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Original poster

To not want to look after my daughter any more

414 replies

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 17:58

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

OP posts:
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6
Ap42 · 27/07/2025 21:26

I could have written this myself some years ago about my now 13 year old autistic son. I used to dread the school holidays and lack of routine. In my case things got easier over time. He is no longer violent thankfully. She may change as she gets older. It sounds like you all need support. You can apply for DLA which will help with respite, sensory aids in the hope of helping to calm her down and give you a break. I also did the cygnet course which really helped me to understand my son.
Sadly I found early help utterly useless. But have been referred to them multiple times so their is a paper trail of my sons needs.
Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your doing a fab job x

x2boys · 27/07/2025 21:27

People with no experience Talk all kinds of shite on thesse kinds of threads

Yes there residential schools but if a child is managing in a mainstream school with no intervention etc they ate not going ti take them

Mountainsfar · 27/07/2025 21:30

Hi OP,
I have a 6-year-old daughter with ASD, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this — it’s hard!

I noticed you mentioned that your daughter has good behaviour in school. Just wondering, do you feel all her needs are actually being met there?

With my daughter, her behaviour at school is also really good, but her needs weren’t being met — and I know this because every single day after school, her behaviour would become really challenging. That was our biggest sign that something wasn’t right.

She now requires an EHCP to help support her properly.
Also if you request a needs assessment you can have a better idea of what her needs are, for eg if a ot assessment was carried out if signs of sensory difficulties are there, then the information help you to Suport her at home.

PeachesandCream100 · 27/07/2025 21:30

"No problems at school but a nightmare at home."

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 21:40

You wouldn’t lose your children over having one Sen child with violent behaviours.
I have an autistic child some things that help-

very consistent routines - get up at same time, dress, meals and tv allay the same time every day
regular/familiar activities

not expecting more than he is capable of

devices are routines -1 hour per day it means he full concentrates for the hour and I get a solid break

opportunities for him to regulate- food/ exercise /games things that help him reset

pre empting things he will struggle with and avoiding/managing them or when he’s starting to struggle distracting him before it escalates

Role modelling the behaviour I want (staying calm) not an easy one

in terms of support definitely ring social services they are there for support/referall to services not to judge or remove children (except indire situations)
They will likely allocate a worker who may do some work with you all. They may refer to cahms/therapy. The may refer you and your dh to a relevant parenting course ( no shade on you, there may be techniques you haven’t thought of and it’s a great way to meat others who are struggling and share ideas/support.)

CarrotyO · 27/07/2025 21:41

I agree with previous posters, you will likely see huge results if you change your parenting style to low-demand parenting. Forget about imposing consequences and 'telling her what to do'. You can turn the relationship with your daughter around dramatically if you try a different approach.

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 27/07/2025 21:48

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 18:09

DH doesn’t step in when she is attacking me. She has previously attacked him as well, usually she tries to punch him between the legs.

I’m terrified I am going to lose my other children over this.

We don’t get any benefits for her or any support. The referral our GP made was rejected because it was for the wrong service or something.

What was the referal for? Maybe we can help you.

The NAS do a specific parenting course, you should have been given sign up details with the diagnosis.

Hibernatingtilspring · 27/07/2025 21:52

@Emonade I don't need to look up the section, I've been a practising social worker for twenty years. That s20 exists in law does not mean that social services take children into care on request. It also doesn't require you to be 'under social services' for it to happen.

@RubySquid do you mean apart from the lasting psychological damage it would do to the child? The police would be called, and attempts made to meditate for the parent to care for the child. If no success, the parent would be expected to arrange for the child to stay somewhere else, eg with a family member. If still no success, the police could use police powers for children's services to place a child with an emergency foster carer for one night (if available - given current shortages it could mean them going somewhere entirely unsuitable, eg a long distance from home or into a children's home with much older young people) and then the mediation process would start back up the following day. It's quite likely if a patent stood their ground that they would be charged with neglect or abandonment unless there were really strong extenuating circumstances. A parent would have been expected to seek support, not try and blackmail children's services at the expense of their child.

I'm not sure how any of that is supposed to help the OP. There is support out there, I don't think (apart from the GP) that the OP has asked yet? Not judgement for that, the first step of seeking help is tough, but that's what parents need to do!

DemBonesDemBones · 27/07/2025 22:05

Social services are useless. I have begged them to remove my very violent child many times. He will have to kill me or one of my other children before they will. I’m so sorry you’re in the same situation. I get how much you can love your child but just want someone, anyone to come and save you from the daily assaults. I’m sorry.

Richtea67 · 27/07/2025 22:08

ExtraOnions · 27/07/2025 18:43

Been there.

To start with the good news, I now have a lovely 19 year old DD, who is kind, sensitive, funny, and great company. We do lots together.

On the other side, she was late diagnosed with ASD, so I had no idea what I was dealing with. What I had was a violent, angry, aggressive child (from about the age of 7). She smashed her room up, and was violent towards me on multiple occasions.

She was great at school, until she stopped going (but that’s another story).

So, what happened?

  1. Changed the way I parented. Parenting and ASD child, is different to parenting an ND child. The usual rules around “consequences” and the magic “take their screens away” don’t work. When you child becomes overwhelmed, they have a panic attack (or the unhelpful word “meltdown”), there emotions are dysregulated, and they lash out.
  2. When they are in this dysregulated state, there is no point in trying to talk to them, reason with them or anything else … makes it all worse, best thing you can do is to leave them alone. The time for discussion comes later.
  3. Figure out the triggers .. they will be there, is it tiredness, hunger, finding it hard to follow instruction.. could be anything, but knowing gives you an advantage.
  4. Give them things, in life, that they can control themselves - only need start small.
  5. You child does not like feeling that out of control, it’s as distressing for them, as it is for you.
  6. Tell them you Love them.. every single day. The one thing that helped change things with us, was when I said “I’m on your side”
  7. help them understand ASD, and why is makes some things difficult.
  8. We found Sertraline to be a lifesaver.

What I’m trying to say is that there is a sucessful way through this, as awful as it seems at the moment

Important to mention my daughter is “high functioning” -though L2 in the new Assesment

Also, please try not to listen to people who have no experience… they mean well, but mostly spout ableist garbage

Edited

Absolutely all of this OP. We got a lot of support from the early help team in social services and also our local autism charity. After trying every single thing our last resort was to physically restrain her....for our own and her safely. She was a bit younger, maybe 7 when we did this. I'll probably get flamed for this but something just snapped within me that I would not allow myself to be attacked anymore. We discussed what we would do in advance with DD and lots of warnings etc and talking/reassurance throughout. Also lots of cuddles and a debrief afterwards. She's 10 now and behaviour has really settled. Maybe get some advice from social services about this.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/07/2025 22:10

I have some experience with this behaviour.

These children are really a very good at reading emotions, especially negative emotions.

Try love bombing her, not reacting in the way she expects. Mirror the behaviour you want, kindness and calmness, it isn't easy for her either, you are the adult and can access better skills to deal with her, keep smiling, go bite a cushion for the release, eventually she'll respond better.

Good luck.

MumWifeOther · 27/07/2025 22:11

BlueMum16 · 27/07/2025 18:02

I'm sorry this is happening.

Where is your DH in all of this? How is she with him?

I echo this.

Sounds awful for you, you really need more support from your husband.

TaupeMember · 27/07/2025 22:15

ForrinMummy · 27/07/2025 18:05

This is horrendous. Even worse, in extremis they would take your other children away (or to live separately with their Dad) and leave you, alone and unsupported with her.

Nonsense. What an awful thing to say to someone at their lowest

sunshine244 · 27/07/2025 22:16

NDstress · 27/07/2025 19:07

My son is 6, diagnosed with ASD and ADHD.
He has trouble with emotional regulation, and is very impulsiveness, he will lash out during a meltdown, or if overwhelmed, he will hit, kick, bite, throw and also mock.

What I have learnt over the last couple of years is that works for me is, utilise positive reinforcement and recognise good behaviour, and where possible ignore negative behaviour.

My DS loves a reaction, positive or negative, so if he does something bad and gets a big reaction to it, he’s still won in his eyes, as he’s got the attention.
When I do tell DS that something isn’t kind, or not a good choice, I keep my tone neutral, if he senses any confrontation in my tone, this will trigger him to react.

My husband, is a lot more reactive than me, and I can see a huge difference in my sons behaviour with me, than his dad. His dad is working more to ignore certain behaviour, but he is used to children listening to their parents, and with ND kids, parenting is often very different.

Happy for you to drop me a message!

Show quote history

Escalating behaviour can be part of a way to seek dopamine. It's particularly common with kids with ADHD. They get a buzz from the escalating arguments and so can seek this out without understanding what they are doing.

My autistic child was similar to what op described. I got private help,.ADHD was diagnosed and meds have stopped almost all of the escalating anger type issues.

goldfishbowl2025 · 27/07/2025 22:18

Does she have PDA? Have you looked at low demand parenting? Isn’t what you’re saying life with an autistic child? What it’s like? I have a ten year old like this and I feel like it’s the stress of being a solider in a war zone, someone told me this. We have started the last year or so looking into PDA and PDA tactics of parenting.

caringcarer · 27/07/2025 22:23

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 17:58

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

If you don't get DLA you need to put in an application for your DD. Then you could use that money to pay for respite support. I'd be speaking with my DH and telling him he has to step in and stop the attacks if he's around when it happens. You should be united over your DD behaviour.

PufferFish · 27/07/2025 22:30

I’m really sorry that I haven’t had the time to read all of the responses, so apologies if I’m duplicating. Please Google ‘Yvonne Newbold’ and ‘Newbold Hope’ She has incredibly helpful resources and has done TED talks, has FB support groups etc. Her (now grown) children have SEN/Autism/PDA and there is a lot of support particularly for parents who are experiencing violent/controlling behaviour.
You aren’t alone 💐

Tangerinenets · 27/07/2025 22:30

JadeSeahorse · 27/07/2025 19:28

Firstly, so sorry to duplicate this excellent post but I agree with Tangerinets completely.

My now adult DD is 30 years old but at your dd's age was an absolute nightmare too. She had sld with severe autism and cluster epilepsy. She too was violent, very destructive, didn't sleep etc. etc. Thank God we moved to a county which at that time proved very supportive. We managed to access respite each week together with help during school holidays. Our DD was placed in a special needs nursery and then moved to a special needs day school for which daily transportation was provided. However, by the time she was 7 years old we were advised that the school could no longer provide the level of care and support she needed and she would need a 52 week residential school.

As you can imagine, despite the tremendous difficulties we were living with, we were devastated but agreed it would be best for her.

We eventually found her a wonderful place 2 hours from home which proved an absolute godsend. We visited every weekend. She was there until she was 16 then moved to another residential school slightly closer to home until she was 19 at which time we found a fabulous, brand new centre - 25 mins drive from home - in a 24 hour managed centre for supported living.

DD has now been in her gorgeous apartment for 12 years and we now see her 4/5 times per week.
She has never lived at home - other than occasional visits - since she was 7 years old but she is now blissfully happy and 1000%per cent improved. She won't stay at home now. She visits us occasionally but 2 hours later she wants to return to her apartment and mix with her friends 😁. Obviously, she would no way be able to work or live without 24 hour support but we never imagined in our wildest dreams we would see her as she is today. We are all incredibly close and she adores us but certainly has her own life.

Unfortunately, as Tangerinets pointed out, you do have to persevere with SS to get the help you need and I hate to say but I believe, from what I read, that places are even more difficult to acquire than in our day and especially so in the south which is outrageous but if there is any way through these barriers I honestly would also recommend this route.

Wishing you all the very best as I know EXACTLY how you feel. (Just to add, we also discovered only 2 years ago that our dd's condition and difficulties are due to her having a very rare gene mutation. Only took 28 years to diagnose 🙄.) 💐💐💐

Show quote history

We too found an excellent residential placement 3 years ago. It took a year and the fees are eye watering so we had another fight to get funding agreed. He’s incredibly happy there. He has 1:1 at all times and 2:1 to access the community. He has a very full life there something we couldn’t provide at home. To start with he was very much on school/college timetable and packed his bags every 6 weeks or so to come home. Now though after two days at home he’s packing to go back . It’s bittersweet for sure but exactly the point we wanted to be at.

Endofyear · 27/07/2025 22:41

OP, you need to call your local council and ask for social services - when you are put through say you need them to conduct and urgent assessment of needs. Don't let them fob you off, tell them you're dealing with physical violence and are afraid for your safety and the safety of your other children. You desperately need some support and so does your daughter. I have been there and I know how very hard it is - I struggled alone for 12 years until we reached crisis point and my adult son with ASD and learning difficulties was sectioned. It's been a hard road but he's now thriving in supported living.

Your daughter is very young but I do know people whose children have been supported in specialist boarding school when the situation at home was untenable. Get in touch with social services and push hard for urgent support.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/07/2025 22:44

TaupeMember · 27/07/2025 22:15

Nonsense. What an awful thing to say to someone at their lowest

Show quote history

They would not take the other children away. They'll offer support.
Very unfair to say that.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/07/2025 22:54

More research is needed on the impact on DC, sibling relationships, living with DC with SN.
They often become glass children.
It is hard to balance. 💐
I done a few courses on sensory processing, asd, I wasn't expecting much from them but they gave me a better understanding, knowledge is power, if CAMH'S have any courses available.

tachetastic · 27/07/2025 22:58

OP I am so sorry to read your post.

If you need more than respite care, you can ask social services to take your daughter into care on a voluntary basis under section 20 of the Children's Act 1989. This would require you to show that you are unable to care for her at the moment, but you would not give up parental responsibility and you can cancel the agreement and bring her back home at any time if you feel more able to cope.

Social services do not need to do this of course, and it is likely that they will try not to if they do not think your daughter is in danger, or they will at first try to place her with other members of your family or friends, but it is an option should this be something that you want to explore.

Good luck.

Edit: Sorry, just noticed that s20 has already been covered by PPs, so I am not adding anything new except my best wishes for you finding a resolution that works for all your family.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 27/07/2025 22:59

If she is recently diagnosed is she medicated? If not, push for it.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 27/07/2025 23:04

Have you been given a family support worker?

RuddyLongCovid · 27/07/2025 23:09

Goaheadflameme · 27/07/2025 17:58

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

I have two children with autism and I work with them too (I'm an occupational therapist). Your daughter has sensory needs which are not being met (this is not your fault). Children who are autistic who want to hit out will do so, but it's about giving them appropriate tools for this, i.e. not a person. Create a safe space for your daughter which she can access and punch / throw around safe items, eg cushions, blankets and beanbags. Whereabouts are you my lovely? Sending lots of hugs xx