To not want to look after my daughter any more

[Goaheadflameme]

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

Is she attending regular school? No problems with behaviour there? And she doesn’t attack her siblings? Seems like she is aware not to attack anyone who could hurt her back. Yes I know ND children struggle with emotions but it sounds like she does have capacity to learn. How you enforce consequences in ND is not something I can advise on but the fact she only really does it to you is a significant. And that’s not your fault and you are looking for help…. I’ll wait for all the others to jump on board criticising my lack of understanding of ND children but you and your other kids matter too… I had a friend who’s son got a lot worse after diagnosis because she said “he couldnt help it”. He was too nervous in the car so travel wasn’t possible unless of course he wanted to go somewhere. Terrified of dogs too until he wanted a puppy (and had to drive 10 hours each way to collect it). Did she know how to deal with this? Probably not but it all got a lot worse when she didn’t have any support and advice… so I’d get some professional support from say an autism charity ? And speak to your GP about the impact on you as a carer. They can possibly help with carers assessments etc.

Call the Samaritans to talk it through. Find out how you can get your dd into the care of social services and into a foster family.

It’s hard I know as we’ve lived it. My son is non verbal and has challenging behaviour. It was incredibly hard on the family and him. At that age though he was still quite manageable. Things really got hard around puberty age 14 or so and he developed awful ocd and was also diagnosed with Epilepsy. It was a difficult time. At 19 we looked into residential school and after a long battle he started one age 19. 38 week placement so home in the holidays. Honestly it was the making of him . With experts on hand and on site he had loads of input for behaviours. If I’d know how well he’d get on I honestly would have looked at residential education much younger. It’s hard to access so you have to shout and shout loud if that something you’d consider.

It really doesn’t work
like that, and while meaning well advice like that can be unhelpful.

You can claim DLA for your child, @Goaheadflameme

How do you suggest the op proceeds? She doesn’t want to look after her dd. Social services are the place to contact.

OMG if only it were this easy.........

What do you suggest? Any ideas? Thought not.

Been there.

To start with the good news, I now have a lovely 19 year old DD, who is kind, sensitive, funny, and great company. We do lots together.

On the other side, she was late diagnosed with ASD, so I had no idea what I was dealing with. What I had was a violent, angry, aggressive child (from about the age of 7). She smashed her room up, and was violent towards me on multiple occasions.

She was great at school, until she stopped going (but that’s another story).

So, what happened?

1. Changed the way I parented. Parenting and ASD child, is different to parenting an ND child. The usual rules around “consequences” and the magic “take their screens away” don’t work. When you child becomes overwhelmed, they have a panic attack (or the unhelpful word “meltdown”), there emotions are dysregulated, and they lash out.
2. When they are in this dysregulated state, there is no point in trying to talk to them, reason with them or anything else … makes it all worse, best thing you can do is to leave them alone. The time for discussion comes later.
3. Figure out the triggers .. they will be there, is it tiredness, hunger, finding it hard to follow instruction.. could be anything, but knowing gives you an advantage.
4. Give them things, in life, that they can control themselves - only need start small.
5. You child does not like feeling that out of control, it’s as distressing for them, as it is for you.
6. Tell them you Love them.. every single day. The one thing that helped change things with us, was when I said “I’m on your side”
7. help them understand ASD, and why is makes some things difficult.
8. We found Sertraline to be a lifesaver.

What I’m trying to say is that there is a sucessful way through this, as awful as it seems at the moment

Important to mention my daughter is “high functioning” -though L2 in the new Assesment

Also, please try not to listen to people who have no experience… they mean well, but mostly spout ableist garbage

You need a united front. Your DH is not doing your DD any favours by allowing her to attack you.

Also, if she has a diagnosis, you should be entitled to PIP, and Direct Payments. Those help pay for carers to ease your load a little, and give structure throughout the school holidays.

You need to refer yourself to social services and ask for a child in need assessment .
You should also be assessed as a carer.
You need help and support to be assessed, formulate a short term emergency plan, and then alongside that a longer term , reviewable strategy.
Emphasise your fears re your other dc and the violence- steps need to be taken in a pro active way to avoid family breakdown.
your dd needs to apply for attendance allowance ( non means tested)
respite ,if needed, should be part of the long term plan .
it may be that you are requesting an emergency respite placement for your dd- whilst social services remit is always to keep the family together, this temporary measure may be part of the emergency plan - depending on several factors- including availability, or support and respite from your own home .
( eg dd being taken places by a support worker , but still living in the home ,to give breathing space )
All the best to you .

You might get better advice by asking for this to be moved to the special needs section. You can click on report a post and ask for it to be moved. AIBU attracts the teenagers.

I would probably start packing her bags up and tell her she will be moving out if she hates you all so much.

You have my sympathy because I would not let a child ruin everyone’s life.

Excellent post from @ExtraOnions about parenting in this situation. Forget the usual punishment and sanctions. Love and forgiveness always.

And don't give instructions or commands, give CHOICES.

I know care homes that exist to manage troubled children, because my Dn works for one such organisation, she describes children having to be physically held for very long periods to safeguard themselves and others, this is of course achieved with specially trained staff. I would make an urgent self referral to children's social services and just emphasise how much danger everyone in your household is in. Good luck 🥰

This is great advice.

Also, look in to PDA to see if the behaviours ring any bells because, if PDA, then it will require a different kind of parenting from NT and typical autistic kids.

@GoaheadflamemeI feel for you, it's a difficult situation to navigate. Sadly, if you have any family support at all, a Section 20 voluntary care request isn't likely to be granted. The system is broken, parents are being injured by their primary aged children and SS seem to fixate on the rights of the child, not on the protection of the wider family. You have my sympathy, please keep asking SS for help and documenting (including videoing) your DDs meltdowns and behaviour 💐

I am sorry, I have been there and the services were pretty inadequate. You do need Social Services and CAMHS involved. You need to shout very load to get help, involve MPs, Local Councillors, charities to advocate for you. We were refused foster care as dd was too challenging.

Social services would do what they could to keep the family together. I suspect you are saying this is the heat of the moment and if she was to be taken away you would miss her?
Call social services, try to get through to the Chidren with Disabilities team. In some areas the threshold for that team in is very high so you may get referred to the mainstream service, they're likely to not understand your DD's needs and will likely just fob you off with parenting classes. The children with disabilities team can arrange respite, that can be anything from a carer taking DD our a couple of hours a week to a few nights in a residential placement. But you will need to fight for it.
Is sending her to a holiday club an option to give her routine and you both having a break from each other? If you could afford this it could maybe be put in place whilst waiting for social services.

Yes absolutely contact Social Care - that’s what I’ve been suggesting on here- but with a view to putting the correct support in place to manage challenging behaviour and keep everyone in the family safe.
With the correct support child to parent violence can be managed and there are different services that work with families in these case and turn things around. CAMHS need to be involved too.

**If a parent does not want to care for their child anymore then the expectation would be they find an alternative family member / close friend to do so. SC do not scoop difficult 8 years up and delivery them
to willing well-equipped foster family’s waiting on standby.

I'm a safeguarding lead in a school and I have worked with many parents in your situation over the years, OP. It is much more common than you might think for parents to be subject to physical assault and emotional/verbal abuse from their children, and not necessarily just children with SEN.

Children's Services will not remove your child for the reasons you describe. They will offer support though. This is unlikely to be in the form of a Disability specific service if your child is in a mainstream school and has no EHCP. It is also very unlikely you would qualify for respite.
In our LA, only the most serious cases of neglect or abuse are allocated to a trained social worker, your situation would most likely be passed to the Early Help team and a Family Support Worker would be allocated to you. If you Google Children's Services in your area you should find a number to call, tell them everything you've told us. Be completely honest about how bad things are and how you're feeling.
Look into something called NVR (Non Violent Resistance) and whether this is available through CAMHS or Children's Services in your area. It's an evidence-based programme for parents whose children display extreme aggressive/challenging behaviour in the home. It has been an absolute game-changer for parents I've worked with who have been subject to assaults, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour from their DC. There are also organisations who offer it privately, if that's an option for you.

Do your DD's school know how much you're struggling and what her behaviour is like at home? If not, tell them. They will be able to signpost you to services locally who can provide support. It doesn't matter that her behaviour is not a problem in school, if she was a pupil at my school I would absolutely want to know about this and although I don't have a magic wand, I would do anything I could to support you as a family.

Well. I suggested that the OP should claim DLA for her DD. That would help financially.

Don't be fucking silly - the child is 8 years old and disabled. What the fuck is wrong with you?

OP, the best advice here is to go back to GP and to children's services and make a LOT of noise. Unfortunately nothing at all will happen until you scream and shout (metaphorically). You have all my sympathy- this is a crappy situation for all of you. Also, your DH needs to step up and help.

Terrible advice. In 20 years of working with children with challenging behaviour, I've never known a single child whose behaviour has improved in response to being threatened in this manner. Empty threats do not work, and it is an empty threat since OP cannot realistically throw an 8 year old out on the street. Not without being prosecuted anyway, as child abandonment is a criminal offence.

@MMUmum

The threshold for these residential
settings is much, much higher than scratching and bending back fingers, throwing food around, breaking stuff - certainly at 8.
Learning techniques to manage these behaviours would surely be preferable than lengthy restraint by a stranger (on minimum wage/ in an industry with high dissatisfaction and very high levels of staff turnover) who does not love your child.
Surely?