me off him.

.

A brass?
fuck him off. Yuck. You know that’s actually what him and his friends used to do.

Dump him. Ugh!

Ok, so the hangover, the terrible conversation and all of that aside… I could maybe forgive and put that down to nerves. Maybe.

The blaming you for the whole fiasco?! Oh no. Absolutely not. No way. Nada. That is not good.

The AIBU here is why your boyfriend hasn't made a bad impression on you.

LTB

If he was 18 then this could be forgivable. But we're talking about a man in his 30's. At his age he can't show a bit of restraint on a night out when he knows he's meeting his partners family for the first time the next day? That's a really, really bad sign.

But the fact that he refuses to take responsibility for his shit behaviour and he's blaming you is just as concerning, if not more so, than the behaviour itself.

It sounds as though his friends are heavy drinkers too and it's interesting that when asked he didn't want to say what they do for a living just that they "haven't really grown up" and "live for the weekend". These aren't students presumably, they're fully grown men. Don't get me started on the fact that the use of sex workers is so normalised in his social circle that he thought it was fine to bring it up on his first meeting with his girlfriends parents!

5-6 months in is supposed to be the honeymoon period. He should still be trying to impress you, OP. That means this is him on his best behaviour. This, OP, is as good as it gets.

If you stay with this man get ready to have many, many more family occasions and special days ruined by him being too drunk or too hungover to participate. Get ready to be embarrassed in front of your friends, family and colleagues on a regular basis. Then prepare to be told that you're a killjoy or controlling when you express that he's let you down.

I expected you to say he's early 20s Op not 30s, you'd hope by his age for a scrap of common sense. Your poor parents are probably thinking you've got an alcoholic for a BF

Throw this one back.

He doesnt know how to behave himself and he isn’t able to take any responsibility.

You’ll throw away your life waiting for him to grow up

Basically he told your dad his best mates all visit prostitutes.

Yeah, not the most sensible thing. Ask him why he felt the need to say that? And if he thinks doing so is normal?

The fact he needed to use the toilet a few times can't really be held against him. But that comment was definitely ill advised.

He sounds very immature indeed and not the brightest spark in the world. I'm thinking maybe it's not going to be the love affair of the century if you stick with him.

Dump him as your values don't match, you're really incompatible & better to find out now then 2 yrs down the line with kids in tow.

So his frontal lobe in his brain has been developed for 5+ years. This is him. This is who he is. No changing him.

Have your parents said anything to you?
If he's in his 30s. I would expected him to be in better state by mid afternoon even if he had been out drinking the night before. Do you think he had had a hair of the dog before he got to your parents as its strange he stopped making sense after two drinks?
My parents would laugh off someone being hungover but my Mum wouldn't of liked the "brass" comment. Were you nervous about them meeting before hand anyway? Did you pre-empt that he might not behave?

Early 30s?? Well, having got engaged to two men before they met my parents, I can only say that when someone behaves like that and you don’t like what you see, it’s not really likely to get better.

He's not sorry as he's blaming her

This is a good point. The dads question was slightly nosey and awkward, as though he was trying to sus out what company he keeps.

Get rid. He sounds repulsive. Any man who uses terms like that for prostituted women has no respect for women. And he’s showing you that. This is not normal for a good man.

Her dad was very successful in doing so, if that was the purpose of his question.