DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

I can imagine the sort of flick/slap etc. Not great but not worth letting your DH ruin it to be the big I Am.

I guess id base my decision on DD, how is she around Grandad now?

If shes ok I wouldn't be agreeing to go home and spoil the holiday for everyone, so that wouldn't be happening, otherwise all that's happening is your girls are seeing 2 men posturing and that men always do what they want and get their own way even if it upsets others.

So if op decides it's OK for her parents to assault her child.... that's OK as thems the rules?

Where on earth have you got any of that from?!? You’ve just made it all up!!! No evidence whatsoever that he gets a fat salary, or that they have a good life. In fact, the contrary, the op has detailed that she never gets a break.

To be fair, he might have indeed said something like that, and the op might have responded with the minimization and desire to continue with the holiday that is evident in her posts.

He didn't even hear about it from the op first, but rather from his child. I think that potentially says a lot...

Team Dad here.

I would possibly stay for my mum but it would be the last time I left them alone with grandparents. I would say to dh I agree it’s wrong I won’t leave them unattended but we are finishing our break. Booking flights without a discussion seems a bit controlling but I also understand his child was hit by an adult who was looking after her. I wonder if your dad would have done it if your husband had been on the visit too?

I know what you mean by the flick to the head having been on the receiving end of them as a child. We referred to it as a ‘crack round the head’ it is a reflex move but what you have to remember is a grown adult man did this to a young child he loves because she accidentally dropped something. It is appalling and I would find it hard to forgive . Imagine if your husband did that to you for accidentally dropping something? It would be considered physical abuse.

im guessing like me you grew up in a household where getting smacked was normal. Even if you make a conscious choice not to do that to your own children there can still be an underlying feeling of it being normal when it really isn’t. The concept of grown adults hitting children is abhorrent adults should be able to control their emotions and manage themselves better than children can.

Or she sees her mother saying its OK for her grandfather to assault her, her being upset at this happening and her father defending her?
With the addition of her mother then telling her it'll be her fault the holiday is ruined because she told her dad?

I think the fact that you have your own accommodation with your children on this holiday is relevant. I'm assuming you mean an apartment, Airbnb or a hotel. So you aren't actually staying with your parents 24/7 and are dropping in on them.

So very, very easy to keep things separate and not have your father unsupervised around them again. You and the children are also very able to do your own thing and you have independence there.

Tell your husband to bugger off. You and the children will not be coming home until your planned date of departure and that is final. Tell him that you are perfectly capable of keeping your own children safe and of making your own decisions regarding flights home. Tell him you don't appreciate his meddling and won't be on the flights he has so foolishly thrown family money away on without consulting you.

That's what I would do. Stay, though I would be keeping a continuous eye on how my father was around the children for the rest of the holiday.

OP said they were not hit as children.

Excellent comment

I would have booked the flight myself but you actually have two separate problems here. It sounds like your husband is controlling and unhelpful 'and' it sounds like your father did a terrible thing. Both are bad and both need addressed.

If anyone lay a hand on my child they would absolutely not be around them for quite some time to come. There is no way I would want to teach my children that they should expect that or be afraid of that or even internalise in any way that someone can apologise their way around that sort of thing. Sounds like you should never ever leave your children there again as they aren't really able for babysitting - sleeping while your kids are there? Getting yelled at for dropping something? Getting hit - in any sense of the word? Your parents are tired and have a short fuse and that's a terrible combination.

You shouldn't really be relying on this one holiday for any sort of break though and your husband needs to do better. Does he do anything at all that's useful?

I assume your DH wasn’t keen for you to visit in the first place? If you have your own accommodation your DH is over reacting but I wouldn’t leave DC alone with parents again.

So earning a salary makes you the boss does it? Or is it just a 'men are head of the household' thing? OP is perfectly able to juge the situation herself and keep her kids safe going forward, if her husband doesn't believe this to be the case, he shouldn't be leaving all the parenting to her.

OP, if your DH wants the kids to go home, he can come get them, he doesn't get to dictate what you do. You're a grown adult, who can judge this situation and act accordingly.

By the dad

I would still interpret that not hit as children. OP certainly hasn't said that her mother defended what her father did.

I would have (and did) react as your husband did.

we had a similar situation except I was there. We left.

as you’ll see from the replies there’s going to be a big split here.

i was hit as a child. I won’t accept my
children being hit. We packed and left and dh was given a choice of come with us or stay I don’t care but me and my kids are not staying.

dH also said all
the usual stuff “he’s old, a different generation etc” but frankly I don’t fucking care no-one hits my kids.

it caused a massive family rift. FIL never apologised . But he (and the rest of the extended family as wel were all on a big weekend away) really did understand that I love my kids and I will not
put up with this shit.

I’ll know I’ll get crucified for this but…This post sums up Mumsnet for me woman are always right men are always wrong. The amount of people minimising what the GF did and I am speaking as someone who was smacked as a child. I could possibly understand if the GF had did it as a form of discipline or if the child had put themselves in danger but they didn’t he hit the child over something very trivial which for me shows how short tempered he is. I don’t blame DH reaction and he may have not reacted like that if OP had spoken to him first.

Its the fact that OP and the children are not staying with her parents, so she is fully able to keep her daughter from being left alone with her father again, without needing to run home at her husbands command and ruin everyones holay. If he doesn't trust her to do that, then he shouldn't be leaving her to be the default parent, EVER.

I think everyone is getting a bit worked up here. I can see how your dad probably gave your child a "flick on the ear" - and while I don't condone it - it is very different to a slap on the head/face. You have spoken to him and told him never to do it again - that should be the end of it.
Your husband is overreacting - you have dealt with it - it's not going to happen again.

Totally agree, the grasping at straws to find some way to blame the DH for defending his child as a controlling man... but are all forgiveness and leeway for the GP who actually assaulted her!

He should not have booked the flight before speaking to you and being a bit more rational.
You could have said you will finish your holiday as your children want to . But you will limit visits with your father and never leave the kids alone with them.
He definitely should not be left left alone with children. How long did you leave them . Given your mother went to sleep .
They both sound like it was a major inconvenience.

He's working so the OP can be part time. She's minimising this. She didn't even tell him. He heard from his tearful daughter that grandad hit her.

If a father had minimised like this, MN would have gone batshit.

Exactly!

You left your children with people they see once a year, so hardly know them.

You prioritised going to see your friends over taking the children to the beach which they were looking forward to.

You never get a break even though both children go to school and you only work p/t.

Interesting.

Exactly and if this had been a reverse and the mum had posted that her FIL had done this and is she wrong for packing up and going home. I guarantee you all comments telling her you are absolutely right