Child’s friend insulted house

[Spicychili]

As heading- my daughter’s 8 year old friend came over to play and kept asking why our house and garden are so small and commenting on it. This is a sore point as most kids at their school have larger houses! I overheard them so didn’t get involved in the discussion. My daughter seemed to brush it off. AIBU to be upset by this or is this normal?

This is great! I honestly don't have time for entitled little shits so I am q selective who I invite friends wise to our home. My kids have lived in both a very small terraced house and now we are fortunate enough to live in a much larger house but I would be mortified if they looked down their noses at another person's home. There is no excuse for rudeness when you have been invited as a guest into someone's home.

Sorry but your response sounds so bitter and it's really not necessary.
Its a young child it's highly unlikely she was sneering why would you teach your child to respond with unkind retorts!!
A far better response is an unruffled 'yes everyone's house is different, it suits us perfectly' with a smile.

Your response must made it really obvious you feel defensive about your own financial status... Don't pass that on to your kids. Money does not define you

I'd hazard a guess she's heard her parents comment you live in a small house. No child that age think of saying that without having heard it else where

Agree. She just said it as she saw it. If she’d said, “ I don’t like your house, it’s horrible” then that’s an insult.

Sorry but I don’t feel that’s an insult. It’s not a tactful comment to make but seems to be a child saying what they see, ie factual “your house is small”.

@Notmyluck I did her parents a favour & it was absolutely worth it to see the brat's face when her parents turned up. I'm also peri-menopausal which has a lot to do with it, I simply don't give a shit about other people's opinions anymore.

We moved to a large house when I was 11 and I was mortified when my best friend at the time started telling everyone in my class that I lived in a mansion. She would regularly ask me to reveal how many rooms were in the house to other kids and tell them I was 'posh'. It was actually a Victorian house which had been subdivided into flats so it wasn't posh, but did have a lot of small rooms.

That’s so sad to read, that you’d be embarrassed 😢 We live in a rather big house and I’d never think anything less of someone else’s smaller house. We all do the best we can, some people get more lucky than others … please don’t let those thoughts stop you from inviting school friends over. Children are often just honest (the house is big/small) without judging and hopefully their parents can do this too! (Our own DC came home one day after visiting a friend saying ‘her house was really big, ours is really small’ and I knew that was simply incorrect, I knew her friend’s house and it was definitely not bigger than ours. Not that it matters, and that’s what I told her. It made me laugh though, and realise that children just see things differently.)

@Nooster18 yes i had a little girl telling mine that we werent a proper family as im separated from their dad. Her dad has limited supervised visits so i think she just assumed we were the same

@Spicychili im the poor one in our class with the poorest but one house! However i always have kids over for playdates and they must notice its not as fancy as theirs but everyone is at ease with it all. Just be happy your daughter isnt bothered.

None of us knows for sure that she intended to be rude. You can choose to believe that she was being rude or you can choose to believe that as an 8-year-old child she was just making an observation. What value is there in choosing to believe that she was being rude?

So true.
If a man says you're ugly, He's mean.
If a woman says you're ugly. She's jealous.
If a child says you're ugly, you probably are.

Children that age don't think big house = lots of money = rich.

I remember at that age being very envious of my friend's house. They had two set of bunk beds her her bedroom which seemed great fun. I doubt she actually thought that sharing with 3 younger siblings (2 were twins) was fun, but it seemed great to me at the time.

It's also relative. I had a friend from Hong Kong at secondary school who was ecstatic when her parent wrote to tell her that they were moving to a really low flat which was much bigger than their previous one. I was somewhat unsure what to say when she told me with joy that they were now only floor 14 and her and her sister were going to have a room to share... she really couldn't believe her luck.
I then found out that their previous flat only had one room, which divided in two at night with a curtain so her parents slept one side and her and her sister the other side. They now had two rooms. When she saw our very ordinary 3 bed she was speechless and eventually stammered out to ask what we could do with so many rooms.

My children wouldn't sleep in a large house, they like to be close to us and to know that there is no one else in the house 😂. It is a touchy matter at the in-laws that they have the "children's bedroom" with a bed and a cot up some stairs and down a passageway, but neither of the kids will sleep there as they find it too scary - they always come in with us instead!

The kids absolutely love a tiny holiday let or hotel room where we're all in together or we can all see each other from bed.

I was the child in the small council house and I was always bemused at my friends reactions. It didn’t bother me- I was just as surprised at how large their houses were! They never meant it meanly, they just didn’t know any different.

That’s really sad re feeling embarrassed. I live in a bigger house than some of DCs’ friends but I grew up in a smaller house.. I don’t judge people with smaller houses, I respect anyone keeping whatever kind of roof over their kid’s head. Often the people with bigger houses are older and just had their kids later, got on the property ladder when it was more possible and houses were cheaper or had help from family. Maybe they just had more time to save up before having kids. Often it’s a mixture of some work and some luck. And some people just like a smaller manageable house and maybe prioritise holidays. Or have jobs that are valuable to society but don’t pay well.

So I would try not to imagine that people judging you. Try to show your DC how to be confident in your life choices and what you have achieved with the hand you were dealt. Please don’t limit them having friends over because of your embarrassment; that would be a shame.

Dont be upset it’s entirely age appropriate.

If she keeps on with it though I would wonder if she has repeated this to her parents and how they have guided her

I think an 8 year old should probably know better than to say that. We are fortunate to live in a spacious detached house, DD1 who is 9 has friends who live in smaller houses and flats, and wouldn't comment.

A 5 or even 6 year old could get away with it just being an observation. I remember my daughter at 5 telling her friends mum she wished she lived in a 'little flat like her rather than a big house like us as when she is tired she wouldn't then have to go up stairs to bed'. This could even be seen as a 'stealth boast' but luckily her friends mum took it fine (as far as I could see).

I would never judge any of her friends by where they live, and neither would she. I judge them on how kind they are to her, if they are polite to me and respectful of our home.

Not unreasonable to be upset by that. If they were age 5/6, it would be innocent questioning where they don’t understand that it could potentially be upsetting or considered rude. At age 8, they really should know better.

If you think that’s bad, my 8yr old’s friend asked him why his house was so messy

It’s normal and it only gets worse.

Mine have started noticing we're the biggest family in the smallest house 😂🙈 I don't know if anything has been said to them though.

It's not at all rude coming from an 8 year old!

I remember going to a friends house as a child and commenting how messy it was 😬
The main reason I remember was because the mum then told my mum what I said and I got told off for being rude when we got home. I don’t think it came from a bad place as I was generally a polite and quiet/shy kid. I think it was just a childish observation. Why the mum took any notice or reported it back to my mum goodness knows! I wouldn’t take any notice unless it become a sticking point or your child starts getting picked on for having a small house.

I remember being around this age and telling our landlady that her dogs must have thought she was a big steak, that’s why they followed her around so much. I’m nearly 40 and still embarrassed! She found it hilarious luckily. She went off to tell the adults who all laughed.

It happens. I think as a parent you’d explain why it can be an insult, but on the receiving end and without some backstory about how the child is poorly behaved/snobby, it’s just an observation. With my own I emphasise how all families are different, plus John is so lucky he lives near the park, Mary has an amazing Pokemon room etc.

Thank you for all the (mostly kind) replies!! Yes it is quite a small house, though in a pretty upmarket area. I do think the child was repeating her parent’s opinion which is why it particularly bothered me - and she went on about it in a quite obnoxious manner. My child handled it really well so am pleased for that. Am over it now but may not be rushing to invite her over again anytime soon!