To not want to look after my daughter any more

[Goaheadflameme]

My daughter is 8. She is recently diagnosed with autism. No problems at school but a nightmare at home.

Predictably, being out of the school routine has made her challenging behaviour more challenging. She regularly tells me she hates me, wishes I was dead, that things would be better without me. Everytime
I say something she mocks me. She won’t do anything she is told and consequences are meaningless as she just doesn’t care. Today she has also thrown food round the living room and when I tried to stop this she has violently attacked me multiple times. Previously she has broken my finger and scratched me to the extent that I was hospitalised due to a serious infection in my arm.

I just honestly can’t do it any more. This has been going on for more than two years now. It’s completely ruining me, my relationship with my husband and our family life (we have other children). The violence triggers me so badly due to childhood abuse and I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Do social services take children away in these circumstances?

I'm suggesting that if every parent with a child who has traumatic behavioural problems were allowed to surrender them to social services, we wouldn't have money as a country to pay for anything else. Unfortunately, when you have a child, you do so in the knowledge that there are risks involved, such as the risk that they might be autistic and violent in the future. You cannot then surrender the child to the state; you are legally responsible for giving that child a home and meeting their needs. Sure, if you are unable to do that for whatever reason, then there are systems in place to step in, but those systems are simply not going to kick in just because you are at the end of your tether and other children are at risk. The threshold for social services to take a child out of the home is very high, and the child will be at the centre of that assessment (they are more likely to remove the other children than the severely behaviorally challenged child tb). So, the OP doesn't have much of a choice. I do not make the rules, I'm simply saying: children, however difficult, do not get removed from the family home without there being some serious incompetence or abuse from the parents. Respite care is different and may be possible with help from the right channels.

Because its just that easy ....

There is no such thing as choosing to surrender parental rights

Choosing to surrender your parental rights is adoption?
They can be taken away from you by a full care court order , but not just ‘given up’
most kids in care are on section 20 where parents still have PR

Strongly recommend looking at Parenting Mental Health (website, book, FB group). Lots of us there have lived experience of being attacked by our children.

Also recommend reading about NVR as an approach. We have just done an NVR course (as a couple) and it’s been really helpful.

Quite
and there is no adoption for 8 year olds

@BabyCatFace

I adopted my son when he was 8.

Dd1 was just under eight when placed with me for adoption, and just under ten when it was made legal. DD2 was five when placed with me, seven when it was made legal. Both went on to become aggressive towards me, especially dd1, although she left home when she was 16.
I put Dd2 back into care when she was 15 because I couldn’t keep her safe. She was attacking me, destroying our home, drinking, dabbling in drugs, constantly running off, hanging out with goodness knows who, self harming and being arrested for shoplifting etc.
Children’s services had been heavily involved and were half heartedly looking for a placement but one day matters came to a head and I think I took her to their office - I’ve since had some brain damage so struggling to remember the exact sequence of events.
She went initially into a children’s home about three miles away which didn’t really work out and she unofficially returned home for a while before it all escalated again and this time went to a very rural home where for many months she was the only resident so had a lot of input from staff, before being joined by one other girl. I saw her fairly regularly.
My relationship with both dds is ok now. Not always great but ok. I tell dd2 she would be dead if I hadn’t put her back in care and she says how grateful she is to the staff at that second home.
Neuther were autistic but they had complex behavioural, social and emotional
issues. The police were often round 2/3 times a week and I had warning markers on my address for urgent response due to the level of domestic abuse.
Child on parent violence is a growing problem and I always say don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

I see a lot of this, post adoption breakdown
Sometimes the early years trauma cannot be healed post adoption no matter how loving the family- the damage is done xxx

Definite trauma, borderline learning difficulties for dd1. I’d raise the question of ADHD and other conditions for them both but they were discounted. ODD is a good shout but ten years ago it wasn’t really ever suggested.
They were under CAHMS for many years but it didn’t really help. I suppose I was “lucky” in that them being adopted opened some doorways in terms of support. They had respite support at weekends for a while until the respite carers could no longer cope, and I received adoption allowance, DLA (before it became PIP) and carers allowance, which enabled me to work part time and take a career break to facilitate all the various meetings and appointments, as well as paying for hobbies like dance, gymnastics and horse riding to help give their week some structure. I do think riding was particularly beneficial.
They are in their early 20s now. Both still have their issues and both were teenage parents - with social services once again involved - but my grandchildren bring me a lot of joy.

Sorry, that was in reply to @ByGreyWriter

Why should the daughter be under CAMHS? The OP hasn't said anything about her daughter have a diagnosed mental illness, only autism, which isn't a mental illness.

It's not?

A great many autistic children are under CAMHS.

Link

Not technically, but there is a correlation between autism and poor mental health.

Autism and mental health Link

Many children with autism are under CAMHS

This 👏. As someone who had also been through it with a late ASD diagnosis for my DD. Expecting the child to just change and be good and fit in, led to numerous suicide attempts. Knowing what I know now and what saved us in the end, was educating both myself and her on ASD and the millions of ways it's can present. Like I said, I've been through this and one day I rang social services screaming at them to just take her, which of course they didn't, you literally couldn't give them your kids if you tried, and all I kept getting told by them was, "your such a good mother, it's all the other services that need to help you guys", but we never got that help. The only advice I can give that I think will help with where you are right now in your journey, is do whatever works for you and your family to support what your child is going through. If that's screens all day for a week straight so be it- I'd take that over a week of thinking I'm going to walk out the door and leave them all behind. Do whatever you need to do for you and screw what other people think. I know right now that might feel impossible, but take one hour at a time, then one morning then one day. It really does get better, but it does also get dark to. The catalyst to change in your family will come from how you handle the ASD, and there is no one fit, but what's for definite, is that parenting a ASD child as though they are ND, will be detrimental. Remember, it's not personal, your child doesnt hate you, they hate living in a world that isn't set up for them and the dont know how to cope with that. Sending love and hugs cos I know you just need that sometimes.

Call your local council and ask to speak to social services. Just be honest and tell them that you are really struggling and need some help. See what options are available for your family. Good luck x

I think you need to have another try with your GP or try going directly to Social Services or another organization which helps families with autistic children. . You have been dealt a tough hand. Autism with agression is horrendously difficult to deal with. I am sorry your DH is not giving you enough support or thinks sentina bou darles will make her worse, but maybe if you can get professional help it might help both of you.

I understand how hard it is for you, my parents had 6 neuroduvergent kids all with different traits and needs, I am autistic. Please think how hard it is for your daughter if she is behaving in this way. Autistics find it difficult to identify and regulate their emotions. Also girls expecially mask, so she will be good at school, but like an unexploded bomb when she gets home. You are her safe space and she can let go, often resulting in meltdowns (often interpreted as tantrums). Ensure she has a quite , safe place she can go to. She won't be behaving like this on purpose, she can't help it. Look up Pathological Demand Avoidance, ask for advice on the PDA society website. Please try to get to know your daughter, and help her to understand herself. Please love her and accept her. I'm in tears writing this, autism can be so traumatic, but also such joy when we can be accepted as we are.

Becsuse the Op says it is I assume she knows her own child .

You are not being unreasonable. I am so very sorry that you're going through this, how absolutely horrific!!💔 😢 Isn't there a special home where she can be placed? You can't just allow your child to abuse you and obviously you can't keep her any longer for your own physical safety and mental health!!