Child’s friend insulted house

[Spicychili]

As heading- my daughter’s 8 year old friend came over to play and kept asking why our house and garden are so small and commenting on it. This is a sore point as most kids at their school have larger houses! I overheard them so didn’t get involved in the discussion. My daughter seemed to brush it off. AIBU to be upset by this or is this normal?

She's just saying what is in front of her, she doesn't understand that a larger house signifies status and wealth, and that pointing it out can be an insult, it's not an adult's perspective. She's just literally saying it is small.

My own daughter once did this when we visited her friend's flat, we live in a small terrace house ourselves but she couldn't get over them not having an upstairs in their house. It sounded awful to adult ears and I spoke to her afterwards but of course she had no idea it was potentially sensitive, she was just comparing a with b.

We had similar from a 6 year old after a play date once. To her, the fact that we had one smallish tv and I cycled everywhere and didn’t own a car were evidence of poverty. The funny thing was that I’m pretty sure the child’s mother would have thought the same, only that she knew DH was a high earner (high profile job locally) and that I was an academic, so she knew we were comfortably off. We’d just moved to a village where there were quite strict LMC ideas about what wealth looked like, and it was hot tubs, Quooker taps, grey interiors, and being a SAHM with expensive hair and cars.

I thought it was hilarious. The child didn’t mean any harm, and the mother (who was well-meaning, but not the most imaginative) was having her mind enlarged by encountering the idea that not everyone spends their income the way she would.

She's 8, and at that age, she's just stating a fact. If her house is bigger, she will presume that everyone's house is the same as her house.

It's a sore point for you, she isn't some kind of miniature Joan Collins passing judgement on your house. She's just observing something outloud.

I think it's just a case of kids without filter and as pps said- they don't know the sensitivities adults have around houses. I remember inviting a friend to stay and she said our house was 'so small'. She lived on a farm, so yes in comparison. One of DS1's friends came to visit and commented about ours 'well, it looks nicer on the inside than out ' (we had a skip outside). Another friend who lives in a flat (we have a mid-terrace) said it's a 'Mini-mansion' and said we must be 'posh' because we had pictures on the walls.

We got asked once by a visiting child (friend of daughter) where the playroom was and she was aghast that we did not have one. My daughter didn't notice/care.

Take your daughter aside and explain this as a point of etiquette. Never comments on what people are wearing, their family or their home. It is just downright rude!

This thread has been done so many times that whilst I wouldn't say it's 'normal', I'd say it's upset a few people enough to post about it rather than just brush it off.

Many kids haven't learned that there's another world outside their own bubble yet.

If she remembers this when she's older, she could well be mortified.

'Involved in the discussion?', how would you have got involved? It's 2 kids chatting. Your DD showed maturity by just brushing it off, that's exactly what she's meant to do.

@ConfusedSloth makes a very valid point.

If you lived in a huge mansion, you wouldn’t have been upset if she had asked your daughter why she lived in such a huge house.

Well it’s rude as hell and she should know that. DD is 9 and knows that she’s lucky and not to mention anything personal about someone’s house, face, body. It’s called manners.

Tell your DD to explain to her friend that houses come in all different sizes and some people live in big houses, some in smaller ones, to look surprised and say 'didn't you know that?'

Kids are ruthless at that age. My DD asked if her friend wanted to come to our house for dinner because her mum's dinners weren't very good. In front of the child's mum.

I get how it's annoying @Spicychili but don't sweat it. Kids say what they see, and if your house and garden are small, she's doing nothing wrong by commenting on it really. It is a little bit rude though, but kids don't think.

I remember one of my friends came around to my parents house when we were about 7 or 8, (large council house, with a kitchen, utility, and a back hall, (as well as a front one) and a loo at the back of the back hall. We didn't go in - or use that part of the house that often, so mum didn't clean it more than 2-3 times a month.

My friend went to the loo in there, and later that day when a neighbour came to see my mum to drop off 3 eggs she owed her, my friend said (to my mum) 'Hey Mrs Typewriters, you have LOADS of massive cobwebs in your back hall!' My mum was LIVID. Especially as she said it in front of nosey, gossipy Hilda from No 3! 😂

Kids are such twats. 😆

What's insulting about what she said? Some people do have small houses (myself included!) - it's no big deal.

The house doesnot care
You should not either

" yes it is small so not many floors to hoover. We love it "

I think it’s normal and doesn’t mean anything much coming from an eight year old. I do think though that eight is old enough to be learning about tact and appropriate comments, but even of those kids whose parents have tried, there will still be many making mistakes at that age. Often that will be because in their eyes there is no context or judgment attached. Just observation and curiosity.

Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t police everything your DC says.

For an 8 year old to comment that a house is small is not rude, it's accurate.

For adults or older children, who understand the nuances and implications of "small house" vs "large house" it is potentially rude and definitely insensitive.

You are being way too sensitive.

The reality is that if your house is smaller and you have less money than your DD's friends' families, that's just a fact. That does not make you less of a good person, less of a good mother or your DD less of a good friend. And anyone who does think that is, frankly, not someone you want in your life anyway.

@Spicychili

Also, re; your 'small' house, we have a small-ish house too, and I have had a couple of people commenting on it, including a woman I used to be sort of friends with a few years ago (not anymore!) She has a large 4 bed detached house 15 minutes walk from me, and has made snide and disparaging remarks about our 'tiny' 2 bed cottage, but I don't care because I love it, we have a big garden, and we were mortgage free - in our late 40s. (Been here over a decade.) We downsized from a big 4 bed, and were glad to be free of all the cleaning, maintenance, and high energy bills!!!

So I wasn't remotely envious of her. She thought I was, and I explained I absolutely am NOT, because I had a big house before, and chose to downsize. Also, she and her DP had to take out a £200K mortgage at 50 and 52 years of age, (to buy said huge house!) and they had a MASSIVE monthly payment that took half their monthly income. (The house was £280K and they took £80K from a previous property. This was 2012-ish) They previously had a 2 bed flat, and for some reason, even though neither of them had children, and they were in their 50s, they felt the need to take out a huge mortgage, for a big 4 bed house! For 2 of them. Fine if you're young, as you may have children somewhere down the line, but they were in their 50s!

They have ZERO surplus income. They haven't been on holiday for 9-10 years, or bought any new clothes or new household gadgets, and they never go out to the pub, or out for meals. They can't even afford to decorate, and the house still has the 1993 decor and carpets that have been there since the house was built. They have a 2003 Ford Fiesta that's falling apart, as they have not been able to update the car.

Yeah, DH and I will take our TINY cottage ta! (And our large amount of monthly surplus income!)

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When I was young I did the opposite. My mam had explained to me that big houses are expensive and we couldn’t afford one as big as my granddads (or something like that) so we visited some family friends and I said ‘wow you must be soooo rich because your house is huge’ I’m sure my mam was mortified, but I remember the lady saying that she had more children etc. but I was very black and white about it, I’m sure had we been to a tiny house I’d have either thought or said they were poor.

I also taught some very rich children, I remember one not believing me they some
people had never been on an aeroplane and same child asked me very matter of factly
where my ski chalet is… ‘my ski chalet is in vernier, where is yours?’ I explained to him as well as I could about not everyone having the same things etc. I do sometimes wonder what he’s like as an adult (he’ll be 19 now!) as he really didn’t have any concept of his own privilege at age 8.

We spent an absolute fortune restoring the original floorboards in our house.

DS1’s friend was horrified at the idea we couldn’t afford carpets 😂

Why do you care what an 8 year old thinks?

I remember being at grammar school in the 80s and friends asking why I didn't have a dining room. We lived in a 2 up 2 down terrace compared to friends with large detached houses. It did hurt and I was reluctant to invite them round.

8years old is old enough to have good manners. She should have been taught that you don't comment on someone having less than you, anything, clothes, cars, trainers etc... kids that age are very aware and can be spiteful bullies.

It's not a particularly appropriate thing to say and if she keeps bringing it up, it's annoying and a little rude. I would be tempted to shut her right down. "Yes our house may be smaller than yours, but it is rude to keep commenting on it."

Well done your child for rising above it. Your house may be smaller but your child is better brought up.